TVSquad

Welcome to Subtle Subtitles. For those of you who are uninitiated to the purpose of this feature, we're asking you to come up with your funniest quote or description for what's going on in the screen grab we choose for the week. Winners are announced in the following Friday's contest.

Last contest's winner: Bill L


This week, a scene from the season finale of CSI ...

(S08E17) Last week's special episode of CSI, the one written by the Two and a Half Men creators, was fun and light-hearted and filled with inside jokes and gags. Last night's show was the complete antithesis: brutal, bloody and in the end, shockingly sad. It was Gary Dourdan's last episode of the series. Warrick is gone and the only way you'll ever see him on CSI again will be in flashback or we discover a twin brother or lookalike cousin.

The show picked up on the storyline began last season, when Warrick bedded an exotic dancer from Pigalle who wound up dead. He was cleared back then, but never got over her death. We learn that he's been obsessively stalking Lou Gedda, the club owner whom Warrick believes had her killed. Before you can say, "what the heck is going on with the funeral with the two guys in the coffin," Warrick is caught seemingly red-handed (literally with blood all over his hands!) in Lou's office where the hulking body of the gangster has been riddled with bullets in his barber chair.

• ESPN has NBA Playoffs all night.
• At 8, ABC has a new Ugly Betty, then a new Grey's Anatomy and the season finale (part one) of Lost.
• NBC has the one hour season finale of My Name Is Earl at 8, followed by the one hour season finale of The Office and the season finale of ER.
• The CW has the season finales of Smallville and Supernatural.
• FOX has a new Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? at 8, followed by a new Don't Forget The Lyrics.
• At 9, CBS has a new CSI, followed by a new Without A Trace.
• Ryan Seacrest is the guest on a new Larry King Live, at 9 on CNN.
• Also at 9: Hallmark has the new movie Bridal Fever.
• At 10, Spike has a new TNA Impact.
• At 10:30, Comedy Central has a new 'Lil Bush.

Check your local TV listings for more.

There's been a lot of flux on CSI, CBS's top rated, long-running, extremely popular forensics-procedural-crime drama (I think that covers all the categories, right?) At the end of last season, Jorja Fox decided not to come back to the show, and her role as Sara was written out in the first two episodes of the year. The producers left the door open for her to return -- they didn't kill her off -- but she's gone.

Tonight is the last of Gary Dourdan as Warrick. He's having trouble off-camera, a serious felony arrest earlier this month for drugs, so his leaving may have been a necessity even if he hadn't chosen to exit. Therefore, it's a good thing to be able to tell you that USA Today reports that Marg Helgenberger has inked a new contract with CSI for two more years. That, coupled with William Petersen's signing a new deal in April, means that CSI is in good shape for the foreseeable future. CBS should be doing the happy-dance.

CBS announced its plans for the 2008-2009 season today. For the most part, things are staying the same, but there are two new sitcoms and four hour dramas planned. Here are the highlights:

Returning: The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Rules of Engagement, The Unit, Cold Case, Numb3rs, Criminal Minds, The Ghost Whisperer, CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, NCIS, 60 Minutes, Without A Trace, Survivor, The Amazing Race

Out: Shark, Moonlight, Cane, Kid Nation, Power of 10, Secret Talents of the Stars, Viva Laughlin, Welcome to the Captain

New: The Worst Week, Project Gary, The Ex List, Eleventh Hour, The Mentalist

Mid-season: Harper's Island, Rules of Engagement

Schedule and detailed descriptions of the new shows coming soon, after the jump.

Here are the weekly TV ratings, by number of viewers.

Last week I mentioned that Lost wasn't in the top 20. Well, this week it returns. Not to the highs it was earlier this year, but hey, I wouldn't mind almost 11 million people watching what I do each week (I'm talking about writing, not going to the bathroom or eating a sandwich). Survivor's finale and regular episode both made the top 20, even though it was the lowest-rated finale in the history of the show.

1. American Idol - Weds (FOX)
2. American Idol - Tues (FOX)

The CSI/Two and a Half Men writers switch was a very clever promotion for CBS. Fortunately, the writers saw the opportunity to change places as more than just a publicity stunt. They really took the scripting seriously and came up with inventive episodes for each program. If this were a competition to see which team would deliver the better show, who would take on the task of writing winning TV in a genre not their own and succeed beyond expectations, the comedy scribes take the gold. Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn's CSI was pure genius, and if it were up to me, CSI should submit it for an Emmy.

But first there was Two and a Half Men. In an episode called "Fish in a Drawer" (and if somebody could explain what that title means, I'd be most appreciative), the story picked up after Evelyn married Teddy. In the teleplay by CSI regular writers Evan Dunsky and Sarah Goldfinger, Charlie and Courtney check out of the reception for a little romp in his room upstairs only to find Teddy's dead bod on the bed. Talk about spoiling the mood. Teddy wasn't only a corpse, he was a corpse with his pants pulled down around his ankles and lipstick stains on his hoo-ha. The cops were called in, a detective who was a dead ringer for Marg Helgenberger -- played by redhead Jamie Rose -- had the vaguely Bondian name of Jagov, Sloane Jagov. Naturally, Charlie had to make a move on her. He couldn't keep his eyes off her cleavage.

