TVSquad

Barely any time has passed since the dramatic conclusion of the Flavor of Love: Season Two. Only a few weeks ago, we saw New York angrily make her exit, bits of her weave coming dangerously close to exploding with fury, after she got second place... again. Well, even after losing Flav (seriously, is he that great of a catch?), she's gained a lot... in the form of a sweet spin-off deal with VH1 to do her own Bachelorette-style program, The Flavorette. I can't wait to see what kind of man is crazy enough to vie for her attention. By the way, has anyone figured out if New York is a drama queen extreme or just a really bad actress? She remins me of those theater-folk that try to do TV, but forget to leave their exaggerated gestures at the stage door.

As for Flavor Flav, he is still with his Season Two lady, Deelishis. He has a new album on the way. He is also about to become a father for the seventh time. Oh yes. That's right. Some small, tiny being will soon be welcomed into this world with a smack on the bottom and an obnoxiously loud "YEAH BOYEE!". Flav hasn't said who the baby momma is, but she's a "shorty in Vegas". Good lord.

The first Flavor of Love was the epitome of trashy TV. Not only is Flav a tremendously annoying person (sir, what happened to your "Fear of a Black Planet" days?), but all of the female contestants looked like they just stepped off the set of Maury or Jerry Springer. I found myself becoming more and more disgusted every week, and yet... I kept tuning in. Yeah, you're good, VH1. You're real good.

I guess enough innocent souls were, like I, sucked into that filthy world of cat fights and cheap weaves because Flavor of Love 2 is ready to start on August 6th. And, no matter how hard I fight it, I know I'll be tuning in. Sigh. See all of Season Two's "lucky" ladies here.

Oh, that reminds me: A few weeks ago, I saw Pumpkin on Family Feud (her family's answers sucked) and then on MTV's dating show Next (she didn't win). She has exquisite taste in television.

For today's episode of The Five we're going to wade into somewhat shallow waters and salute those smokin' cartoon females. They've impressed us over the years with their problem-solving skills, their keen intellect, their well-proportioned bodies, and their ability to shapeshift into rocketships, slide through keyholes, and take a piano to the head. Here we go:

Velma (Scooby-Doo): You thought I was going to say Daphne, didn't you? I won't deny Daphne is a hottie, but she's more than a little vacuous. Velma, on the other hand, has substance, and I wouldn't mind having her in my corner when crooked real estate developers start lurking around and trying to scare us. And heck, even that huge frumpy sweater can't hide the fact that she's rockin' some pretty righteous melons under there. I would also like to point out that "righteous melons" is an appropriate and acceptable medical term ... in my head.

Wow. Flavor of Love is, quite possibly, the tackiest reality show I have ever seen (please note that this is coming from someone that considers The Surreal Life a guilty pleasure). After one episode, I was completely disgusted by the behavior of these women and of the star himself, Flavor Flav. I learned that Mr. Flav is a horrible judge of character and that scantily-clad women will do absolutely anything for a moment of fame and glory. However, I found that I was unable to pull myself away from the television... even as I had my remote control held out, pointing directly at the TV, my finger already resting on the Off button and my face twisted in disgust. What a train wreck... a gloriously vicious train wreck.