• "In 48 hours, you solved 21 bank jobs, a murder and a kidnapping?" -- Det. Tutuola ribbing Det. Elliot Stabler about a confession given by a man on his death bed on Law & Order: SVU.
• "Next time I need my gun cleaned, you're my girl... uhhh, what are you doing Saturday night?" -- Jason (David Arquette) to his doctor, Joanna (Lori Laughlin), on the premiere of In Case of Emergency.
• "You twat! Why are you dying?! Actually, I wish I was dying... I bet I'd be better at it than you are." -- Guy to Mac, upon hearing about Mac's fatal condition, on Green Wing.
• "So, if you want to solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday. Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet actually thinks Dane Cook is funny!" -- Dr. Cox's response when his interns rave about House, on Scrubs.
• "My penis is already packed." -- Denny Crane (who else?) on Boston Legal.
• "We're back in Somalia, a country so poor, its charity ads run in Ethiopia." -- Jon Stewart, regarding the US troops' raid in Somalia, on The Daily Show.
• "That's a crapload of woo." -- Jerome reacting to a giant gift basket from a publisher wooing Marin, on Men in Trees.

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• "Trust me, Bart. It's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them." -- Milhouse to Bart, after he walks in on Homer and Marge having sex, on The Simpsons.
• "I hate milk. It comes from cow wangs!" -- Nelson, on The Simpsons.
• "My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I just had to get some of it out." -- Barney, after blowing his nose from a cold, on How I Met Your Mother.
• "An Indian study has found that condoms designed to meet international size specifications are too big for many Indian men... Which explains why they're always so grumpy when I call for tech support." -- Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update".

Continue reading And I Quote: The best lines of the past week

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...Eight Characters Quoted!

• "Deal or no deal?", Howie Mandel's tagline for his new game show on NBC.
• "Live every week... like it's shark week," a bit of wisdom from Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock.
• "You taste like fish biscuits." Kate, after Sawyer kissed her on Lost.
• "Scroll over him with your mouse cursor and... right click!" Cartman, instructing his friends to attack during a game of World of Warcraft on South Park.
• "Do you mean Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?" Lou, on Rescue Me.
• "Well, I know it's the worst kept secret in America... but I'm going to be working on CBS Evening News and 60 Minutes," Katie Couric, announcing her resignation from Today.
• "This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg." Stephen Colbert, going balls-out at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner on C-SPAN.
• "Mommy, when am I going to get my fur?" Rosie O'Donnell, quoting her daughter, during her first day hosting The View.

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• "It's like Betty Crocker and Charles Manson had a love child, and he's cooking for me." -- Anthony Bourdain, guest judge on Top Chef
• "I got a better question for you. What is your sister's cell phone doing on my dead body?" -- Gibbs to McGee on NCIS
• "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs, who will eat it." -- Peter reading from a safe sex pamphlet on Family Guy
• "They shake their booties and my thingy gets excited!" -- The Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) freestyling on Saturday Night Live

Continue reading And I Quote: The best lines of the past two weeks

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• Call Girl: "A Cleveland what?"
  Roy: "Don't worry -- I'll talk you through it. And we've got a glass coffee table right here." - Prison Break
• "What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame." -- Stewie, to Brian after a failed breakup attempt on Family Guy
• "So... I almost get shot and you guys respond by doing a lot of math?" -- Oswalt to Charlie on Numb3rs
• "If you lose the big game, that boy is gonna die faster than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays." -- Doctor, telling Stan if his team loses the hockey game it will kill their teammate with cancer, on South Park
• Booth: "God does not make mistakes."
  Angela: "I don't know - putting testicles on the outside doesn't seem like such a good idea." -- Booth and Angela, comparing a serial killer's motives to God's, on Bones.
• "Thirty-five years ago, he joined the Texas National Guard to stay out of Vietnam ... And now, he's going to Vietnam to stay out of Washington!" - Ted Koppel, regarding President Bush's upcoming visit to Vietnam, on The Daily Show.
  
• "I usually like to be warned before I'm violated with demon tongue." -- Dean to the demon, on Supernatural
• "We both know that im a better liar than you are a cop." -- Sam to Woody, on Las Vegas

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• Cheerleader's brother: "I'm gonna put it on YouTube and make like a million dollars!"
  Zach: "YouTube is free you idiot." -- Regarding a video showing the cheerleader's abilities, on Heroes.
  
