TVSquad

There are many phrases I hear on the news and in commercials that I find annoying, painful, and simply illogical. This is one of the worst offenders.

I was watching a commercial today for a bank and the woman in the commercial said that the bank was "the number one online banking web site." Which got me wondering: what's the number one banking web site that's not online?

I'm sure most of you are glued to your TVs for news of what happened to Air France flight 447, which disappeared over the Atlantic yesterday while en route from Buenos Aires Rio to Paris. Not only is any major accident like that a fascinating, newsworthy event, but the added mystery of the plane's disappearance makes the story even more compelling.

Some of you reading this may have friends or family among the 228 people on the flight, which makes this a personal tragedy for a lot of people. But if you listen to the news media, it seems like most of the people who have been potentially lost on the flight aren't such a big deal. After all, "there were two Americans" on that flight, you see, and, as far as the U.S. media is concerned, their loss is more of a tragedy than the loss of any of the others.

I love a parade as much as the next guy. I especially love a parade that celebrates a championship for a team that I've been following since 1980. So, I was ready and eager to watch my beloved New York Giants float down New York's "Canyon of Heroes" for the first time ever, a just reward for beating the "perfect" Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.

But, of course I couldn't completely enjoy it. Why? because, no matter what channel I tuned in to (and, here in the New York area, the parade was on every channel), I heard something that made my head rattle and my ear hair stand on end.

It was people. Talking.

Courting Alex is on as I type this; how this show has managed to stay on the air is beyond me. Case in point is the following line, which just spilled out of Dabney Coleman's mouth in response to an accusation made by Jenna Elfman's character:

"Alex, what goes on at the corporate retreat stays at the corporate retreat!"

AUUUGGGHHHH! How many times since that Las Vegas ad campaign came out have we heard that idiotic "What happens in blah stays in blah" line in a sitcom or Jay Leno monologue somewhere? Don't sitcom writers realize how tired and stupid that line sounds?

If I may put on my curmudgeon hat for a second... ahem...

Dammit! I can't deal with this crap anymore! Here is what the entertainment press seems to consist of these days:

Sopranos! Lost! American Idol! More American Idol! More Sopranos! More Lost! Lost Idol! American Sopranos! SoIdol! Lopranos!

ENOUGH! I'm getting tired of the entertainment press overhyping certain shows to the point where I don't even have to watch them to know exactly what's happening on them.

(Just ask me the names of all the previous Idol winners.  I know 'em like I know who won the last four Super Bowls.  And I haven't watched more than five seconds of the show since it began. That's the power of media saturation, folks.)

Yes, I understand that The Sopranos and Lost are quality shows with big fan bases. And yes, I'm pretty sure that if I actually saw them, I'd like them (I don't have HBO and don't intend on giving my life away to Sopranos DVDs, and I've already expressed my reasons why I don't watch Lost). As for Idol, well, I just won't touch that show with a sterilized 20-foot pole. I just don't want to have the minutae of each show shoved down my throat on a daily basis by the print and electronic media.

It's amazing that even in this day an age where information is easily searchable, TV writers still think we're morons that will accept whatever's on the screen as what can happen in real life. Take, for example, the tried-and-true TV convention of lawyers and doctors visiting another state to ply their trade. A friend of a cousin of a golfing buddy is up on murder charges in Chicago? No problem; Ben Matlock will fly out from Atlanta to defend him. Your husband's boss' dogwalker's cousin from Seattle has bony tumors in his head that make him look like a lion? Simple; recruit the plastic surgeon from New York who just happens to be there that day to perform the procedure to make him look normal.

Does the last scenario sound ridiculous? It sure does, but it was also a major plot point on the last episode of Grey's Anatomy. "McSteamy" was all ready to perfrom the facial surgery on Sheppard's patient, but the kid died before that part of the operation could start.

Alex, just admit it: you're not funny. You never were funny. For the last twenty-two years, every time you've tried to be funny on Jeopardy!, you've sounded like one of those guys at a party who says the lame line that makes everybody scatter. Just stop it, stop it right now. Read the clues, act all smug when you give an incorrect contestant the answer that's right in front of you, pronounce every year by saying things like "nineteen-hundred and ninety-two", we don't care. We already know you're pompous. Just stop trying to make jokes; it's very, very painful.

(Of course, because we do have senses of humor here at TV Squad, we give you a picture of Alex hosting High Rollers in the mid-Seventies. Nice perm, Trebek.)