TVSquad

For lack of a better word or description, last night's show was weird and anti-climatic. At first, I was really excited about the contestants doing modern hits from the last 6 years, but then...nothing happened. I kept waiting for that one really great performance that would put the show into overdrive, but it never came.

First off, the show was cut down to a hour last night since there are only 10 contestants left. This made everything feel very rushed. It felt less like a national hit show and more like a filler before House came on. Secondly, all the judges were in agreement last night, and yet they were still fighting. Always weird. Thirdly, lack of time translated into lack of Seacrest zingers. Seacrest zingers are always the cheesiest of zings, and yet, I miss them when they're gone. It's like getting a dollar every year in your birthday card from Grandma. A dollar doesn't get you much (heck, it doesn't get you anything), but that first year when it's not in there...it burns. Finally, I think Kevin might have been eliminated prematurely. I'm convinced that if given the chance, he would have performed Britney Spears' "Toxic" and it would have been the best thing to happen to American Idol since Bobby sung the praises of the Copacabana.

Well, I am shocked. It looks like Kevin's pact with the Devil is up, and he has finally been eliminated. I assume this means that the Devil will now collect on Kevin's soul and he will have to travel to Hell, spending eternity burning in the flames of everlasting darkness. I'm confused if that's how it actually works because in every "sell your soul to the Devil" movie I've ever seen, somehow the Devil is tricked into giving the person their soul back. (Which is a little unfair to the Devil, don't you think? I mean, the guy's got a business to run and people keep breaching their contracts.) I'm sure Kevin will somehow weasel his way out of his pact as well. Most likely, the Chicken Little people already have Kevin trademarked and will threaten copyright infringement upon the Devil if he collects on his soul. Alas, the Devil gets screwed again.

A few weeks back, I talked a lot of crap about contestants who blamed their poor Hollywood Week performances on being sick. Well, I take it all back. I'm sick with a capital "ICK." I've OD'ed on NyQuil, and (unlike Paula) I think it would be wrong to slur my way through evaluations that include references to moths and salads. So, I apologize in advance for the brief commentary and the lackluster witicisms that are as stale as Ryan's running "Kevin is a stud muffin" gag.

Just like Elliott, I've never been a Fanilow, but...

Well, this was unexpected. I mean, I certainly thought that Ace would land himself in the bottom three eventually, but not during the first week. Yeah, I know -- he wasn't that great last night. But isn't being incredibly attractive enough? I say yes. At this point, I've already made up my mind as to whom I want to win (Chris Daughtry). So I say, let's keep Ace around as eye candy. Taylor? He's not candy. Elliott? He's not even a tootsie roll. We need Ace, so vote for him!

And why was Lisa Tucker part of the loser sandwich? Surely, people liked her better than Bucky. The one thing I love about American Idol is that they turn surprises like this into life lessons for the viewer. Seacrest waves his little finger at us in disgust -- "It's all your fault, America. Remember, you gotta vote or this is what happens." We're trying to vote, Seacrest. We can't get through! It's the 5th hit season...get more phone lines! And while you're getting more phone lines, rent Stevie a real piano. The man is a legend, and you've got him rocking out on a 1980s electric keyboard. I'm surprised they didn't just rent him that giant jumping keyboard from Big. I'm sure Taylor knows how to play one of those.

So Melissa is out. Yawn. I know that some of you really like her, but I never got it. To me, she's the poor man's version of Mariah Carey. The more important question is -- who's voting for Kevin? You jerks.  

Being in the Final 12 means that you get to perform on the big stage, in front of the big crowd, with the big fancy lights. This is the AI equivalent of getting to sit at the adult table at Thanksgiving. No more of that kids' table crap. It's the big show with the bigger band and the souped-up sound system.

But there was no souped-up sound system in my apartment tonight.  

I had originally thought that Kevin Covais had made a pact with the devil and that's how he made it to the Final 12. But a reader thinks it might be this website, Vote For The Worst.com. Apparently, this website has been around for a couple of AI seasons, but I've never heard of it before. (Just call me Kellie Pickler...tee hee.) This site's goal is to rally the troops and push through the crappier contestants. Why? To teach AI producers a lesson. They feel producers put some people on (i.e. Kevin) just for the purpose of getting viewers, and that when the time is right, America will vote them off. VFTW.com says, "hey, let's keep these poor bastards around for a wee bit longer." Their best of the worst picks this year are Kellie Pickler and Kevin.

Their problem with Kellie is not that she can't sing, but that they aren't buying her "caaaa-laaa-maa-ri" act. Read their list of grievances here. The site digs up some dirt on Kellie to prove that she's not as naive as she seems. I don't know. I'm looking at that pic, and anybody who rocks tie-dye in 2003 seems pretty naive to me. The site also claims that her life hasn't been as hard as she lets on. They also point to another contestant, Brenna, who had it much harder. Apparently, Brenna's biological father was killed when she was 12-years-old. Then, she lost her step-father when he (get this) jumped in front of a "careening vehicle" to save an 8-year-old boy. (Read that article here.) Wow, and she never even used it for the sympathy vote. I hated Brenna, but I have a lot of respect for her now. She could have manipulated family tragedy for her own gain, but she didn't.

[Thanks Melissa, & I think that Ace looks like a penis-topped Jared Leto too.] 

I timed it -- it lasted 6.3 seconds. That's how long Ace Young and Will Makar hugged when Will got eliminated. And...I saw some eye closing on Ace's part. Now, I'm not implying anything by The 6.3 Second Hug (that's what I've dubbed it), I just mention it because some of you have brought Ace's sexuality into question. Now, an extended hug (with eye closing) does not imply homosexuality, but it does give us more material to gossip with. Personally, I don't care whether he's straight or gay in the real world... because in my fantasies, he's a straight man who loves to give lady bloggers intimate backrubs by candlelight. Ahhhhhh.

But you're right, Bob, I thought Bo sounded like crap too. His throat was all scratchy like he needed some herbal tea or something. Or...maybe a closed eye hug from Ace. Who knows?

Kinnik and Will were no surprise, but I was absolutely shocked by Ayla and Gedeon going home. I don't care about either one of them, but how did Kevin make it to the big stage and not them? It's an American tragedy. I'm somewhat speechless...psych! I'm still thinking about that backrub from Ace.

But, I'm (moderately) happy with the Final 12. What about you?