• "Your athletic ability has enabled millions of teenage Americans to sit on their couch and eat Doritos, and I think that is a wonderful thing." -- Jimmy kidding Tony Hawk about the massive success of his skateboarding video games on Jimmy Kimmel Live Thursday.
  
• "Wouldn't you think I'd get tired of constantly being right? And yet it never gets old." -- Stark on Shark.
• "She ran away with it like a hobo with a sweet potato pie!" -- Dan Rather, regarding Hillary Clinton's win, on The Daily Show.
• Ratner: "You don't notice the little people because you're too busy lounging with Captain Moneybags here."
  Logan: "That's Admiral Moneybags." -- Hotel employee to Veronica Mars regarding not noticing him, on Veronica Mars.
  

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• "Word in the conspiracy mill is she's out having my love child." -- Det. John Munch explaining Det. Olivia Benson's absence on Law & Order: SVU.
• "You brought me back to life. Don't think you're not going to pay for that." -- Randall, to brother Lucas, on The Nine.
• Eden: "He claims he can fly, but I don't have information ... Also there may have been an encounter with somebody who can stop time."
  Horn-Rim Glasses Guy: "Really? That's cool." -- on Heroes.
• "You're not getting in this dress." -- Alan Shore to Denny Crane on Boston Legal.

Continue reading And I Quote: The best lines of the week

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• "Miss Hasselbeck, perhaps best known for her work as a mime on the show The View, told the grown-ups on that program that she was outraged by the name of one of Law & Order's special victims, Elizabeth Hassenback." -- Keith Olbermann, during his Keeping Tabs segment on Countdown.
• Hiro: "We got beat up because you made us cheat at gambling. Using my powers for personal gain. That's the Dark Side."
  Ando: "Not being broke is the Dark Side?" -- Heroes.
• "Wow! You are really screwed!" -- What Bob says when personal trainer / weight-loss coach Bob Harper on The Biggest Loser learns that Erik has lost a challenge and will have to workout three days without Bob's help.

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• "Yes, I know, I'll get letters." -- Boston Legal's Alan Shore, after bashing Freedom of Religion during the closing arguments of a trial.
• "What are you, a Democrat?" -- Fellow officer to McNulty when McNulty allows Omar his one phone call while being arrested, on The Wire.
• "I'm not part of any organization that has initials." -- Evil Glasses-Guy to Officer Parkman, when accused of working for the FBI, or maybe the CIA on Heroes.
• "That guy from Labyrinth just turned into a bird!" -- Hank, after watching David Bowie fly away, on The Venture Bros.

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• "Somewhere in a parallel universe bizarro-Dick is being a total killjoy." -- Dick Casablancas to Veronica Mars, when she tells him she's rushing a sorority, on Veronica Mars.
• "When I was 23, I had a paper route." -- David Letterman, about Nikki Hilton opening up her own hotel.
• "This is macaroni and cheese. It's what American's eat when they want to commit suicide slowly." -- Eden on Heroes.
• "In the end, when everyone else in this unit is buried and be-shitted, this Detective Sargent will still be standing." -- Sgt Landsman explaining CYA to Kima Greggs on The Wire.
• "What? Haven't you ever seen a smoking dwarf before?" -- Attorney Bethany Horowitz on Boston Legal.

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• "Looks like you're about to get pwned." -- Cartman's World of Warcraft character to his next victim, on South Park.
• Marlo: "That's my money."
  Omar: "Man, many ain't got no owners. Only spenders." -- Marlo, being robbed by Omar, on The Wire.
• "If you're the exterminator, why are you wearing a gun holster?" -- Eden on Heroes.
  
• "This is the best team ever!" -- New trainer Kim to her first team ever, on The Biggest Loser.
• First Woman (black goop on her hand): "What's this black stuff?"
  Second Woman: "That used to be Denver." - Jericho
• "Hey, you got yourself a fish biscuit!" -- Mr. Friendly to Sawyer, who figured out the reward system in his cage on Lost.
• "When you escaped from the Krytonian 'land of the lost' I bet you didn't think that you'd be rewarded by having to save Lex Luthor while battling a raging head-cold, huh?" -- Chloe to Clark on Smallville.
• Marina: "You're really gonna put a child who's just lost his mother on the stand and then pull him apart?"
  Stark: "That's exactly what I'm gonna do." -- Shark.
• "Gettin' struck by lightning...it ain't fun." -- Ash on Supernatural.
  
