TVSquad

(S03E09) "I had a plan, I did, but it just didn't work out the way I thought it would."/"What? You thought he'd (Hank) do a good job of being in charge?" - Karen to Becca

Remember watching Friends and feeling that great sense of heavy letdown when you realized that week's diversion of reality would be a "Joey-heavy episode"?

That describes this week's Californication to a tee, except the great sense of heavy letdown doesn't quite sit on top of your soul with the girth and grim sadism of an evil sumo wrestler.

(S0308) "For someone who loves women so much, you sure don't understand them very well." - Jackie to Hank

Hank makes for an interesting character because there is never one single, solitary way of looking at him. Some people see this alcoholic horndog as a success while others look at his cavalier exterior and think of him as an utter failure. He's certainly one of the most complex characters on television for a guy who has one thing on his mind, two depending on how much booze is in the house.

So naturally all of his bad decisions and mistakes will come back to haunt him, and this week, he got hit with them all at once in a bizarre clusterf#$% of sheer craziness. It's as if a tornado of tail just leveled Hank's house and life in the process.

(S03E07) "L.A. has made us soft. You used to be able to run for Lexington Avenue with the best of them. Elbowing the investment wankers out of the way. Your cell phone in one hand, mammoth ball sack in the other hand, Hollywood Reporter between your teeth. Not even breathing so you wouldn't inhale the $&*$ing piss stench." - Hank to Charlie

So now that the No. 1 Missus wants the family back, with Hank included, he's got to get the rest of his conquests out of his system. In the real world, such a thing would be easy to do. Call each one of them up, tell them it's been fun but we've all got to settle down eventually and this is that time. Hang up the phone and never leave your home or greet another human being in person until the big settle down day.

But this is television. Nothing is ever that simple, especially for a cat like Hank Moody, a man who sees simple as a wussy excuse to go through life.

(S03E05) - "Once upon a time's gotta count for something." - Zloz to Hank

Ah, the old friend from back home trick. It's been done so many times before in television. Remember when Rob's old Army buddy came to town in that one episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show or that one time when Don Rickles met up with his old pal Maxwell Smart on Get Smart? Those were some good times.

Imagine those episodes with a lot of hookers and copious amounts of beer, whiskey and vodka. Now they are twice as better, even if the hangover isn't as warm and friendly.

Zloz's one episode appearance felt like the makings of another "Guys Gone Wild" episode where the boys do some drinking, make with the smoking and then get into some fighting, but it turned into something much deeper and helped you appreciate the characters more for what they are. The ride was fun, even if you didn't really want to get back in line for it.

(S03E04) - "You once spent an entire class ranting about how much you hate Coldplay. Something tells me you could care less about what's frowned upon." - Jackie to Hank

Hank is normally the kind of guy most average heterosexual males would form mobs against, complete with rows of flaming torches and pitchforks (used both as weapons and Freudian references to using one's phallus as a weapon).

Still, he's become the most likable monkey in the Californication barrel. And it's not because he's living a life that would make most Arabian princes jealous. It's because there is a method to his manliness tendencies. He's vulnerable and sees those vulnerabilities in people around him, especially those of the opposite sex with genes that get saved in the secret cabinet in most high priced fertility clinics.

I don't know if this is a real holiday or not, but if it isn't let's start one.

Today is October 13, a very important date in the world of The X-Files. It's the birthday of the show's creator, Chris Carter, but it's also...

• the name of Carter's production company, Ten Thirteen Productions ("I made this!")
• Fox Mulder's birthday
• the day The X-Files movie was released on video in 1999
• the names of various files on the show and the dates that various events occurred, including the day Cigarette Smoking Man offered his wife to the aliens
• and many other things

(S03E03) - "Don't put Daddy in a corner." - Hank to his daughter, Becca

Something spectacular happened on last Sunday's episode of Californication, something I've been hoping and waiting to see from a big-budget television show ever since I was old enough to realize what life was worth living for, what makes television worth watching.

Jackie showed us her boobies!

That being said, there was much more to the most recent saga of Hank Moody and company worth mentioning, and Lord knows I could spend a whole review on Eva Amurri's "revealing" opening scene of Hank imaging his star pupil at her night job. Hell, if Joel would let me do a list of TV's best racks, I'd put Jackie's on the number one and two spots, left and right respectively. I have my reasons.

(S03E02) - "All work and no ass play makes Chuck a dull boy." Sue Collini to Charlie Runkle

A show like Californication might seem like just another rude, crass and completely tasteless sitcom that gets away with speaking Kinsey from cover to cover because it's on pay cable.

But if you actually sit down and watch the damn thing, you'll realize it's actually much deeper and more emotional than that, or at least as deep as a group of flesh lusting horndogs can go ... and I do mean "emotionally" deep, sickos.

