TVSquad

(S09E07) With the exception of the highly entertaining chest bumping competition that occurred between Chantal and Bianca, there wasn't a whole lot of useful information in this cycle's recap show.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not a fan of recap shows. This is especially the case when they air a measly six episodes into a season. I realize that recaps allow people who've missed the first half of a season to get up to speed in a rapid manner.

At the same time, it enables casual viewers to skip out on the first half of a season because they know they can always rely on the recap show. It also punishes us loyal viewers who watch the show religiously.

(S09E05) On average, there are at least three instances I find myself laughing out loud every time I watch an episode of America's Next Top Model.

This cycle, most of the laughs seem to come at the expense of poor old Heather, but it's not a "ha ha, she's so pathetic, why does she even bother" type of laugh. It's more of a "she's awkwardly adorable and I kind of hope she wins" kind of a laugh.

I've also got her completely figured out. Heather is an excellent model, but only when she isn't moving. If we could get a taxidermist to stuff her and find an animatronics expert to install some circuitry in her face to simulate facial expressions, she'd be the winner of this thing hands down.

(S09E04) Tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model had the potential to be the perfect storm of cycle 9.

From the title alone you could tell it was going to be the makeover show which is always an entertaining affair. You could also tell that one of the models was going to lose all of her hair which was certain to lead to uncontrollable sobbing, threats of suicide, and/or the assassination of a hair stylist.

It also ended up being the nude shoot where the uncomfortable models flash ample skin and the producers have to blur out multiple body parts to maintain the show's PG-13 content.

(S09E03) We're already at episode three of America's Next Top Model, and there's a definite villain emerging among this season's group of girls.

Had you asked me at the beginning who I thought the evil one was going to be, I'd have probably gone with Ebony. Turns out it's going to be Bianca, and I have a feeling she's going to make last cycle's resident demon (Renee) look like Mother Teresa when it's all said and done.

(S08E13) If anyone recalls, my wife and I made our picks on who would win America's Next Top Model after watching the first two episodes 13 weeks ago. She chose Jaslene, and I chose Renee.

The thing I failed to mention is that over the course of the season our friendly little competition turned into an epic wager with the victor winning the privilege of pooping in the loser's pillowcase.

Needless to say, I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight.

(S08E11) Five models remain - Renee, Jaslene, Dionne, Natasha and Brittany. Who will be eliminated tonight?

If I was a betting man and judging from the previews and looking at the dainty tear falling from her eye in the picture to the right, I'd put my cash on Brittany.

I wish my own personal short term memory would help me forget her, but all throughout this episode the show edit kept reminding me that she's here and as annoying as ever. She played it up for the camera every opportunity she had. Has she really been this aggravating all season?

(S08E10) I'm a big fan of reality shows. I'm not so big a fan the recap that every reality show insists on airing mid-season, despite getting to see some behind the scenes footage.

The way I see it, if the clips weren't good enough to make it into a regular episode, why would I care to see them now?

I guess the recaps cater to those who can't get enough information on the series or to those that need to catch up on some of the action that they may have missed out on. I'm afraid I just don't fit into either category.

That being said, I was happy to get to relive the near fight between Wholahay and the model formerly known as the Antichrist.

Being a boxing fan, I'm pretty excited about the Mayweather vs De La Hoya fight coming up early next month, but if I was given the opportunity to watch the two moms duke it out on pay-per-view instead, I'd hop on it quicker than you can say "illegitimate child".

(S08E09) The CoverGirl commercial is inevitably the Hindenburg of every America's Next Top Model cycle.

All season it lingers in the background, threatening to set the whole series ablaze in a wholeheartedly entertaining inferno, and I looked forward to it with the glee of a chronic arsonist.

The best part was, we had four potential catalysts for fire this season.

First there's Natasha and her heavy Russian accent and broken English. Then there's Dionne "That's-Coo" Wholahay and the fact that she thinks Grammar is an actor on Cheers and Frasier.

Next, there's Jaslene who I've dubbed, "Double Neg" because I don't think I've never heard no one use no more double negatives in my life. Finally, we have the self-proclaimed "spreader of light", Jael. No need for me to beat her speaking habits into the ground any further.

Oh yes, this episode promised to be nuclear in proportions, and I sat eagerly in my living room with the champagne of beers and a fire extinguisher, ready to watch as the girls offended every Australian on the planet with their hideous Aussie accents.

(S08E08) Okay, in a slight departure from the norm, because we're just over the halfway point of the season, and because I was feeling inspired, I decided it was time to hand out some mid-season awards and titles to the contestants as they related to this episode.

Before the season began, if someone told me I'd be able to churn out 600-700 words an episode on a show like this, I'd have laughed in their face, but here we are pushing 1300.

Without further ado.

The Stephen Crane, Red Badge of Courage award goes to:

Brittany, who actually had a "red badger of discouragement", killed and removed from her scalp this week.

I think the show's producers did her quite the injustice by forcing her to be at war with a a live mammal for half the season.

I think Brit showed a lot of heart making it this far considering she was at such a disadvantage. If she made it this far in pain, it'll be interesting to see how well she fairs in good health.

(S08E07) I never know what I'm going to get with most of the models on a week to week basis. For a while Jael was stepping up her game. Then, this week she entered the "tripping acid zone" and lost her mind at the celebrity social.

Jaslene was flawless week after week after week. Then, she summoned the inner drag-queen that's been fighting to be released all season, and her photos ended up being a bit of a mess this week.

Dionne was pretty much blending in with the scenery the first five episodes, and now she's suddenly one of the more prominent models on the show. The same argument could be made for Natasha.

Brittany was a star the first few shows, but somewhere around the time she got the red badger cross-stitched into her skull, she lost something. Finally, Sara and Whitney seemed really confident for a while, but now seem really unsure of their abilities.

(S08E06) Renee was playing some serious mind games with the large figured models this episode when she dropped the comment saying "there would never be a plus-sized model on the cover of Vogue."

The worst part is, Diana and Whitney seemed to have consumed the bait as they both performed pretty poorly this week.

Renee is either utlizing a very clever strategy or she's just plain rude and happens to be the beneficiary of the results. I'd be willing to wager on the latter.

I'm seriously running out of ways to call Renee evil and we're only six episodes into the season. I thought Satan was appropriate but somehow it doesn't quite do her justice. I think I'm just going to start calling her Lord Voldermort and be done with it. From now on Renee, who remains my pick to win this thing, will be referred to as Lord Voldermort or "she who we do not name". I think it's a better fit for her.

(S08E05) I mentioned that I thought the title to this week's episode was in reference to Renee. I know, it wasn't too much of a stretch considering she is the body in the house who could most benefit from an attitude adjustment.

Turns out my premonition was right. Renee made a concentrated effort to be nicer to the girls in the house this week. Sure the drawing she lovingly gave Jael looked liked it was doodled by a mentally challenged chimpanzee with no arms, but it was a move in the right direction, and I can't fault her for that.

What I can fault her for is reverting from "the girl who changes her attitude" back to "the girl who wants to bleeping beat them all bleeping down" -- all by minute 24 of the show. Really Renee? You can go from being nice to the girls to wanting to do physical harm to them that quickly? I think a more appropriate title for this episode would have been, "The Girl Who is Bipolar."

Of course, I'm still picking her crazy ass to win.

Keri Russell is the new face of Cover Girl. She'll begin appearing in new television advertisements for Cover Girl's Outlast Double Lipshine later this month and she'll make her magazine debut in August. The television ad is a bit unusual for Cover Girl; Keri fights ninjas and looks gorgeous doing it. Apparently since her appearance in Mission Impossible: III, the former Felicity star is now an action hero!