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(S07E05) If there's anything that will make you look bad, it's driving lessons. That's whether you're the driver or the instructor. In my experience, driving lessons are like a big magnifying glass revealing everything in too sharp a focus. And so it was that Jake had the misfortune of trying to get some time behind the wheel with the peanut gallery of Charlie and Alan offering advice in between hurling insults at each other.

But the real horror was still to come. Alan and Charlie have been brothers for their entire lives, but the past six and a half years of living together has turned them into something foul. Jake didn't know how foul until they went for ice cream. More after the jump.

With Chelsea out of town, Charlie actually agreed to go to the movies with Alan and Jake. What could possibly be unpleasant about going to the multiplex? Well, when your uncle has to sit in the front row because he can't see the screen -- and won't deign to get glasses -- and your father smuggles in a Tupperware filled with Deviled eggs, you want to die. And Jake did a little. He didn't want to sit with Charlie and Alan. Could it have been because the Deviled eggs smelled like ass? Or maybe it was the rum Uncle Charlie was pouring into the Coke?

How bad have Charlie and Alan become that even Jake has had it with them? The two Harpers have devolved into bickering bros who can't even recognize how odious they are as a pair. They can point out each others' flaws just fine, as they did in a rousing game of alphabetical dissing. I enjoyed that and they were really quite good at it. I think if they hadn't cut to a commercial, they would have had no problem getting past "V."

At the ice cream shop, Jake suffered the indignity of seeing his father and uncle through the eyes of a pretty girl. It wasn't a pretty sight. Jake was grossed out by their antics. Yea, Jake, the fartmeister, as Charlie affectionately called him.

But when Jake decided to stop hanging at the beach house on weekends with Dad and Uncle Charlie, he didn't realize that Judith had a vote, too. She wanted him there on the weekends. She wanted him out of her house. Jake's embarrassment wasn't as significant as her need for peace and quiet, which means Jake is back at the beach on weekends. If that means being awakened by Tequila-soaked relatives slobbering about how much they love you, so be it. You can always fart at the dinner table.

Funny Stuff

-- "Get a double scoop of gayberry." - Charlie's commentary about Alan's choice of ice cream

-- "Tell me what I did so I can do it to you." -- when Alan tells Charlie that Jake doesn't want to visit anymore

-- "Stop it, can't you see you're tearing this family apart." - Berta's response to Alan and Charlie fixing their relationship

[For clips from Two and a Half Men, check out Slashcontrol.]