• "It's a booby trap!" Marin Frist, on Men in Trees, after tripping over her bra.

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• "... Wanna go halvsies on a skin flick?" - Doc Venture, to Doctor Orpheus, right after apologizing for some homophobic remarks, on The Venture Bros.
• "How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparing with the puppies?" - Robber of drug dealers, Omar, after having drugs surrendered over to him, unasked for and without a fight, on The Wire.
• "It's not perjury if you honestly don't remember." - Tommy Caffee's mentor, Judd, trying to get Tommy to give a self-serving deposition against his brother, on Brotherhood.
• "Do you ever get the feeling you were meant to do something extraordinary?"
  "I'm driving a cab, you may have noticed." - Peter and Mohinder, on Heroes.
  
• "Oh please, if there were new guys they'd have shown up in the season premiere." - Denny Crane to his new attorneys on Boston Legal.
• "Who do you think you're kidding? You and I both know you spent hours deliberating which dress in your closet best displayed that world-class cleavage of yours." - Christian, trying to seduce Michelle, on Nip/Tuck.

Continue reading And I Quote: The best lines of the week

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• "Has your pit bull ever killed anyone?" - Larry King, to guest Rachael Ray.
• "You make the legal system into a game to be played for fun and profit."
  "You make that seem like a bad thing ..." - D.A. Devlin to Stark, on Shark.
• "Did you ask [the victim] who shot him?"
  Uniformed officer: "Yeah. He said it was a guy with a gun." - Detective Bunk on The Wire, questioning first officer on a crime scene.
• "Never have I had to step over dead bodies to get my hair done!" - Rose's friend, on Brotherhood after the pair pass the scene of police investigating a street shooting.
• "I'm sure you were great, but it was the National Anthem, they were standing already." - Matt, about his ex-girlfriend Harriet saying she got a standing ovation when she sang before a Dodgers game, on Studio 60.

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• The White Prince: "I am a seraphim, a prince appointed by a power much higher than us!"
  Blade: "You're nothing but another crazy-ass vampire." -- Blade: The Series
  
• "Hey, you folks excited about the new Elizabeth Taylor book? (applause) Then you're gay."- - David Letterman, to his studio audience
• "I lost to Barry Manilow! I lost to Copacabana! Singing and dancing is not performing. Losing to Wolverine I could've lost to, he's got claws for hands!" -- Stephen Colbert, on losing at the Emmys
• "I'm the only straight man to bring his mother two years in a row." -- Jeremy Piven, accepting his Best Supporting Actor Emmy
• "My eighth grade history teacher, who told me to sit down and shut up because I wasn't funny. No, thank you Mr. McAdoo...my boss when I was a production assistant on Step by Step, who made me clean the gum off the executive producer's shoe...and finally God. I am sure you are responsible in some way, but you took my hair and that's not cool man." - Greg Garcia, accepting his award for My Name Is Earl
• "Unfortunately Father, you don't answer to me." -- Dep. Chief Brenda Johnson to a priest who apologizes to her for not knowing about a romantic relationship between one of his students and a death row inmate on The Closer
• "That's an unfortunate tie." -- Rose Caffee on seeing Pete's attempt to dress up for Mike's surprise party on Brotherhood
  
• Josh Trager: "So after all that you're just a regular kid with regular parents?"
  Kyle XY: "Apparently."
  Josh: "I liked you better as an alien." -- Kyle XY
• "I'll tell ya something that I know is true. The Indians here -- the tomahawk variety -- some of them believe -- well, used to believe before most of them were slaughtered -- that when a warriors kills another in battle, he absorbs that fallen warrior's spirit. So this isn't the end for you, doc. You're with me now." -- T-Bag to the pet doctor he's about to kill, on Prison Break
  

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• "Most of all, what I'll remember about my time at the show, are the decent, ordinary working folks I've met...and tried to bone." -- Rob Corddry, on his last day at The Daily Show.
• Shen: "So the enemy of my enemy is my friend?"
  Blade: "I don't have a problem killing my friends either." -- Blade: The Series
  
• "It's his last week and we're just trying to think up terrible stuff for him to do." -- Jon Stewart, after Rob Corddry reported from a toilet on The Daily Show.
• "Do you think I like upsetting you?" -- Chief Will Pope to Dep. Chief Brenda Johnson on The Closer.
• "A pleasure carving a baby in half with you as alway, Tommy." -- The mayor after negotiating a compromise in committee with Tom Caffee, on Brotherhood.
• "Now you're a master lip reader? Is there anything you can't do?" -- Josh just after Kyle discovers he can lip read, but before he discovers he has super hearing, on Kyle XY.
• "The problem I find with being 'on a trail' is that, by definition, you'll always be behind your prey." -- Agent Alexander Mahone to Bellick, on Prison Break.
  

