TVSquad

• NBC has U.S. Open golf until 9pm, when it airs the SNL special The Best of Mike Myers.
• At 8, CBS has The Tony Awards.
• Food Network has a new Challenge at 8, then new episodes of Iron Chef America and The Next Food Network Star.
• At 9, Discovery has a new When We Left Earth: The NASA Missions.
• USA has a new Law and Order: CI at 9, followed by a new In Plain Sight.
• A&E has three new episodes of Gene Simmons' Family Jewels starting at 9.
• TV Land has The TV Land Awards at 9.
• HGTV has a new Design Star at 9.
• Also at 9: History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers.
• At 10, Lifetime has a new Army Wives.
• There's a new Denise Richards: It's Complicated on E! at 10, followed by a new Living Lohan.
• At 11:30, Cartoon Network has a new Venture Brothers, then new episodes of Metalocalypse, Fat Guy Stuck in Internet, and Assy McGee.

Check your local TV listings for more.

Like a lot of my TV Squad assignments, I went into this one under the belief that it would be a hoot. I figured that unreal reality shows would have a high camp value and I could enjoy them the same way that I enjoy The Last Dragon.

Here's what I learned: Gene Simmons... Bruce Leroy you are not. The next time I refer to something as a potential "hoot", I've given my wife permission to beat me unconscious with a shovel. A severe beating would be less painful than watching another minute of our nominee shows.

That said, I did enjoy the process of figuring out which show would "win" this award. After careful consideration of the words of my wizened TV Squad colleagues and the input of our enlightened readership, we have finally found our winner.

There's a bit by Patton Oswalt on his brain-meltingly good comedy album Feeling Kind of Patton regarding reality television. The short version: if we keep making reality shows, we will eventually run out of reality to film. (Believe me, the short version isn't even in the ballpark of how funny the bit is; go buy this album immediately).

Like Arthur C. Clarke's predictions of geostationary satellites and floating man-god fetuses, Oswalt's vision of a reality-free future is eerily accurate. While our physical space hasn't quite been eaten by a giant white wave yet, the signs of reality's destruction are as obvious as the motivations behind Tila Tequila's bisexuality. Most glaring? The very words "reality television" connote an unreal experience.

After careful consideration, we at TV Squad, along with your input, have winnowed down the hundreds of possible candidates for "most unreal reality show" to these five...

(S02E13) It might not have been an official season finale (a faux-nale?), but this week's Ugly Betty could be the last one we see for a very long time. I miss the show already. So many issues are up in the air! What will happen with the Henry-Betty-Gio triangle? Will Wili's baby scheme succeed? Is Ignacio ever going to get another storyline? For now, we'll either have to use our imaginations or content ourselves with the Season One DVD. I've never been big on fanfic, so I'm going with Option B.

After having a slew of beautiful faces grace the set, Ugly Betty is well-known for its guest stars. I mean, come on, they got Victoria "Major!" Beckham. It doesn't get much more fabulous than that. Following the logical progression of guests, the next celebrity preparing to shoot a spot on the campy fashion show is... Gene Simmons.

Yeah, I'm confused too. Reading this article doesn't make me feel any better, as it looks like Mr. Simmons is determined to keep the details of his appearance super hush-hush. Past guests have been pretty open about their roles, so I'm starting to wonder if Simmons is going to play a significant, storyline-shifting part. Dare I speculate that he's Amanda's real daddy?

Hmm... Fey Sommers and Gene Simmons. For some reason, the idea of Simmons having a secret sex room doesn't seem so far-fetched.

I didn't expect Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts or even Teri Hatcher to sign up for this, but since when is Omarosa a "celebrity?" She's known for...um...The Apprentice!

And now she's going to compete on NBC's Celebrity Apprentice along with Marilu Henner, Carol Alt, softball player Jennie Finch, and America's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan. I think they were either going to do Celebrity Apprentice on a late night informercial or a cable reality show.

To be fair, there are some good names here, including Vincent Pastore and Gene Simmons, but overall the cast really leaves me cold. Not that I'm a regular viewer of The Apprentice (the first season interesting, and I watched the Martha Stewart version, and then...), but I would have definitely tuned in to this if they had gotten some more interesting celebs. But what do I know. This will probably be a massive hit.

• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• NBC has a pre-season football game at 8, the Seahawks vs. the Chargers.
• TLC has Diana: Last Days of a Princess at 8.
• TNT has a new episode of The Company at 8 (repeated at 10).
• Also at 8: Disney has a new Suite Life of Zack & Cody, then a new Kim Possible.
• At 9, HGTV has a new Design Star.
• There's a new Iron Chef America on Food Network at 9, then a new Throwdown with Bobby Flay.
• Spike has a new Kill Point at 9.
• HBO has new episodes of John From Cincinnati, Entourage, and Flight of the Conchords, starting at 9.
• USA has a new 4400 at 9, then a new Dead Zone.
• At 9:30, A&E has a new Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, followed by a new Two Coreys.
• At 10, Fox News has a new Half Hour News Hour.
• History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 10.
• Comedy Central has the Flavor Flav Roast at 10.
• ESPN2 has coverage of the Little League World Series at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7, NBC has a new Dateline.
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• Lifetime has a new Side Order of Life at 8, followed by new episodes of State of Mind and Army Wives.
• At 9, PBS has a new Mystery!
• There's a new Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E at 9.
• WE has a new Bridezillas at 9.
• HBO has a new John From Cincinnati at 9, followed by new episodes of Entourage and Flight of the Conchords.
• Also at 9: Spike has the series premiere of The Kill Point.
• At 10, HGTV has the season premiere of Design Star.
• Comedy Central has a new Mind of Mencia at 10, then a new American Body Shop.
• USA has a new Dead Zone at 10.
• The History Channel has a new Ice Road Truckers at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• The Andy Griffith Show marathon continues on TV Land all night.
• At 7, NBC has a new, two-hour Dateline.
• At 8, CBS has a new Big Brother.
• Side Order of Life debuts on Lifetime at 8, followed by the debut of State of Mind and a new Army Wives.
• At 9, PBS has a new Mystery!
• USA has a new episode of The 4400 at 9, then a new Dead Zone.
• The ESPY Awards air on ESPN at 9.
• Also at 9: HBO has a new John From Cincinnati, followed by new episodes of Entourage and Flight of the Conchords.
• At 10, VH-1 has a new Gene Simmons Family Jewels.
• Food Network has a new Next Food Network Star at 10.
• Showtime has a new Meadowlands at 10 (repeated at 11).
• At 11:45, Cartoon Network has a new Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law.

