TVSquad

Wham, bam...thank you, ma'am. A lot of reality shows tend to drag out the big finale. Some to the point of being obnoxious (cough, cough...The Apprentice). But not Top Model. There was no long and tedious two-hour finale. No live audience. Not even a lot of tense music. And I only counted one suspenseful cut to a commercial that slightly annoyed me. Tyra kept this finale short and sweet, without a lot of fluff. So, I will do the same... 

Well, poop. The Great Red Bull Fiasco of 2005 ended (peacefully) before it fully developed into a reality TV ragefest. Ugh! I hate you reality TV gods. I shake my fists at you in frustrated anger. After last week's pre-Thanksgiving Red Bull/Granola bar bitch fest, I was super-psyched for some more petty fighting amongst the girls. But things ended just when they were getting started.

I thought London was supposed to be a tame and boring town? Apparently, not for the Top Model girls. Things have finally gotten crazy. Crazy...and shocking. In just two weeks, not only have we lost the two girls who I thought were going to make it to the final three, but the two girls with the most personality. Last week, we lost Drunken Lisa...well before her time. And this week, Lesbian Kim got the premature boot. 

Check out this hot item from the America's Next Top Model gift shop -- a baseball cap with a built-in scrunchie. The website claims that this hat is revolutionary because it removes the ever-constant fear of losing your scrunchie. Which is a legitimate concern since I lost my scrunchie...in the 5th grade! I suppose this hat is a good idea, in the same way that hair brushes with built-in handle hairspray spritzers were a good idea...in the 80s. Not only can you get this sweet cap in all its "bad hair day" glory, but you can also get it in yellow or purple. Which means that you'll really stand out during that late night tampon run to KMart. What kind of crap is Tyra trying to sell us here? No Tyra! Bad model.  

I haven't been enjoying this season of America's Next Top Model as much as last, because the girls are so boring. But over the last few weeks I've been renewing my love, because I've realized why this show is so great: it's totally like 6th grade.

Last week the girls made collages on posterboard about themselves, and then pretended that they were star models with entourages. Then they went on "go sees" which are a lot like middle school career day. They're all shy and "like"-ing all over the place, full of too-big smiles and overly emotional body language. They pack their sentences with "ummm." They get silly awards for "the person with the most star potential." They gossip, they share makeup, they go googoo over teen stars - the whole show is one big girls-only summer camp.

The casting director for this season's Top Model should really be fired. I know that Tyra claims that she has all the control over who gets cast, and she acts like she personally watches every video submission. But I know that someone else must be to blame. Here we are at week 9 and I'm still waiting for the girls to take it to the next level. For lack of a better cliched expression, I'm still waiting for them to Hulk-up. The show is now in London and typically when Top Model moves "overseas," that's the part of the season where things really get fierce. A true top model emerges. But this season, I have seen nothing of the sort.

I've come up with a new work-out regimen to do while watching America's Next Top Model. It's a lot like a drinking game, but it involves tricep curls instead of vodka shots. The premise is simple -- every time Lisa overstates her talent, you do ten push-ups. Every time Kim gossips about someone, you do 25 crunches. Every time you see one of Bre's hood rat tattoos, you do 15 deep leg squats. If we all stick with this routine, then surely by the finale, we'll all look like Tyra Banks. Okay, maybe not -- maybe more like Kim on one of her "fat/less androgynous days"

This week is Top Model Week on UPN, which is an evil plot by the network to trick you into watching all of their shows, just to see cameos of your favorite former ANTM models. Even Wednesday's episode of Veronica Mars will feature the winner of a model challenge that will be airing just an hour earlier on ANTM: Cycle 5. I'm particularly excited about Thursday night's line-up, which will feature Brittany on Love Inc., Jay on Eve, and Miss J on Cuts. And then the next night on Friday Night Smack Down, Michelle from Cycle 4 (ha ha...remember her and her freaky skin cooties?) will be making an appearance. It should be a bitch-slapping good time!   

