TVSquad

Quick, what do the following TV shows have in common: The Dick Van Dyke Show, Twilight Zone, The Andy Griffith Show, M*A*S*H, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson?

Answer: they're not on Empire Magazine's list of the 50 best greatest TV shows of all-time. Let the arguments begin!

• At 8, ABC has a new Wife Swap, followed by new episodes of Supernanny and Men in Trees.
• CBS has a new Big Brother at 8.
• NBC has a new, two hour Deal Or No Deal at 8, then a new Law and Order.
• FOX has a new 'Til Death at 8, followed by new episodes of Back To You and American Idol.
• There's a new America's Next Top Model on The CW at 8, then the season finale of Pussycat Dolls.
• PBS has a new Secrets of the Dead and a new National Geographic's Strange Days on Planet Earth.
• At 9, Discovery has a new Mythbusters.
• Sci-Fi has a new Ghost Hunters at 9.
• Travel Channel has two new episodes of John Ratzenberger's Made in America at 9.
• At 9:30, HGTV has a new Design on a Dime.
• At 10, TBS has two new episodes of Taylor Perry's House of Payne.
• Comedy Central has a new South Park at 10.
• Bravo has a new Top Chef at 10.
• Food Network has a new Dinner: Impossible at 10.
• Also at 10: MTV has a new episode of The Real World.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7:30, FOX has the "Idol Gives Back" American Idol special.
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother, then episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI: NY.
• NBC has a new Deal Or No Deal at 8.
• The CW has new episodes of America's Next Top Model and Pussycat Dolls.
• HGTV has a new Designed To Sell at 8, then new episodes of Get It Sold, Deserving Design, Design on a Dime, and House Hunters.
• At 9, ABC has a new Supernanny, followed by a new Primetime.
• PBS has a new American Masters at 9.
• Food Network has a new Chefography at 9, about the Food Network itself.
• Travel Channel has two new episodes of John Ratzenberger's Made in America at 9.
• Also at 9: Sci-Fi has a new Ghost Hunters, followed by a new Destination Truth.
• At 10, Comedy Central has a new South Park, then a new Lewis Black's Root of All Evil.
• There's a new Top Chef on Bravo at 10.
• Spike has a new Ultimate Fighter at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

Welcome to Subtle Subtitles. For those of you who are uninitiated to the purpose of this feature, we're asking you to come up with your funniest quote or description for what's going on in the screen grab we choose for the week. Winners are announced in the following Friday's contest.

Last contest's winner: Rob

This week, a scene from the season premiere of Hell's Kitchen ...

• At 8, ABC has a new Wife Swap, followed by new episodes of Supernanny and Men in Trees.
• CBS has a new Big Brother 9 at 8, then new episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI: NY.
• NBC has a new Deal Or No Deal at 8.
• FOX has the season finale of Moment of Truth at 8, then a new American Idol.
• There's a new America's Next Top Model on The CW at 8.
• At 9, Sci-Fi has a new Ghost Hunters, then a new Destination Truth.
• Travel Channel has two new episodes of John Ratzenberger's Made in America starting at 9.
• At 9:30, HGTV has a new Design on a Dime.
• At 10, TBS has two new episodes of Tyler Perry's House of Payne.
• Comedy Central has a new South Park at 10, followed by a new Lewis Black's Root of All Evil.
• Bravo has a new Top Chef at 10.
• Also at 10, MTV has a Real World reunion show, The Real World Awards Bash.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 8, ABC has a new Wife Swap.
• FOX has a new Moment of Truth at 8, followed by a new American Idol.
• CBS has a new Big Brother at 8.
• There's a new Great Performances on PBS at 8, then a new Great Performances at the Met.
• The CW has a new America's Next Top Model.
• At 9, HGTV has a new Deserving Design, followed by a new Design on a Dime.
• Sci-Fi has a new Ghost Hunters at 9, then a new Destination Truth.
• At 9:30, HBO has a new In Treatment.
• At 9:45, TCM has the 1932 version of The Most Dangerous Game.
• At 10, ABC has a new Men In Trees.
• Bravo has a new Top Chef at 10.
• TBS has two new episodes of Taylor Perry's House of Payne at 10.
• Also at 10: Comedy Central has a new South Park, then a new Lewis Black's Root of All Evil.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 8, ABC has a new Wife Swap, followed by new episodes of Supernanny and Men in Trees.
• CBS has a new Survivor at 8 (special night), then a new Big Brother.
• FOX has new episodes of Moment of Truth and American Idol.
• The CW has a new America's Next Top Model at 8.
• At 9, HGTV has a new Deserving Design, then new episodes of Design on a Dime, House Hunters, and Sleep on It.
• Sci-Fi has a new Ghost Hunters at 9, followed by a new Destination Truth.
• At 9:30, HBO has a new In Treatment.
• At 10, NBC has a new Law and Order.
• TBS has two new episodes of Tyler Perry's House of Payne.
• TV Land has a new High School Reunion at 10.
• Also at 10: Comedy Central has a new South Park, then a new Lewis Black's Root of All Evil.

Check your local TV listings for more.

Like a lot of writers, I have an idea folder (it's manila, but I have it covered in puffy rainbow and unicorn stickers, so it's beautiful). As each week progresses, I jot down all my ideas -- for columns, for stand-up bits, for ransom notes -- and at the end of that week, I take stock of my creative output.

This week, I noticed that there were a lot of ideas that I wanted to share, but that weren't quite big enough for a full TV 101 column. I attached them to the end of my last column in a section called "Dribs and Drabs." It was a good thought, except that it took an already bloated piece (my writing makes the Unabomber's manifesto look like a dream of concise thought) and puffed it up into a 3000 word monstrosity. My editor suggested I break up the Dribs and Drabs section into its own piece, and that, dear readers, is what I did. Dribs and Drabs, after the jump...

