TVSquad

If a show like Top Chef never found a meal, would you watch it? If Ice Road Truckers couldn't find snow, would you pay attention?

Yet, every week, paranormal investigation shows like Ghost Hunters or Paranormal State hit the air and unveil the whole pile of absolute squat they found. Now, there's a new contender in the "Hey! Look! We found pretty much nothing!" category with the Discovery Channel's Ghost Lab.

Each week two thick slabs of Texas beef named Brad and Barry Klinge (right) take their Everyday Paranormal investigation team out into the wild haunted yonder. They come armed with their traveling "ghost lab" -- a 24-foot car hauler "capable of providing 200,000 watts of electricity to power audio, video and photo analysis stations; flat-screen televisions and an interactive touch-screen smartboard."

The lab also packs surveillance cameras, temperature, humidity and dew point data loggers various digital cameras, thermal imaging equipment, audio recorders and more than 8,000 feet of video cable. So, they can hear if a gnat breaks wind and detect a spilled Dr. Pepper. But I'm going to guess this Mystery Machine truck doesn't come packed with a lot of proof that ghosts exist.

The team then "consults with some of the world's foremost specialists in science measurements to devise and test theories during their investigations." (How are we measuring "science" these days?)

According to Discovery, Ghost Lab asks, "Is there more 'ghost activity' around water? Are spirits attached to specific items or locations? Is there a parallel universe?" I'll take a crack at saving some production costs and throw in some answers: "No. No. And, yes -- on Fringe."

There's nothing wrong with looking for ghosts. And, there's no sin in building spooky little shows around the often fruitless hobby. But can we declare a U.N. moratorium on these shows until one of them finds something more than a floating speck of dust flitting past the camera?

Oh, sorry. I meant "spirit orb."