TVSquad

• At 7, NBC has a new Dateline, followed by Pre-Season Football, Bills vs. Titans.
  
• At 7:30, Disney has a new Hannah Montana.
• At 8, ABC has the premiere of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, then the series premiere of Shark Tank and a new Defying Gravity.
• CBS has a new Big Brother at 8, then the series premiere of There Goes The Neighborhood.
• Retro TV has two episodes of the original Mike Hammer at 8, then The Alfred Hitchcock Hour.
• ESPN has the Red Sox/Yankees game at 8.
• At 8:30, Disney has a new Jonas.
• At 9, Lifetime has a new Drop Dead Diva, followed by a new Army Wives.
• USA has the season finale of Law and Order: CI at 9, then the season finale of In Plain Sight.
• HBO has a new True Blood at 9, followed by new episodes of Hung and Entourage.
• A&E has two new episodes of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, then Animal House: The Inside Story.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 9, followed by two new episodes of Pawn Stars.
• There's a new Web Soup on G4 at 9.
  
• Also at 9: Food Network has a new Iron Chef America.
• At 10, Comedy Central has the Joan Rivers Roast.
• At 11:30, Cartoon Network has a new Robot Chicken.
• At 1am, Cartoon Network has a new Mighty Boosh.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• Discovery has a Cronkite Remembers marathon all night.
• At 7, NBC has a new Dateline, followed by a new Merlin and the miniseries The Storm.
• The CW has a new Easy Money at 7.
• At 7:30, Disney has a new Hannah Montana.
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• TCM has High Noon at 8.
  
• Food Network has a new Challenge at 8, then new episodes of Next Food Network Star and Extreme Cuisine with Jeff Corwin.
• At 9, PBS has a new Masterpiece Mystery!
• USA has a new Law and Order: CI at 9, then a new In Plain Sight.
• HBO has a new True Blood at 9, then new episodes of Hung and Entourage.
• There's a new Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime at 9, followed by a new Army Wives.
• A&E has two new episodes of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels at 9, then two new episodes of Hammertime.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 9, followed by two new episodes of Pawn Stars.
• Also at 9: G4 has a new Web Soup.
• At 11:30, Cartoon Network has a new Robot Chicken.
• At 12:30, Cartoon Network has a new Mighty Boosh.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7, ABC has a new Just For Laughs.
• At 8, NBC has the two-hour series premiere of Merlin.
• Food Network has a new Challenge at 8, then new episodes of Next Food Network Star and The Best Thing I Ever Ate.
• Nickelodeon has the movie Mr. Troop Mom at 8.
• At 9, ABC has part one of the miniseries Impact.
• PBS has as new Masterpiece Mystery!
• USA has a new Law and Order: CI at 9, then a new In Plain Sight.
• HBO has a new True Blood at 9.
• A&E has a new Gene Simmons' Family Jewels at 9, followed by a new Hammertime.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 9, then a new Expedition Africa.
• Sci-Fi has the movie Rise of the Gargoyles at 9.
• Also at 9: WE has a new Bridezillas at 9.
• At 10, Lifetime has a new Army Wives.
• HGTV has the season finale of HGTV's $250,000 Challenge at 10.
  
