TVSquad

Title: Justice
Original Air Date: November 09, 1987
Written By: Worley Thorne
Story By: Ralph Wills and Worley Thorne
Directed by: James L. Conway
Episode: S01E08
Stardate: 41255.6

Synopsis: After dropping some human colonists off in the Strnad solar system, the Enterprise notices a rather nice Class M planet in the nearby Rubicun system, called Rubicun III. Picard sends an away team down to the surface to find out if it's a good place for some shore leave, and they return with some very good news: it's clean, it's beautiful, it's populated with friendly humanoids . . . and they really like to do the nasty.

"At the drop of a hat," according to Geordi.

"Any hat," Tasha says, knowingly.

Picard sends a second, larger team down to the planet to see exactly how many hats they're going to need. Because every responsible Starfleet parent would want to send their children down to the galaxy's longest running planetary orgy, he orders Wesley Crusher to see if the planet is a good place for kids to hang out.

After beaming down to the planet, the away team quickly learn three important facts:

1. The planet's inhabitants, called the Edo, like to jog everywhere.
2. They are all beautiful blond models, possibly descended from some sort of Maxim/FHM breeding program in the late 22nd century.
3. The entire planet is clothed in about 6 yards of fabric.

The Edo's leaders jog up and meet the away team, greeting them in the traditional Edo manner: lingering glances and inappropriately long hugs. Troi says, "I'm sensing a lot of boners, Commander."

Title: Lonely Among Us
Original Air Date: November 02,, 1987
Written By: D.C. Fontana
Story By: Michael Halperin
Directed by: Cliff Bole
Episode: S01E07
Stardate: 41249.3

Synopsis: Two alien races, the Antican and the Selay, wish to be admitted to the Federation, so they can get the discount card and the cool bumper sticker that comes with the welcome packet. But before they can join the club, they have to learn to play nice with each other, because in the enlightened future of Star Trek, only people who get along with each other can be in the United Federation of Planets. In order to work out their differences, delegates from each planet hitch a ride on the Enterprise to the Parliament planet, which is in the nearby Funkadelic system.

On the way, Data's sensors pick up a giant energy cloud, which really shouldn't be there, because the Enterprise is traveling at warp speed. Picard decides to slow down and take a quick look.

Meanwhile, Geordi and Worf are doing some maintenance on the ship's sensor systems. I'm sure nothing unusual will happen when the ship's sensors scan the energy cloud, right? Oh! Wrong. The ship scans the cloud, and big blue bolts of energy zap right out of the the wall and into Worf, knocking him to the ground almost as easily as every other adversary Worf will encounter for the rest of the series.

Title: Where No One Has Gone Before
Original Air Date: October 26, 1987
Written By: Diane Duane and Michael Reaves
Directed by: Rob Bowman
Episode: S01E06

Stardate: 41263.1

Synopsis: The Enterprise meets up with the USS Fearless, an Excelsior class starship that has just had its warp engines totaly spiffed out by an engineer named Kosiniski, who also drew some totally cool flames down the side of the warp nacelles when he was done putting baseball cards in the engine's spokes.

Starfleet wants Kosinski to hop onto the Enterprise, and see if he can trick out the engines of the Federation's flagship, so the Federation can win the big drag race against the Romulans down in the Dry Riverbed Galaxy after school gets out. Picard is totally cool with this, but Riker isn't as convinced that they need to stick a foxtail on the antenna. He tells Picard that Kosinski sent some specs over, but they're totally bullshit. Data backs him up with a surprisingly brief and to the point explanation. Picard gets really pissed that Riker is questioning his authoritah, but lets Riker take Counsellor Troi with him to the transporter room to check out Kosinski when he arrives.

When they get there, Troi, and Riker join Chief Engineer Argyle in an 18mm "it's the end of they day and we have to get this before the producers pull the plug" three shot as Kosinski arrives, steps off the transporter pad, and reveals to everyone that he is an epic douche. We also meet Kosinski's assistant, who tells us that his name is unpronounceable by humans, an awesome Star Trek device that makes its first of many appearances on Next Generation.