This week's episode was a sham. It was one of those "recap/let's revisit all the great moments of the past few weeks" episodes. I hate these episodes. I don't want to recap, I want to move forward, or I don't want a show at all. Plus, ANTM is guilty of doing something with these recaps that I hate the most -- the "we'll also show you special unseen footage that you've never seen before." This always turns out to be a disappointment because if the footage was really that great, then it would have been in included in the original episode. Like, what special unseen footage did we get last night? That the girls have a rogue (blind?) bird that lives in their apartment, that they've named Bojangles. I could have done without that. But we did get some good footage of Jayla being a bitch. And apparently, she's a bitch because she was homeschooled and lacks the incredible social graces and charm that is diligently taught in public school. I don't know. I'm sorta suspicious of why they are showing Jayla being a bitch now. Perhaps it's a hint that she's going to go further in the competition then they originally thought when first editing the show? Your thoughts?

When did Kyle's boobs get so big and when did she get so dumb? I swear, the boobies were smaller and she was smarter in last week's episode. I guess that is what happens with clever editing. And what was this week's big lesson? Big boobs and being dumb gets you no where. It gets you eliminated from the show and it sends you back to your job at Dairy Queen. (Dairy Queen? I mean, honestly, she can't get an old rich dude to take care of her?)  

Now they've sent the second big girl home -- Coryn, the man. Tyra said it was because of her sadness, but I'm secretly thinking that it was because of that hidden Y chromosome. Last week, it was the curvy girl, Diane, who got the boot. And I know we've discussed this before, but again...why do they bother bringing these big girls on if they are just gonna send them home after a couple of weeks? What is the point of putting them through all that emotional torture, if they know that they aren't going to pick a bigger girl anyway? Like, we all know that Kim isn't going to win. We all know it. But they keep her there anyway, week after week. 

Everybody sing along now! Lisa's a bitch, a bitch, she's a bitch, bitch, bitch. A bitch, a bitch, bitch. A bitch, bitch, bitch. Bitch, bitch, bitch. (Big finale, so get those twinkle fingers in the air) Liiiiiisa's a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch! Yeah! Why is Lisa such a bitch? And apparently, she's an alcoholic bitch. I knew she was boozing it up way back in Episode 2. Whenever you see someone on a reality show drinking too much from the same unmarked "drinking glass," you know they're boozing. And Lisa is boozing. That's not Sprite; that's vodka.

I like this. Anne over at B&C Beat proposes a new reality show she calls The Quitters. Rather than focusing on people who put up with reality show tyrants like Donald Trump, Martha Stewart, and Tyra Banks, this show would celebrate those who choose to pack it all in rather than face the abuse. Anne cites Cassandra, who refused to cut her hair an extra inch per Tyra's demands on America's Next Top Model. There was also Chuck on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, who felt bad for failing his team and mentioned quitting. Of course, Martha saved him the trouble by giving him the boot. And just as an aside, why in that same episode did two people have to carry a wedding cake clear through a huge building and out to a van? Have these people never heard of carts? If the show were called The Quitters, that would have been the perfect time to end it. Just let the cake drop to the ground and walk away. Maybe stomp on it on the way out.

We lost two models this week, and I must say that Cassandra's premature exit was the most uncelebrated exit in the history of reality television. That girl had her bags packed and was on her way back to Texas before you can say, "hair weave." I can't believe that she refused to cut that last inch of her hair off. Seriously, what does it matter? It was already so short -- does another inch really matter? (I mean, sometimes another inch matters, but not with hair...wink wink)   

It's makeover time! And how funny was it that the girl with the big, hairy eyebrows read the Tyra mail that said, "Don't bemoan a hairy situation"? Don't lie. You know, you laughed. I know I laughed. Ah, it's fun to make fun of beautiful people. Normally, the makeover show for Top Model is my favorite, but this one was pretty uneventful. I must say that most of the girls took their makovers pretty well, minus Miss Cassandra, the world's prettiest robot. And how great was it that they gave her the most radical makeover! Tyra wanted her to look like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby, and of course, she cried like a big robotic baby.