• At midnight, Cartoon Network has a new Squidbillies.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7, ABC has a new Jimmy Kimmel Live, followed by the Lakers/Magic game.
• NBC has a new, two-hour Dateline at 7.
• At 8, CBS has The 63rd Annual Tony Awards.
• Food Network has a new Challenge at 8, followed by the season premiere of Next Food Network Star and Iron Chef America.
• Disney has a new Sonny with a Chance at 9, then a new Jonas.
• At 9, Retro Television Network has two episodes of the original Mike Hammer, with Darren McGavin.
• USA has a new Law and Order: CI at 9, then a new In Plain Sight.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 9, followed by a new Expedition Africa.
• G4 has the series premiere of Web Soup at 9.
• WE has a new Bridezillas at 9.
• Also at 9: Nickelodeon has a new Nick News Special Edition.
• At 10, Lifetime has the season premiere of Army Wives.
• HGTV has a new HGTV's $250,000 Challenge at 10.
• At 11, E! has the season premiere of Denise Richards: It's Complicated.
• A&E has the season premiere of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels at 11.
• At midnight, Cartoon Network has a new Squidbillies.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7, NBC has the final night of the Olympics.
• G4 has a new Hurl! at 7.
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• ESPN2 has The Breeder's Cup Challenge horse race.
• Food Network has a new Challenge at 8.
• G4 counts down the 20 hottest Women of the Web at 8.
• At 9, PBS has a new Masterpiece.
• USA has the season finale of Law and Order: CI at 9.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 9.
• Nickelodeon has a new Nick News special at 9.
• Also at 9: HBO has the season finale of Generation Kill.
• At 9:30, A&E has a new Gene Simmons' Family Jewels.
• At 10, AMC has a new Mad Men.
• BBC America has a new Skins at 10.
• At 11:30, Cartoon Network has the season finale of Venture Brothers.
• IFC has the series premiere of Z Rock at 11:30.
• At 12:30am, Cartoon Network has a new Tim and Eric's Awesome Show, Great Job.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• AMC's Mad Men marathon runs all night until 1am.
• BBC America's Spaced marathon continues until 9pm.
• At 7, G4 has a new Hurl!
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• ABC has the premiere of High School Musical: Get in the Picture at 8.
• Disney has a new Hannah Montana at 8, followed by a new Wizards of Waverly Place.
• There's a new Challenge on Food Network at 8, then new episodes of Iron Chef America and Next Food Network Star.
• At 9, NBC has a new Dateline.
• PBS has a new Masterpiece at 9.
• ESPN has the ESPY Awards at 9.
• USA has a new Law and Order: CI at 9, then a new In Plain Sight.
• A&E has two new episodes of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels starting at 9, followed by a new Two Coreys.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 9.
• HBO has a new Generation Kill at 9.
• Nickelodeon has a new Nick News at 9.
• Sundance Channel has a new Shameless at 9.
• Also at 9: HGTV has a new Design Star.
• At 9:30, TCM has Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House.
• At 10, Lifetime has a new Army Wives.
• E! has a new Denise Richards: It's Complicated at 10, then a new Living Lohan.
• At 11:30, Cartoon Network has a new Venture Brothers.
• At 12:15am, Cartoon Network has a new Fat Guy Stuck In Internet.

Check your local TV listings for more.

I've always enjoyed jingles, you know, those catchy commercial tunes that get in your head and never leave. "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." See, after all these years, it's still there. I wonder if Gene Simmons would have liked that McDonald's jingle?

We'll soon find out what the Kiss star likes in musical commercial craftsmanship because Gene Simmons has been tapped as one of the judges on the CBS reality show Jingles. It's a competition show, from producer Mark Burnett, he of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader, Survivor and The Apprentice fame. We'll just forget about the ones that didn't fly, like On the Lot (that was painful to watch), Pirate Master (unwatchable) and Rock Star: INXS (truly a train wreck).

Jingles should be pretty challenging for contestants; it's hard to fake it when it comes to writing words and lyrics. The winner gets a contract with an advertising agency and $100,000.

• NBC has U.S. Open golf until 9pm, when it airs the SNL special The Best of Mike Myers.
• At 8, CBS has The Tony Awards.
• Food Network has a new Challenge at 8, then new episodes of Iron Chef America and The Next Food Network Star.
• At 9, Discovery has a new When We Left Earth: The NASA Missions.
• USA has a new Law and Order: CI at 9, followed by a new In Plain Sight.
• A&E has three new episodes of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels starting at 9.
• TV Land has The TV Land Awards at 9.
• HGTV has a new Design Star at 9.
• Also at 9: History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers.
• At 10, Lifetime has a new Army Wives.
• There's a new Denise Richards: It's Complicated on E! at 10, followed by a new Living Lohan.
• At 11:30, Cartoon Network has a new Venture Brothers, then new episodes of Metalocalypse, Fat Guy Stuck in Internet, and Assy McGee.

Check your local TV listings for more.

Like a lot of my TV Squad assignments, I went into this one under the belief that it would be a hoot. I figured that unreal reality shows would have a high camp value and I could enjoy them the same way that I enjoy The Last Dragon.

Here's what I learned: Gene Simmons... Bruce Leroy you are not. The next time I refer to something as a potential "hoot", I've given my wife permission to beat me unconscious with a shovel. A severe beating would be less painful than watching another minute of our nominee shows.