Kosinski whizzes on Riker's leg a little bit to mark his territory, sniffs at Argyles butt, and goes to engineering to work his totally awesome brand of warp drive magic. When he leaves, Troi tells us that he's loud and arrogant. (Riker must be so happy he brought her along for that deep and difficult to observe insight.) But she then adds that she doesn't feel anything from the mysterious assistant, like he isn't even there. (This theme is widely repeated in Troi and Riker fan fiction on Usenet.) Eerie music swells up, so the slower kids in the audience know to be worried, and for the really slow kids in the audience, Riker says that the safety of the Enterprise is in their hands.

Title: The Last Outpost
Original Air Date: October 19, 1987
Written By: Herbert Wright, from a story by Richard Krzemien
Directed by: Richard Colla
Episode: S01E05

Stardate: 41386.4

Synopsis: The Enterprise is chasing a Ferengi ship, in an effort to retrieve a T-9 energy converter, which the Ferengi stole from an unmanned monitoring post on Gamma Tauri IV. This gives the Federation a chance to make their first contact with a species that they know almost nothing about.

The mood on the bridge is tense. Rumors about the Ferengi are numerous, and include some terrifying suggestions: they eat humans, they're big and scary, and they have really huge wangs.

The Enterprise makes visual contact with the Ferengi ship just before it enters the unexplored Delphi Ardu system, and slows to sub-warp speed. This prompts Data to suggest that they're having engine trouble. Thanks for that incredible insight, Mr. Data.

Worf announces that the ship is in full visual range, and Picard orders maximum enlargement on the viewscreen. This reveals a ship that sort of looks like a croissant, which Picard says is an "impressive design." Ah, the joys of writing and filming reactions before the models are done.

Some expository dialogue ensues, with Data telling Picard (and the audience) that Ferengi and Federation technology is at about the same level, but that we are "advanced in some areas, they in others." Man, Data is just full of insightful information, and we haven't even seen the credits, yet!

There are a few power surges, and the Ferengi ship fires at the Enterprise! Luckily, the shields hold, and the blasts bounce harmlessly off. Everyone wants to return fire, except Picard, who says that the Enterprise should just chill out for a minute, because its close pursuit may have harshed on the Ferengi's mellow.

The Ferengi ship turns around to face the Enterprise, and now it does look kind of cool, sort of like a little croissant attached to a bigger croissant, like maybe a sausage croissandwich. Mmmmm . . . croissandwich.

The Enterprise begins to close on the Ferengi ship, which makes Picard -- who is already a little cranky -- a little more cranky. Geordi says that he isn't even touching the gas pedal, and that his foot is securely on the brakes. Since there is no farmer's market in sight and Geordi is in his 30s, it's reasonable to believe him.

Before Picard can get really cranky, the ship begins to lose power, and Picard trades crankiness for concern. Riker says that they've clearly underestimated the Ferengi's technology, and it's pretty clear that the Enterprise is in for some serious shit as the credits roll.

Title: The Naked Now
Original Air Date: October 5, 1987
Written By: John D.F Black and j. Michael Bingham
Directed by: Paul Lynch
Episode: S01E03

Stardate: 41209.2

Synopsis: The Enterprise is on her way to rendezvous with a science vessel called Tsiolkovsky. Tsiolkovsky is collecting data from a supergiant star, which is about to collapse into a white dwarf.

When the Enterprise arrives, the crew discovers that something isn't right on board the Tsiolkovsky, as a woman's voice broadcasts from the ship, "Well, hello, Enterprise, welcome. I hope you have a lot of pretty boys on board, because I'm willing and waiting. In fact, we're having a real blowout here."

A real blowout indeed! The crew hears that great big sucking sound Ross Perot will mention years later during the NAFTA debate, but it takes the crewmembers out into space, instead of jobs out of America.

Geordi, Tasha, Riker and Data make a quick trip to the Tsiolkovsky, where they confirm that the crew had a sexy party which ended with all of them in various stages of undress and death. Geordi examines a sonic shower, and a frozen woman falls into his arms. Geordi doesn't know it, but he's just been infected with the Tsiolokovsky disease. He also doesn't know it, but this is the closest he'll get to holding a woman until season three. Unfortunately, when he finally does, she'll be just as frigid.

When they return to the Enterprise, Geordi is clearly in Bat Country, and while Doctor Crusher tries to figure out what the hell is wrong with him, he begins to spread the infection around the ship.