Posted May 15th 2008 12:47AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews, Episode Recaps
(S10E13) The above screencap is the photographic equivalent of a horizontal suck sandwich.
Okay, that's not entirely accurate. The photos of Whitney and Anya are perfectly fine, but my hatred for the individual in the center pretty much taints the picture for me.
And in a broader sense, that's been the overarching flaw with cycle 10 of
America's Next Top Model.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: And the Winner Is... (season finale)
Posted May 10th 2008 7:35AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E12) This cycle of
America's Top Model has made me want to start up a debilitating heroin addiction.
Week after week my favorites have flown out the door starting with the "excitable" Amis and ending with that travesty of an episode two weeks ago when the distractingly beautiful Kataryzna was yanked for "too being vapid." My words, not theirs.
I can't seem to figure out what the hell the judges are looking for this go around, but I sure can tell you what they got. Want to hear it? Here it goes.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: Ready for My Close-Up
Posted Apr 24th 2008 9:40AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E10) I accidentally went through last weeks entire recap without a single mention of Lauren going straight Ginsu on her thumb.
I figured I shouldn't make the same mistake two weeks in a row so decided to intro with Anya's faceplant on a brick street..
We heard the requisite record play scratch immediately after she fell. We got Anya's diary room explanation of how it went down (literally). And we got to watch one girl out of five turn around and help Anya pry her mandible from the ground.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: Viva Italia!
Posted Apr 16th 2008 11:42PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E09) Now, I don't want to come off as too harsh or insensitive, but if Dominique is the first thing I see when an episode of
America's Next Top Model begins, I usually do a double take to make sure I didn't accidentally hit play on my
Gremlins 2 DVD.
Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I say Dominique's eyes be holding no beauty.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I say Domique's windows have vacancy signs tacked on the panes.
Some say an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I say, I would gladly gouge out both of my eyes with a worn tooth if I have to look at her just a week longer.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: For Those About to Walk, We Salute You
Posted Apr 2nd 2008 11:16PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E07) I cracked open my laptop and stared blankly at the screen for a good 30 minutes trying to muster up the will to write four to five paragraphs that ranted and raved about how much I
love Fatimanique.
Nothing came to me, so I cracked open a bible hoping that the good book would remove the hate from my heart, and grant me the ability to look past their demonic facades and love them like normal human beings should be loved.
It didn't work, so I cracked open a
Stella Artois hoping that some Belgium malt liquor would provide me with the liquid strength necessary to force my mind into pretending I gave a crap about these two medieval gargoyles.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere
Posted Mar 26th 2008 10:44PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E06) To be perfectly honest, I haven't paid a whole lot of attention to Aimee this season.
I mean look at her in the capture above. The waterfall or the buildings behind her have just as good a chance at capturing your attention as she does.
She's pretty nondescript to say the least and while she's a pretty girl and everything, she just hadn't done very much to stand out this season aside from profess her anxiety of being naked around other women. I'm not ashamed to admit I find that to be a turn-off.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: House of Pain
Posted Mar 19th 2008 11:07PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E05) We're down to 10 girls on this cycle of
America's Next Top Model, and my strategy to root for the models I least want to win is in full effect.
I'm currently supporting Dominique and Fatima with the hopes that they make it to the final two and I have to admit it's really painful having to do this.
I cringe every time I hear Dominique refer to herself in the third person. I gag every time Fatima talks about how ghetto or stupid another girl is. I cringe and gag having any positive thoughts about them, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the models I really want to win.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: Top Model Takes It to the Streets
Posted Mar 19th 2008 12:32AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, Big Brother (US), Episode Reviews
(S09E16) It's day 36 in the
Big Brother 9 house and all is copasetic between Matt and Natalie. Matt's gone so far as to say that he'd sacrifice himself later in the game if it came down to him or Natalie getting evicted from the house.
Personally, I find Mattie's character completely suspect. His eyes are about half-inch too far apart and he's just got that future-criminal-in-the-making shine about him. Yup, I'm willing to bet that if it came down to him and Natalie in the final two he'd hang her out to dry faster than a freshly washed fitted sheet before clothes dryers became a staple in American households.
Continue reading Big Brother 9: PoV Competition #5
Posted Mar 12th 2008 11:24PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E04) I have a confession to make. I've developed a bit of a crush on Amis.
