TVSquad

This is going to be the last post I make about the gossip shows.

I can't take it anymore. I've said before that these shows (The Insider, Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, etc) are awful. But now I think they've crossed the line into despicable, hurtful, and disgusting. I truly can't watch them any longer.

The obsession the past week has been the Anna Nicole Smith story. The death of her son Daniel and the birth of her new daughter. The last couple of nights, The Insider and ET have been talking about how they have the EXCLUSIVE last pics of Daniel holding his new sister. First of all, how can they be "exclusive" when In Touch magazine and a dozen web sites have run them too? Second, I notice The Insider and ET aren't telling us how much they paid for the photos...or where they came from.

And they have this guy who says he's the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Maybe he is, but what is the point of coming on television and giving these interviews to ET and The Insider? They keep pushing these stories, teasing "Do the photos hold a secret clue to what happened?" Um, NO, THEY DON'T.

Okay kids, I'm going to keep this edition of Extra Hollywood Access short and sweet. I've got a chicken in the oven and its incessant screaming is really making it difficult for me to concentrate. Let's get the party started:

Drugs! Sex! Smoking! These are all things I would rather do than watch Extra, Entertainment Tonight, and E! News, but whatever, we haven't ventured down this road in some time, so take my hand, Amanda, we've got some celebrity happenings to discuss. Lift the lid off the container and lets try and choke down this steamy Hollywood goodness together:

I'm back with another column in which I guide you through the world of infotainment like a drunken sailor hauling bloody nets of suffocating fish into port. Open up, Flipper, cause it's feeding time.

Today after I dropped my oldest son off at preschool, my five-month-old and I went out for a leisurely breakfast. The place was empty when we arrived, but slowly began to fill up with those-who-don't-work- during-the-day. The couple who sat next to me looked over at me as if to say, oh, a stay-at-home mom. Bor-ing. And the young woman started talking about how she filled her spare time...watching TV that she didn't even like.

On her days off, she watched daytime talk shows, and celebrity entertainment shows, and sometimes (hilariously, evidently) she and her friends put their pajamas on at seven o'clock, ordered pizza, and watched TV. Hahaha! She also gave a play-by-play description of Surface that made the show seem, well, bor-ing. And as I wickedly plotted the post I'd write based on her inane observations, I realized: none of us (not even the single, childless among us) have lives. And some of us... have no taste in TV. My advice: if you're single, childless, and think you're hip (or even if you're none of those things) fill your time watching good TV. And read TV Squad to find out what, exactly, that is.

E! News Daily, Extra, and Entertainment Tonight were all on at the same time, so for this installment I clicked back and forth, sampling from the salad bar of infotainment while trying not to throw up on the sneeze guard of fawning celebrity worship. Please take a clean plate and follow me.

People are getting married, people are getting divorced, people are having babies, and people are getting married to divorced babies. It's time to crack open the skull of Hollywood and scoop out the gray matter. Join us, won't you?

The Hollywood train's a comin' down the track! It's about to knock a slew of celebrity news right into your face with the cowcatcher of love! Clearly, I need to work on these introductions! Scrape the gum off your shoes and come on in, kids...

First things first. I caused a minor kerfuffle when, in my last column, I wrote "If there exist a metaphysical bridge between 'gay' and 'southern' it is Clay Aiken." This was erroneously construed as a slam against The Clay and caused a few folks to venture a guess as to what the hell I meant by that. The statement was not an insult. It was the result of months of exhaustive research that took me on a journey not only to the outer reaches of the cosmos, but into the depths of my very soul.

Emmy buzz seems to be ruling the infotainment shows these days, but we've got bigger fish to fry, so let's cut this introduction short and dive head first into the shallow end of the celebrity pool:

With this new feature for TV Squad I will be giving you the highlights from some of the infotainment shows you know and love. Who's getting married? Who's pregnant? Who shot J.R.? I will be answering exactly none of these questions for you today. Now let's get crankin':