(S0301) - What's with all the parent plotlines on Showtime? First Dexter Morgan becomes a new father, and now Hank Moody on Californication? Granted, it's the perfect penance for a man who has flaunted the consequences of the reproductive act more than the entire British royal family, but it seems eerily similar and way overdone in the world of television.

It does, however, work as an obstacle and a vehicle for conflict for Hank, whose only daughter Becca moves into that awkward living hell on Earth known as "teenagerhood." The opening scene of Hank catching Becca and her new best friend Chelsea stoned out of their gourds pretty much set the tone for some, if not most, of Hank's problems.

How can he tell her to do as he says while still doing what and who he loves most?

If you think of all the places that would turn Californication's Hank Moody into a kid in a candy store, "college campus" should be at the top of your Family Feud survey.

What would be at the bottom? Probably the Vatican. Then again, an unrepentant sexaholic like Moody always loves a challenge.

The third season follows Moody as he navigates his way through the student body of a local college as an English professor, his relationship with his growing teenage daughter Becca and the rest of his other relationships -- or at least the ones that alcohol hasn't erased from his memory.

Is Hank Moody a likable character? From the scenes I've seen of Californication, he seems like one of these drinking/smoking/sex-addicted/wise-ass guys you see a lot of, but there's also a smattering of a****le in there, too, and it seems like he crosses from anti-hero to kind of a dick. Maybe I'm wrong, though I hate anyone who uses the word "cashish." The last line in the season three promo below is pretty funny, though.

The new season debuts September 27.

The X-Files creator Chris Carter has been hospitalized for exhaustion. This was brought on by "physical exhaustion and an acute sleeping disorder."

The pressure on the man must be enormous. He's working on a new movie Fencewalker and just finished The X-Files: I Want to Believe movie. While reviews of the movie weren't great, it did make $60 million in the worldwide box office (from a $30 million budget). That's not including the inevitable DVD sales (which will probably be strong due to the number of X-Files enthusiasts out there). How much does a movie have to make in order to be considered a success by Hollywood standards?

I admit that I know nothing about Chris Carter, so the skeptic in me can't help but wonder if "exhaustion" is a euphemism for some other addiction. Perhaps he and David Duchovny will run into each other while hospitalized and chat about old times.

Either this is the most bizarre viral marketing idea ever, or some of the craziest irony in the history of television. In the show Californication, Duchovny plays Hank Moody, a sex-obsessed character. Now comes word that Duchovny has entered a rehab facility for sex addiction. For real. And this is an Associated Press story, which means it's pretty solid. I wonder if it was rekindling all that sexual tension with Gillian Anderson during filming of that X-Files movie.

Or maybe he was just having too much fun filming the upcoming second season of Californication in preparation for its September 28 premiere. Here's how I think it went down.

Director: "Uh, David, I think we got the sex scene. It was great. Just perfect."

Duchovny: "No! No, we need to do it again. I wasn't .. I mean, she was ... It just didn't feel--"

"We got it, David. It's fine."

"No! I want to do it again! I have to go again." (to actress) "Can we just practice then without the camera ... for the craft."

I didn't think going into the weekend that the new X-Files movie (see Cinematical's review) had much of a shot at opening at number one. After the opening that the new Batman enjoyed the previous weekend, it was going to be a tough mountain to climb. That being said, I didn't think number two was an overly ambitious goal. And number three would have been a bit surprising. But number four and $10.2 million? Yikes.

As expected, The Dark Knight once again topped the box office with the biggest second weekend on record. Surprisingly though, Mulder and Scully also trailed Step Brothers and the second week of Mama Mia. The B word is already being tossed around, understandably so. Despite that, studio executives are standing by to assure everyone that with foreign box office and DVD the movie will still turn a profit. That's all well and good, but I don't think anyone should be getting their hopes up for round three any time soon.

Do not adjust your web browser. You are now entering the Retro Squad, where we are reviewing past episodes of classic TV shows.

(S01E03 & S01E21) We almost take it for granted these days that a DVD set of our favorite shows will be forthcoming. We might not always agree with the scheduling, but it's a pretty safe bet that most everything we watch in the coming season will be arriving on DVD eventually. It wasn't like that back in the wilds of 1993. But things were about to change.

I'm not sure if The X-Files was the first show to embrace the home video market, but it was the first one that I took notice of. And it was the first one that I actually bought ... on VHS. That gorgeous three tape box set in the picture is one of three that I have, and each of them carry a whopping six episodes on their oh so delicate tapes. For X-Files week, I dusted this one off and fed my VCR the tape containing "Squeeze" and "Tooms," two of my favorite early episodes.