It's not the psychotic plant-a-GPS-transponder-on-her-car-and-stalk-her crush that you might see on an episode of
Dateline or anything. I've simply grown fond of her goofy personality.She's got a real every-girl appeal about her and she's not the typical kind of model that you see coming on this show. I find her pretty refreshing. If Amis were to read this, I'm sure she'd find what I wrote slightly disturbing.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: Where's the Beef?
Posted Mar 12th 2008 12:03AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, Big Brother (US), Episode Reviews
(S09E13) Take a look at this face ladies and gentlemen, because it was the catalyst for all the madness that went down in the house tonight.
The funny thing is, she didn't plan
any of it. She has no real strategy in this game. She doesn't think more than ten minutes into the future as far posturing goes. And she thinks there are 27 letters in the alphabet. Enough said. Natalie is playing this game with love goggles on and, for better or worse, her undying obsession with Mattie has caused the biggest commotion in the
Big Brother 9 house all season and I'm elated.
Continue reading Big Brother 9: PoV Competition #4
Posted Mar 8th 2008 11:32PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E03) "Oh my God, I'm getting so annoyed with all of these girls!" - Allison
The full quote was too long to put here in the intro. Allison went on to say that she wants to strangle all of the other girls on regular basis and that she's not really threatened by any of them. Allison is convinced that she's light years ahead of everyone else thanks to all the experience she's had modeling in her lengthy 19 years of life.
While Allison is an extremely pretty girl, she's just got to go! The I'm-so-much-better-than-these-other-girls attitude she's been displaying since day one pretty much makes her the ugliest girl on the show, and that's saying a lot with Dominique still in the running. Can I get an "oh snap"?
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: Top Model Makeovers
Posted Feb 28th 2008 12:00AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E02) I'm still a bit shocked that Tyra went through all the trouble of opening up the competition to 14 girls this season and out of everyone she could have selected, she went with Dominique.
I mean, I admit that Dominique is a little bit exotic looking, but so were the baboons I saw the last time I went to the zoo. Umm, that came out wrong. That was horribly insulting to all the innocent baboons of the world. I take it back.
I kid, I kid. Dominique isn't
that unattractive, I just don't think she was the right choice for this competition. It almost seems like the only reason she's there is so the judges can crack drag queen jokes about her all episode long.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: New York City, Here We Come
Posted Feb 26th 2008 11:21PM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, Big Brother (US), Episode Reviews
(S09E07) Alex is pissed and rightfully so. He hasn't done a single thing that would cause the other house guests to put him up for eviction, but due to the fact that he's tied to Amanda, he finds himself up for eviction.
How fair is that? Not remotely fair if you ask me, and this is coming from a guy who thinks Alex is a bigger toolbag than you could find at your local Sears and Roebuck.
For the first time I'm starting to thing this whole "soulmates" thing is incredibly unfair. I kind of felt this way in the beginning when Sharon got the boot thanks to her idiot ex-beau Jacob, but I feel much stronger about it this week.
Continue reading Big Brother: PoV Competition #2
Posted Feb 21st 2008 12:15AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, America's Next Top Model, Episode Reviews
(S10E01) It seems like only yesterday I was making fun of the "corpse bride" Jenah's slightly crooked teeth, and Victoria's all too annoying superiority complex during cycle 9 of
America's Next Top Model.
While I'll miss the crazy group of girls we had last year, I'm absolutely thrilled that I've got a whole new group of people to poke fun at with cycle 10.
Continue reading America's Next Top Model: Welcome to Top Model Prep (season premiere)
Posted Feb 20th 2008 1:23AM by JJ Hawkins
Filed under: OpEd, Big Brother (US), Episode Reviews
(
S09E04) It's another night in the
Big Brother 9 house and the house is full of people in various states of unhappiness and discontent. Most prominently, Parker was extremely upset with Jen's antics so he decided to list out the "three steps of destruction by Jen."
A. She held the secret that her and Ryan were dating (then subsequently revealed it to the house).
B. She's cocky to a fault.
C. She's an idiot and he's the one who has to suffer because of her ignorance.
I can't really say that I disagree with any of his points. In fact, I'd probably add a few more items to the list.
Continue reading Big Brother 9: PoV Competition #1
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