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• "I am what I am...and I'm not a bad looking guy." -- Tom, on Hell's Kitchen.
• "It feels like someone with a fever is yelling at my pants!" -- Hank, while drying his pants with the hand dryer on The Venture Bros.
  
• "After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only 'foine', but 'teh sex'... whatever that means." -- The Monarch, explaining how he met his date on LiveJournal, on The Venture Bros.
• "Hezbollah might be a ragtag group of undereducated extremist militiamen, but at least they're not FEMA." -- Correspondent John Oliver, regarding Lebanon's rebuilding efforts, on The Daily Show.
• Krista: "She was dying!"
  Blade: "That's what humans do." -- Krista explains to Blade why she just had to turn her mother into a vampire, on Blade: The Series.
• "Woah, that must be his alien voice ... sort of a mix between human and dolphin!" -- Josh (listening to a tape of Kyle XY's weird under-hypnosis mutters), on Kyle XY.
• "Enough of these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf**ing plane." -- Samuel L. Jackson giving a script reading from his new movie to reporter Monica Novotny on Countdown with Keith Olbermann.
• "Mike, we gotta find a new area to bury people, we've run outta run under the overpass. Anyway they got all that oil down there ... causes cancer, ya know?" -- Pete, on Brotherhood.
  

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• "How bad do you want me to be?" Lt. Provenza to Dep. Chief Brenda Johnson after she tells him they're going to play good cop, bad cop with a suspect, on The Closer.
• "Then get yourself a badass summer-weight coat." -- Chen, after a leather-clad Blade gets after him for not fixing the Blademobile's air conditioning, on Blade: The Series.
• "Oh, Rusty. You are never alone. Those stars -- well, okay, you can't see them right now 'cause we're in the city -- but those stars... they're always watching us!" -- Jonas The Alien, to Doc Venture, on The Venture Bros.
• "Join the Army and spend your mid-life crisis in a real-life crisis." -- Jon Stewart, regarding the Army's new age limit, on The Daily Show.
• "Trust me, they're top notch!" -- Ryan McPoyle, commenting on his sister's breasts, on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
• "You will not mistake the newspaper man. He looks like a big turtle." -- Hearst, regarding A.W. Merrick, on Deadwood.
• "This whole experience has given me a whole new skin on life." -- Virginia, on Hell's Kitchen.

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• "For every G.I. Joe we have, we have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." -- Jon Stewart, regarding the Army, on The Daily Show.
• "Do I come off as gay? Because sometimes people call me 'bookish'... but I think that's code." -- Stephen Colbert, after the DC delegate asked about his sexual orientation, on The Colbert Report.
• "If I'd a know what a murderous son of a bitch you'd turn out to be, I'd a killed you in my womb." -- Blade's mother speaking in a dream, on Blade: The Series.

Continue reading And I Quote: The best one-liners of the week

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• "He's like Dakota Fanning, with a dick." Ari, to Penny Marshall, about a kid actor he's trying to get Marshall to cast in a movie so he'll be away from his daughter, on Entourage.
• "When I say 'f**k yourself' sheriff, will you put that down to drunkenness or a high estimate of your athleticism?" - Hearst, to Bullock, on Deadwood.
• "Please please please please please please please please move your arses!!" - Chef Gordon Ramsay, to the contestants, on Hell's Kitchen.
• "I don't give a f**k what color is it!" - Chef Ramsay, after he asks about a hair found in a dish sent out to a customer, on Hell's Kitchen.
• "Apparently, E went into more than MC squared." - David Letterman, about Albert Einstein having two wives and two mistresses.
• "Why, Thor the god of thunder is trying to enter my building!" - Adam, reacting to Jamie's loud magnet climb inside an air vent, on MythBusters.

Continue reading And I Quote: the best one-liners of the week

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