Check your local TV listings for more.

• At 7, CBS has a new 60 Minutes.
• NBC has a new, two-hour Dateline at 7.
• At 8, Disney has a new Kim Possible.
• At 8:30, FOX has a new episode of The Loop (another new episode airs at 9:30).
• At 9, USA has the season premiere of The 4400, followed by the season premiere of The Dead Zone.
• A&E has a new Gene Simmons Family Jewels at 9.
• Watch Dustin Diamond flip out on a new Celebrity Fit Club, at 9 on VH-1.
• HBO has a new John From Cincinnati at 9, then the season premiere of Entourage.
• Also at 9: HGTV has highlights of the 2007 Consumer Electronics Show.
• At 10, Lifetime has a new Army Wives.
• Cartoon Network has a new Robot Chicken at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

I recently got over my infatuation with both Criss Angel: Mindfreak and Dog the Bounty Hunter, so maybe I should check out Gene Simmons: Family Jewels, which just recently got the greenlight for a 24-episode third season on A&E. The popular reality series is apparently only second to Dog the Bounty Hunter right now in regards to ratings.

The Simmons family have been described as a more functional version of The Osbournes, which sounds intriguing, but I've never been much of a KISS fan, nor have I ever had much interest in the perpetual self-promotion machine that is Gene Simmons. Also, while almost all "reality" programming is scripted to some degree, this one is "scripted" to the point where it's barely a reality series at all, or so I've heard, and so Variety writes, too.

• At 7, CBS has a new 60 Minutes.
• NBC has a new, two-hour Dateline at 7.
• CNN has a debate between all the Democrati candidates for President at 7.
• At 8, The CW repeats the pilot episode of Hidden Palms.
• Lifetime has the new movie Write & Wrong, with Kirstie Alley at 8, followed by the series premiere of Army Wives.
• MTV has the (live) MTV Movie Awards at 8 (repeated at 10).
• At 9, PBS has a new Mystery!
• There's a new Gene Simmons' Family Jewels on A&E at 9.
• HBO has a new Sopranos at 9, then the season finale of Entourage.
• Also at 9: Food Network has two new episodes of The Next Food Network Star.
• At 10, MSNBC repeats this morning's Meet The Press, if you missed it.
• HGTV has a new Bought & Sold at 10, then a new My First Place.
• E! has a new Simple Life Goes To Camp at 10, followed by a new Sunset Tan.
• Showtime has a new ep of The Tudors at 10.

Check your local TV listings for more.

When it comes to the birth of a new KISS licensing opportunity, Gene Simmons is open arms. When it comes to the discussion of a birth of another Family Jewel, he has a completely different reaction.

Matriarch Shannon Tweed prodded Gene about bringing another bundle of joy into the Simmons' clan. Less than excited, Gene suggested they adopt a child and bet that she'd drop the idea after enduring a year-long process.

Following in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, Shannon brought home an innocent African-American baby. This is where the situation stops being funny. Although there were very cute moments between the baby and Gene, it's really become unpalatable to watch another celebrity bring home a child like a pet. Even if it was in jest, it just seems in bad taste to make adopting a baby such a cavalier joke.

Last night, we also welcomed back the Sopranos family into our homes ...
(WARNING: Spoilers ahead)

Life can be rough in the world of basic cable. Lifetime has announced that comedy Lovespring International and crime drama Angela's Eyes, both of which debuted last summer, will not be returning to the network's line-up. Yes, the world weeps.

But, hey, you can turn that frown upside down because Gene Simmon's Family Jewels is coming back for a sophomore season on A&E. You can expect to see 20 new episodes of the Kiss frontman's wacky family exploits. This all leads me to think of whose family I'd really like to see get a reality television series. We've got Ozzy, Hulk Hogan, Rev. Run, the Gottis, the Carters and the family that is The Girls Next Door. Just floating this by the networks, but how about the Bush twins? We can see them get tossed out of foreign countries by Embassy workers. Or, what about something a little more Tenenbaum? Something with a household of child prodigies. I'll give this a little more thought - see what sticks over at VH1.

So, what do you get when you mix comedian Paul Lynde, the rock group KISS, and Halloween? You get one funky holiday special.

Below (after the jump) is a rare video of a 1976 Paul Lynde Halloween special, featuring KISS and a woman who I believe it Margaret Hamilton from The Wizard of Oz, because Lynde calls her "Margaret" and she's dressed like, well, the witch from The Wizard of Oz. Hard to tell though, since she doesn't speak much and the video is a bit grainy. Might be a bit young to be her.

It's a classic clip though. Lynde is wearing a glittery tux that would make Liberace proud, along with one of those 70s bowties that make you feel the person could take off any moment and fly around the city. Lynde gets off a few good one-liners too, but he was always known for that on The Hollywood Squares.