That said, I did enjoy the process of figuring out which show would "win" this award. After careful consideration of the words of my wizened TV Squad colleagues and the input of our enlightened readership, we have finally found our winner.

There's a bit by Patton Oswalt on his brain-meltingly good comedy album Feeling Kind of Patton regarding reality television. The short version: if we keep making reality shows, we will eventually run out of reality to film. (Believe me, the short version isn't even in the ballpark of how funny the bit is; go buy this album immediately).

Like Arthur C. Clarke's predictions of geostationary satellites and floating man-god fetuses, Oswalt's vision of a reality-free future is eerily accurate. While our physical space hasn't quite been eaten by a giant white wave yet, the signs of reality's destruction are as obvious as the motivations behind Tila Tequila's bisexuality. Most glaring? The very words "reality television" connote an unreal experience.

After careful consideration, we at TV Squad, along with your input, have winnowed down the hundreds of possible candidates for "most unreal reality show" to these five...

(S02E13) It might not have been an official season finale (a faux-nale?), but this week's Ugly Betty could be the last one we see for a very long time. I miss the show already. So many issues are up in the air! What will happen with the Henry-Betty-Gio triangle? Will Wili's baby scheme succeed? Is Ignacio ever going to get another storyline? For now, we'll either have to use our imaginations or content ourselves with the Season One DVD. I've never been big on fanfic, so I'm going with Option B.

After having a slew of beautiful faces grace the set, Ugly Betty is well-known for its guest stars. I mean, come on, they got Victoria "Major!" Beckham. It doesn't get much more fabulous than that. Following the logical progression of guests, the next celebrity preparing to shoot a spot on the campy fashion show is... Gene Simmons.

Yeah, I'm confused too. Reading this article doesn't make me feel any better, as it looks like Mr. Simmons is determined to keep the details of his appearance super hush-hush. Past guests have been pretty open about their roles, so I'm starting to wonder if Simmons is going to play a significant, storyline-shifting part. Dare I speculate that he's Amanda's real daddy?

Hmm... Fey Sommers and Gene Simmons. For some reason, the idea of Simmons having a secret sex room doesn't seem so far-fetched.

I didn't expect Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts or even Teri Hatcher to sign up for this, but since when is Omarosa a "celebrity?" She's known for...um...The Apprentice!

And now she's going to compete on NBC's Celebrity Apprentice along with Marilu Henner, Carol Alt, softball player Jennie Finch, and America's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan. I think they were either going to do Celebrity Apprentice on a late night informercial or a cable reality show.

To be fair, there are some good names here, including Vincent Pastore and Gene Simmons, but overall the cast really leaves me cold. Not that I'm a regular viewer of The Apprentice (the first season interesting, and I watched the Martha Stewart version, and then...), but I would have definitely tuned in to this if they had gotten some more interesting celebs. But what do I know. This will probably be a massive hit.

• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• NBC has a pre-season football game at 8, the Seahawks vs. the Chargers.
• TLC has Diana: Last Days of a Princess at 8.
• TNT has a new episode of The Company at 8 (repeated at 10).
• Also at 8: Disney has a new Suite Life of Zack & Cody, then a new Kim Possible.
• At 9, HGTV has a new Design Star.
• There's a new Iron Chef America on Food Network at 9, then a new Throwdown with Bobby Flay.
• Spike has a new Kill Point at 9.
• HBO has new episodes of John From Cincinnati, Entourage, and Flight of the Conchords, starting at 9.
• USA has a new 4400 at 9, then a new Dead Zone.
• At 9:30, A&E has a new Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, followed by a new Two Coreys.
• At 10, Fox News has a new Half Hour News Hour.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 10.
• Comedy Central has the Flavor Flav Roast at 10.
• ESPN2 has coverage of the Little League World Series at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7, NBC has a new Dateline.
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• Lifetime has a new Side Order of Life at 8, followed by new episodes of State of Mind and Army Wives.
• At 9, PBS has a new Mystery!
• There's a new Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E at 9.
• WE has a new Bridezillas at 9.
• HBO has a new John From Cincinnati at 9, followed by new episodes of Entourage and Flight of the Conchords.
• Also at 9: Spike has the series premiere of The Kill Point.
• At 10, HGTV has the season premiere of Design Star.
• Comedy Central has a new Mind of Mencia at 10, then a new American Body Shop.
• USA has a new Dead Zone at 10.
• The History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.