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(S02E04)

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• Anchorwoman barely had a chance. Who knew America didn't like that kind of thing?
  
• China's government bans reality TV that "lacks artistic standards."
  
• Nicole Richie's 82 minute jail sentence is inspirational, in a way.
  

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I just got back from doing my weekly grocery shopping. It took me almost an hour and a half because of the people at the grocery store and the traffic. That's about the amount of time that Nicole Richie stayed in jail today.

The official time was 82 minutes. Seems that's all the time she had to do, apparently. Although she was sentenced to 96 hours in jail but got out rather, um, quickly, "based on her sentence and federal guidelines." Richie was sent to jail for DUI and...well, it's hard to remember what she did and what Paris did and what Lindsay did and what Britney has done.

So what did they do, just give her a tour of the jail and then release her? Did they just strip search her and do her paperwork and then it was time to leave? Did she get a meal or at least a snack in that 82 minutes?

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Paris and Nicole, we hardly knew ye.

Actually, we knew ye way too much. But that won't be a problem anymore (at least on a weekly TV show basis). E! has canceled The Simple Life. US Magazine is reporting that producers think that everything happening in the girls' private lives is overshadowing the show. Funny, I would argue that the success of the show is based only on what happened in their private lives. Why else are people watching these two?

A source tells the mag that Nicole was also really hard to work with, saying "Paris was the one willing to do anything. Nicole was the diva."

[via TV Tattle]

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• Best of Nicole Richie baby nicknames!
  
• The FCC assigned some interesting call letters to two new TV stations.
  
• Steven Spielberg is trying to use his role as art director for the 2008 Olympics for political leverage.
  

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Once upon a time there were three little girls who were in trouble with the police
Two in Los Angeles, and one in Glendale
And they were each assigned very hazardous duty
Such as drinking and driving and having sex on video
But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me...
My name is Harvey

This is what Nicole, Paris, and Lindsay should do, go to work for TMZ.com! They're in there so much anyway that they should probably start being paid. Just think: they could go undercover in night clubs to find out what other celebs are doing, wear secret mini cameras in the SCRAM bracelets, show up at parties and openings and appear "drunk" when they're really on assignment for TMZ. It's the perfect cover! Seemingly screwed up celebrities reporting on real screwed up celebrities. It would also give them something to do than just partying.

Where does Britney fit into all of this? Well, when one of the original Angels leaves the job or goes to jail, she can take over. Like Tanya Roberts. After the jump, the opening for Charlie's Angels. Imagine Nicole, Paris, and Lindsay in those roles. I'm not sure who would have the Bosley role in all this. Suggestions?

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• Nicole Richie is doing a big interview with Diane Sawyer next week. Does this mean that the pregnancy rumors are true? And if so, what should we call it?
• Muppets! Hundreds of them! Retired muppets are getting a new home.
  
• Oprah's perfect reputation took a hit today.
  

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• Paula Abdul has a new fragrance, which I won't be buying.
  
• It's unofficially official that Nicole Richie is pregnant.
  
• Bruce Cutler, lead attorney in the Phil Spector trial, is taking time off to star in a reality court TV show.
  

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In case you haven't heard, Paris Hilton gets out of jail today. Expect so much coverage on MSNBC, CNN, and FOX News that you'll want to stick pencils in your eyes. But there are people interested in her release, so here's a quick guide:

L.A. braces itself for her release. Our own TMZ will have non-stop coverage (and will probably break all the news before anyone else). Her car was repossessed while she was in prison (anything to keep her off the roads, I say). You can buy Hilton's trash on ebay. And who was Hilton's final visitor at the prison last night? Jericho star Ashley Scott.

And don't forget she'll be on Larry King Live tomorrow night at 9 to talk about her new post-jail life trying to save orphans and dolphins.