Just in time for those of us dealing with the holiday blues comes "the ultimate first-person shooter": Heroin Hero. For those of you not familiar with the "Guitar Queer-o" episode of South Park, Heroin Hero is the game that Stan plays to get his mind off the pressure that he faces as one of the new rising stars of the game Guitar Hero. Your goal in the game is to catch the dragon, but the thing is... you can never catch the dragon.

I've played the game and I have to say, it's fun. It's something to do on the weekends when you're just chilling out with your friends, not addictive at all. I mean, sure, sometimes I'll play it before work (or sometimes during work) just to mellow out, but like, I can stop any time I want. In fact, I'm so sure I can stop, I'm going to stop writing this article right now so I can go play some more...

It's that festive time of year when children put tinsel on the television antennas and hang mistletoe over their favorite DVDs. Where celebrities check into rehab to spend the holidays with all their celebrity friends. And where the rest of America is invited to corporate non-specific, non-religious, non-alcoholic generic winter holiday luncheons where they can mingle with their co-workers and say things like "Remember when this company used to have real Christmas parties?"

But while political correctness may have ruined most holiday functions, nothing can ruin Festivus! That magical season in which TV Squadders hope and pray for televisions dreams come true. And I know just what I want...

If you haven't entered our latest giveaways yet, here's a reminder that some are ending today. You've got until 5PM Eastern today to enter the Dr. Katz complete series giveaway and the Christmas Time in South Park giveaway. You've got until next thursday to enter The OC complete series DVD giveaway and the Gilmore Girls season seven DVD giveaway. Lastly, you've got until next Monday to enter the big Tin Man prize pack giveaway (iPod Nano!)

Just head on over to the post linked above, read through the rules and make the applicable comment there (not here!) We'll notify the winners next week.

Good luck!

• At 8, ABC has a new Pushing Daisies, followed by new episodes of Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money.
• CBS has a new Kid Nation at 8, then new episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI: NY.
• NBC has new episodes of Phenomenon, Bionic Woman, and Life.
• FOX has a new Back To You at 8, then new episodes of 'Til Death and Kitchen Nightmares.
• There's a new America's Next Top Model on The CW at 8, followed by a new Gossip Girl.
• PBS has a new Wired Science at 8.
• Food Network has a new Good Eats at 8.
• At 9, Discovery has a new Mythbusters.
• History Channel has a new Lost Worlds at 9, then a new MonsterQuest.
• HGTV has a new Deserving Design at 9, then a new Design on a Dime.
• Also at 9: Sci-Fi has a new Ghost Hunters.
• At 9:30, Food Network has a new "Fall Harvest" episode of Paula's Home Cooking, followed by a new Dinner: Impossible with guest Priscilla Presley.
• At 10, Comedy Central has a new South Park.
• The new season of Project Runway gets underway at 10 on Bravo.

Check your local TV listings for more.

Here are the new TV DVDs, in stores tomorrow:

• The Addams Family - Complete Series
• Are You Afraid of the Dark? - Season 4
• Captain N and the New Super Mario World - Complete Series
• DaVinci's Inquest - Season 2
• DuckTales - Vol. 3
• Gilmore Girls - Complete Series and Season 7
• Kenny vs. Spenny - Season 3
• Masters of Horror - Dream Cruise and Season 1,Vol. 3
• Melrose Place - Season 3
• Miami Vice - Complete Series
• Northern Exposure - Complete Series
• Perrry Mason - Season 2, Vol. 2
• Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? - Treasure Chest Gift Set
• South Park - Christmas Time
• SpongeBob SquarePants - Atlantis SquarePantis
• Tale Spin - Vol. 2
• The Young Ones - Extra Stoopid
• Zorro: Generation Z - Return to the Future

• At 8, ABC has The Country Music Association Awards.
• CBS has a new Kid Nation at 8, then new episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI: NY.
• NBC has new episodes of Phenomenon, Bionic Woman, and Life.
• FOX has a new Back To You at 8, followed by new episodes of 'Til Death and Kitchen Nightmares.
• There's a new America's Next Top Model on The CW at 8, then a new Gossip Girl.
• PBS has a new Wired Science at 8.
• Also at 8: Food Network has a new Good Eats.
• At 9, Duane "Dog" Chapman talks to CNN's Larry King.
• Discovery has a new Mythbusters at 9.
• The History Channel has a new Lost Worlds at 9, then a new MonsterQuest.
• Food Network has a new special at 9, All-Star Thanksgiving Recipes, followed by a new Dinner: Impossible.
• There's a new Ghost Hunters on Sci-Fi at 9.
• At 9:30, HGTV has a new Design on a Dime.
• At 10, Comedy Central has a new South Park, then a new Sarah Silverman Program.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 8, ABC has a new Pushing Daisies, then new episodes of Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money.
• CBS has a new Kid Nation at 8, followed by new episodes of Criminal Minds and CSI: NY.
• NBC has new episodes of Deal Or No Deal, Bionic Woman, and Life.
• FOX has a new Back to You at 8, then new episodes of 'Til Death and Kitchen Nightmares.
• There's a new America's Next Top Model on The CW at 8, followed by a new Gossp Girl.
• PBS has a new Wired Science at 8.
• Food Network has a new Emeril Live at 8.
• At 9, Hallmark has the TV movie Murder 101: If Wishes Were Horses, with Dick Van Dyke.
• At 9:30, HGTV has a new Design on a Dime.
• At 10, Comedy Central has a new South Park, then a new Sarah Silverman Program.
• Discovery has a new Storm Chasers at 10.
• HBO has a new Inside The NFL at 10.
• Also at 10: Bravo has a new Better Half.

Check your local TV listings for more.