TVSquad

The late night war is officially back on, folks, and it's about to get nasty because Paris Hilton has become CBS' weapon of choice.

Craig Ferguson and his Late Late Show crew plan to turn the tables on Jimmy Fallon's first foray into his late night territory by launching a cluster of MOABs at NBC that are packed to the brim with Paris.

And no, we don't mean Ferguson literally plans to launch Paris into the Late Night offices where she will unleash her demon whore spawn and turn Fallon's staff into a grisly smorgasbord of bloody flesh and gnarled bones. Let's be realistic. Paris would just hire someone to do that for her.

It's probably a little too late to mention this, but you could ring in the New Year with Paris Hilton at the Trademark night club in Sydney, Australia, and it will only cost you $129.

That's just one of the many celeb ways you can toast to 2009. You could also party with Lindsay Lohan at Mansion night club in Miami for $200. Her girlfriend friend significant other publicity partner Samantha Ronson will be the one spinning the records. How about going to Las Vegas and spending $200 to party with Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? You could also spend the night with Spencer and Heidi (from The Hills, if you don't know). Actually that sounds like the most depressing New Year's Eve ever, so don't do that.

You could also ring in 2009 at my house. You won't have to spend the above amounts, though I might ask you to pitch in for some bags of Doritos (Nacho Cheese flavor). I'll have Dick Clark, Anderson Cooper, and Kathy Griffin at my house.* Happy New Year!

*via television

... Twelve shows a stinkin'

That aroma tickling your nose is not one from an oven full of fresh gingerbread cookies. No, it's from a television full of burned-out ideas and gutted hulks of viewers who can't take the crap that is heaped upon them. That's because, more than ever, there is a lot of stink on the television landscape. Most of it is due to inordinate amounts of reality programming which has flooded the market. The rest is due to the lack of new ideas for an industry that is rapidly changing.

In order to start our annual Festivus countdown we have compiled a scientifically proven list of 12 shows just stinking up the flat screen. And, when I say 'scientifically proven' I mean I just asked a bunch of people off the street about shows they disliked. So, it's as accurate as it possibly can be. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll have opinions, one way or another, on these shows and others not on the list. So, if you have your nose plugs, let's begin.

• At 8, CBS has a new Survivor.
• ABC has A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving again at 8.
• TBS has four Friends Thanksgiving episodes starting at 8.
• Cartoon Network has a new Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends movie at 8.
• Also at 8: ESPN has College Football, Texas A&M vs. Texas.
• At 9, CNN has CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute.
  
• HGTV has a new Rate My Space at 9.
  
• Nickelodeon has two Thanksgiving episodes of Home Improvement at 9.
• Spike has a new TNA Impact! at 9.
• Hallmark has the movie An Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving at 9.
• At 10, HGTV has a new House Hunters.
• MTV has a new Paris Hilton's My New BFF at 10.
• Current TV has the special Thanksgiving Countdown: 25 Pods We're Thankful For at 10.
  
• At 11, Lifetime has a two-part Will & Grace Thanksgiving episode, then a Frasier Thanksgiving episode.

Check your local TV listings for more.

After the jump, the late night talk show listings.

• At 8, ABC has A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, then the season finale of Dancing with the Stars.
• CBS has a new NCIS at 8, followed by new episodes of The Mentalist and Without A Trace.
• NBC has a new Biggest Loser at 8, then a new Law and Order: SVU.
• FOX has new episodes of House and Fringe.
• PBS has a new Nova at 8, then a new Frontline.
• At 9, Bravo has a new Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show, followed by the season premiere of The Real Housewives of Orange County.
  
• History Channel has a new episode of The Universe at 9.
• Sci-Fi has a new ECW at 9, then a new Cha$e.
• At 10, FX has the series finale of The Shield.
• Comedy Central repeats A Colbert Christmas at 10.
• MTV has a new Paris Hilton's My New BFF at 10.
• Also at 10: Travel Channel has a new Thanksgiving episode of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.
• At 11, TBS has a new Frank TV.

Check your local TV listings for more.

After the jump, the late night talk show listings.

• At 8, ABC has It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, followed by new episodes of Dancing with the Stars and Eli Stone.
• CBS has a new NCIS at 8, then new episodes of The Mentalist and Without A Trace.
• NBC has new episodes of The Biggest Loser and Law and Order: SVU.
• FOX has a new House at 8.
• The CW has a new 90210 at 8, followed by a new Privileged.
• There's a new Lincoln Heights at 8, then the midseason finale of Greek.
• TCM has Sunset Boulevard at 8.
• At 9, Sci-Fi has a new ECW, followed by two new episodes of Scare Tactics.
• ESPN has two new episodes of The World Series of Poker starting at 9.
• Fine Living has a new Whatever, Martha at 9.
• Discovery has a new Dirty Jobs at 9.
• At 10, FX has a new episode of The Shield.
• Bravo has a new Real Housewives of Atlanta at 10.
• MTV has a new Paris Hilton: My New BFF at 10.
• VH-1 has the series premiere of Coolio's Rules at 10.
• At 11, TBS has a new Frank TV.

Check your local TV listings for more.

After the jump, the late night talk show listings.