• ESPN has NBA Playoffs all night.
• At 8, ABC has a new Ugly Betty, then new episodes of Grey's Anatomy and Lost.
• CBS has a new Survivor at 8, followed by new episodes of CSI and Without A Trace.
• NBC has a new My Name Is Earl at 8, then the season (series?) finale of Scrubs, a new episode of The Office, the season finale of 30 Rock, and a new ER.
• FOX has a new Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? at 8, followed by a new Don't Forget The Lyrics.
• The CW has a new Smallville at 8, then a new Supernatural.
• There's a new Overhaulin' on TLC at 8, then new episodes of American Chopper and Miami Ink.
• Also at 8: AMC has the original Planet of the Apes.
• At 8:30, Cartoon Network has a new Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, followed by a new George of the Jungle.
• At 9, HGTV has a new Divine Design.
• At 10:30, Comedy Central has a new 'Lil Bush.

Check your local TV listings for more.

Here are the weekly TV ratings, by number of viewers.

Last week I mentioned that Lost had dropped a lot in the ratings. This week they're not even in the top 20.

Looking over this list, it becomes apparent what it takes to get on it. If you're FOX, keep pumping out reality shows and reality competitions shows. If you're ABC, it's dancing and doctors. And if you're CBS, the answer is clear: create another police procedural show. It doesn't matter who's in it or where it's set, just make sure it's about a team of investigators who investigate something that needs investigation.

1. American Idol - Tues (FOX)
2. American Idol - Weds (FOX)

What's happening on other blogs via the interweb.

• Is Katee Sackhoff about to join CSI?
• Daryn Kagan visited CNN for the first time since getting canned after 12 years and it was...odd (especially the second video).
• What the heck was going on at the Ellen show the other day?
• Get ready for more commercials on TV network sites.
• Earl Pomerantz tells a secret about a Mary Tyler Moore Show script he wrote.
• How would you like to star in the new music video that Zach Braff is directing?
• Ratings for The Office hit a season low the other night, and 30 Rock's weren't that great either.
• Check out the storyboards for the second season of Mad Men.

Here's an interesting theory on why the ratings for many returning dramas are down a bit: the writers strike gave viewers an excuse to finally stop watching a show.

Of course, the shows that are down (including Grey's Anatomy, House, Lost, CSI, and Desperate Housewives) are still getting great ratings (all of the above shows are usually in the top 15 for the week), they're just noticeably down. Some industry analysts think that viewers might be getting a little frustrated at the continuing storylines you see on many dramas, while others think that some viewers are confused over the return dates for different shows and maybe even time slot changes for a couple of shows.

Here are the weekly TV ratings, by number of viewers.

OK, can someone explain to me why Lost, which returned after several weeks away with an important (and great) episode, only came in #15 in viewers this week? This season it has been showing up in the top 10 a lot, sometimes even in the top 5 or 6, and now it slips to 15? Gah.

In other news, I finally watched Rules of Engagement this week. It's actually a funny show.

1. American Idol - Tues (FOX)
2. American Idol - Weds (FOX)
3. Dancing with the Stars - Mon (ABC)
4. Dancing with the Stars - Tues (ABC)

CSI star Gary Dourdan was arrested at 5:21 AM and charged with suspected possession of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, and maybe other drugs as well.

He was arrested in Palm Springs, CA when police saw him sleeping in his car early in the morning. When they got to the car and investigated further, Dourdan was arrested for the above offense. He's out on bail.

This arrest will trigger approximately 327 different jokes about the CSI gang helping him and tests being done on the car, etc. Now we just have to figure out whether he's leaving CSI (official word is that Dourdan and the studio came to an understanding on his departure) because of his drug use or (as Keith wonders) he's doing the drugs because he's leaving the show.

Chicken, egg.

Here are the weekly ratings, by number of viewers.

If you were to pick a random TV fan off the street (The Street of TV Fans, I guess it would be called) and you asked them, "what is the #1 scripted show on television right now?," I would assume that not everyone would guess the answer to that question. A third of them would probably answer one of the CSI shows, a third would probably say one of the Law and Order shows (or maybe House), and the other third would probably say "what's a scripted show?"

But the answer this week is Desperate Housewives, followed very closely by NCIS. And I would bet no one would guess how high NCIS finishes every week.

1. American Idol - Tues (FOX)
2. American Idol - Weds (FOX)

I can't believe this is actually happening. I've told you before how much I hate cross-overs on TV; it's tolerable if it's at least the same genre of show. This is like in-breeding. If CSI and Two And a Half Men were brother and sister, then their deformed, incestual love-child is what's going to air on Monday, May 5th.

We actually reported on this almost a year ago, that the writers of CSI and Two And a Half Men were going to flip-flop and pen an episode of the other show. Well it never happened. Now, according to this press release, it's a go. I would imagine that the Writer's Strike played a role in resuscitating this awkward match-up.