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• Charlie Rose: TBA
• The Late Show With David Letterman: Michael Moore and Bill Burr
• Jay Leno: Bill Cosby, Avril Lavigne, Charlie Gilpin and Bryant Ashton
• Jimmy Kimmel Live: Nicole Richie, Jeff Ross, and Mr. Phil and Son
• Tavis Smiley: Khaled Hosseini and Toby Keith
• Late Night With Conan O'Brien: Jessica Biel, Bear Grylls, and Paul F. Thompkins
• The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson: Bob Barker, Seth Green, and Henry Cho
• Last Call With Carson Daly: Dr. Drew and Satellite Party

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I always look forward to what Christopher Hitchens has to say. I don't always agree with him (for example, his Vanity Fair piece saying that female comedians aren't funny was just stooopid), but he's an intelligent guy and always has a unique take on politics, history, and culture. And now he has written an article for Slate on the Paris Hilton case.

Should he even be writing about someone like the Simple Life star, when he himself admits that the case has been covered way too much? He confronts this paradox, but I still wonder if he succeeds in defending his choice to write about her (though I don't really think he needs to defend it).

But the piece is interesting. Hitchens admits he has seen the Hilton sex video, says he doesn't like Sarah Silverman (big shock), and thinks that the treatment Hilton is getting "stinks" and that she should be left to live the life she has been given.

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• Charlie Rose: Governor Haley Barbour, and a discussion of Picasso and Cubism
• The Late Show With David Letterman: Ellen Barkin and Brian Regan
• Jay Leno: Steve Carell, Goo Goo Dolls, and Kenny Smith
• Jimmy Kimmel Live: Andy Garcia, Josh Flitter, and Plain White T's
• Tavis Smiley: Michael Beschloss and Katt Williams
• Late Night With Conan O'Brien: Nicole Richie and Billy Connolly
• The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson: Jon Heder and Criss Angel
• Last Call With Carson Daly: Tara Conner and Say Anything

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• Charlie Rose: artist Richard Serra (part 2)
• The Daily Show: Michael Barone
• The Colbert Report: Carl Bernstein
• The Late Show With David Letterman: Nicole Richie, Artie Lange, and Chrisette Michele
• Jay Leno: Bernie Mac, Chris Cornell, Cat Deely
• Jimmy Kimmel Live: Kevin Costner, Leslie Mann, and Patrick Wolf
• Tavis Smiley: Dennis Hopper
• Late Night With Conan O'Brien: Debra Messing and Nelly Furtado
• The Late, Late Show With Craig Ferguson: Carl Reiner, Jonah Hill, and Bright Eyes
• Last Call With Carson Daly: Olivia Wilde and Peter Bjorn & John

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The "big house," that is!

Hilton checked into the beautiful turned herself into authorities last night and began her 23 day stay in jail. TMZ.com has the video of Paris and her teary mom arriving in their car. She actually surrendered miles away from Lynwood, where she will be doing her time. She'll be in a cell and have a shower and phone to use. There will also be a small pod attached to her cell where she can watch TV (a small pod to watch TV? What, is she Michael Jackson?). She says she's ready to face the consequences and learn from her mistakes (*cough*).

By the way, the photo? That's not a publicity photo, it's Paris' mug shot. (Update: the police released the wrong photo.)

In honor of her first day, check out GSN's The Prison Life game. And after the jump, a video of Sarah Silverman joking about Paris at the MTV Movie Awards, with Paris in the audience.

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• At 7, CBS has a new 60 Minutes.
• NBC has a new, two-hour Dateline at 7.
• CNN has a debate between all the Democrati candidates for President at 7.
• At 8, The CW repeats the pilot episode of Hidden Palms.
• Lifetime has the new movie Write & Wrong, with Kirstie Alley at 8, followed by the series premiere of Army Wives.
• MTV has the (live) MTV Movie Awards at 8 (repeated at 10).
• At 9, PBS has a new Mystery!
• There's a new Gene Simmons' Family Jewels on A&E at 9.
• HBO has a new Sopranos at 9, then the season finale of Entourage.
• Also at 9: Food Network has two new episodes of The Next Food Network Star.
• At 10, MSNBC repeats this morning's Meet The Press, if you missed it.
• HGTV has a new Bought & Sold at 10, then a new My First Place.
• E! has a new Simple Life Goes To Camp at 10, followed by a new Sunset Tan.
• Showtime has a new ep of The Tudors at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

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