TVSquad

The TV is a weird beast. Your show can have ridiculously high ratings, receive greater critical claim than the Mona Lisa and achieve a cult following not seen since the People's Temple, and the network can still pull the plug on you.

TV Land doesn't work like Reality Land, if the Reality Land is in fact reality and not some bizarre reality land where meat-hungry producers are the gods of fate. TV has a different equation for success.

Here are the ten telltale signs that your new show will spend eternity shining in the pantheon of the cosmos and the rest of its life on Best Buy's DVD shelves.

Do not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of classic TV shows.

I will admit, I was super late to the Arrested Development game. It had been canceled and I'm pretty sure everything was on DVD. Actually, I remember the first time I watched an episode, it was on G4. There was that guy from Teen Wolf Too and he was talking to David Cross, who was painted like a Smurf for some reason. And then he did some things that didn't really make sense, and I laughed nervously because I was worried I had become too stupid to keep up with sitcoms. I gave up after another ten minutes of confusion and switched over to Flavor of Love or something equally brain-numbing to make myself feel better.

Welcome to TV Squad Lists (formerly 'The Five'), a feature where each blogger has a chance to list his or her own rundown of things in television that stand out from the rest, both good and bad.

I'm honestly not even sure how I came up with this, but there are a ton of medical dramas and comedies on TV. That means there's a lot of TV doctors, both past and present. So why not have some of them do battle? I think it seems incredibly logical. Peanut butter and jelly. Hot dogs and beans. TV doctors and cage-matches. So there... because I said so.

Now, with so many shows out there, some people may be wondering why I didn't choose doctors from some of the programs you'd expect. For instance, I stayed away from pitting any of the members of Grey's Anatomy in a battle royale because I figured if any of them got into a fight with someone, it'd just turn into an unexpected sex romp. By the same token, I didn't pick anyone from St. Elsewhere figuring that any fight involving someone from that show would just evolve into an inside joke that only a few people understood. Additionally, not every character I picked is from a straight up "medical" show and in one instance, I'm not sure they're actually even a doctor. Whatever... it sounds fun doesn't it?

Welcome to TV Squad Lists (formerly 'The Five'), a feature where each blogger has a chance to list his or her own rundown of things in television that stand out from the rest, both good and bad.

Since I've already done a list of the greatest police detectives and the greatest private eyes, the next list is a natural: Greatest Spies and Agents!

The guidelines for this list? A spy that worked for an agency or someone that worked in an official governmental capacity, such as the FBI or CIA. Here we go:

1. Kelly Robinson and Alexander Scott (I Spy): These two guys weren't only resourceful, but they were the coolest cats around. Robinson and Scott were spies, but they travelled the world working on cases disguised as a tennis pro and his trainer. How awesome is that? The show was filmed on location (you hardly ever see that), and a lot of the dialogue was improvised and casual. Great theme song too.