• At 8, ABC has a new Opportunity Knocks, followed by a new Dancing with the Stars and the season premiere of Eli Stone.
• CBS has a new NCIS at 8, then new episodes of The Mentalist and Without A Trace.
• NBC has new episodes of The Biggest Loser and Law and Order: SVU.
• FOX has a new House at 8, then a new Fringe.
• PBS has a new Nova at 8, followed by a new Frontline.
• ABC Family has a new Lincoln Heights at 8, then a new Greek.
• At 8:40, BBC America has a new Gavin & Stacey.
• At 9, Bravo has a new Real Housewives of Atlanta.
• CNBC has the special The Nuclear Option at 9.
• There's a new Dirty Jobs on Discovery at 9.
• Sci-Fi has a new ECW at 9, followed by two new episodes of Scare Tactics.
• Also at 9: ESPN has two new episodes of The World Series of Poker.
• At 10, FX has a new episode of The Shield.
• MTV has the season premiere of Paris Hilton: My New BFF at 10.
• IFC has a new episode of The IT Crowd.
• Travel Channel has a new Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

After the jump, the late night talk show listings.

Did you know that Paris Hilton is running for President? I know, I know, you haven't seen any commercials on TV and she hasn't participated in any of the debates and who knows if she even knows what the word incumbent means, but she wants to be the next leader of the free world. And she's asked the best fake President we've ever had for some advice.

That's right, Paris has asked Martin Sheen (aka Jed Bartlett) for advice on how to be a fake President if that day should come. At first Sheen seems rather confused at why he's talking to Hilton ("I don't usually come to this kind of party."), but he eventually gives her advice, including how to solve problems in the kitchen ("During my fake Presidency, the kitchen was always my favorite spot to solve the great fake issues of our time), and why it's harder to be a fake President today than it was when his first term started in the late 90s. Sheen is pretty funny: great delivery and he does it all with a mock seriousness. Also look for a cameo at the end by the highest-paid sitcom star on TV right now.

The CW may have kicked off its fall season on Labor Day, but for most of the other networks, things are just getting started. So what does that mean for you? Heavy promotion for not only the new shows premiering this fall, but for returning favorites as well. To that end, My Name Is Earl creator Greg Garcia and star Jason Lee spoke with reporters recently about Earl's upcoming 4th season.

My Name Is Earl returns for its 4th season on NBC with two back-to-back episodes, September 25 at 8pm. Not only did Garcia and Lee give us a taste of what to expect when we catch up with our favorite Camdenites, but they also dished the dirt on dream guest stars, what previous guest star peed over by craft services, if an Earl movie is in the works, and perhaps a word or two about a famously abrasive 30 Rock star. All of the details are after the jump.

(S01E01) In the first five minutes of this show, viewers are treated to a visual definition of the phrase "fish out of water."

I generally don't like any comedy that starts out with the the main character losing everything and starting her life all over again. In a drama, it kind of works that the hero has to go from town to town searching for something she lost. In a comedy, it just means that we'll be spending the next half hour watching the hero say things like, "What did I get myself into?"

The Republicans have been crying foul about how the media has been unfairly going after vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin. Right or wrong, all that media attention, plus the curiosity about who this little known Alaska governor is, fueled last night's broadcast of her acceptance speech. The results were predictable. The Palin speech was a Nielsen ratings hit, drawing 37.2 million viewers. That's nearly as many viewers as Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama scored a week ago at his Denver stadium event.

As I said, the big number was hardly a surprise, especially if you are at all media savvy. On the net, the name Sarah Palin has become the top draw on every search engine. She's presently a bigger celebrity -- yes, sorry, but that's the word that fits -- than Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus, Madonna or Barack Obama. She's on the cover of every supermarket magazine this week, as well as the news magazines.

Oh thank God. Paris Hilton is going to England to try and find a new best friend for her reality television show Paris Hilton's My New BFF. Now, rather than subject us to her vapid, debutante antics, she'll be doing the same thing across the Atlantic where they're more used to that sort of behavior.

You know, this is quite an honor for some lucky Brit. There is nobody more loyal, caring and understanding as a friend than Paris Hilton. Just ask Nicole Richie.

John McCain's presidential campaign included images of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton in a television attack ad against opponent Barack Obama. Now, one-half of that duo strikes back and the result is posted on Funny or Die.

At first, I was thinking that it was nice to see Paris Hilton able to take the piss out of herself like this. Then I realized that she was probably serious. I also realized that since was on this site, someone else wrote the sketch for her and she just had to speak the words. Her reference to John McCain as "the wrinkly white-haired guy" was funny, but not nearly as funny as her attempt at intellectual debate toward the end.

Video is after the jump.

It looks like guest-starring on Chuck isn't the biggest thing going on in Nicole Richie's TV career. The former Simple Life star has just announced that a TV show based on her 2005 novel is in the works. Richie's roman à clef, titled The Truth About Diamonds, follows Chloe Parker, the adopted daughter of a rock star who runs around with a bad crowd in Hollywood. Throughout the novel, Parker faces struggles with the law, drugs and her friends. Sound familiar?

Not only is Richie planning on producing the show, but she'll be appearing in it as well. Even though she based Chloe Parker on herself, Richie says that she won't necessarily be playing the lead, "I would definitely produce and definitely be in the show, [but] I don't know if I need to be the star of this show." Since production is still in the early stages, the details surrounding the series remain unclear, such as what network it will be on, and whether or not it will be a drama or a comedy.

Fans of skanktastic television will love this news. Kim Kardashian and her ass, both stars of E!'s Keeping Up with the Kardashians, are launching a line of perfume. She announced this news on her blog, which, by the way, is one of my favorite blogs. It's wonderfully delusional and self-congratulatory.

I'll indulge you in a sample, "It has always been a dream of mine to start my own perfume business, since I love to mix fragrances together and come up with new and different scents! I hope you understand my total excitement as I let you, the readers of my blog, become the first to know that I am creating my own fragrance!!!" I love the emboldened words and gratuitous use of exclamation points.