TVSquad

The first 20 seconds of this show have already freaked me out. Ryan and Simon are in the back of a limo and they're just flirting. They're smiling and giggling, and it feels like I'm looking in on a first date. Moving on ...

American Idol continues to try to make this my favorite season ever by reminding America that Randy used to play with Journey. Not only did he tell America "Don't stop believin'," but he did so while wearing a large amount of spandex. And for that reason, he will always be my favorite judge.

This episode just gets weirder when we see that the limo Ryan and Simon are in has a police escort. There are literally half a dozen sheriff's vehicles surrounding them as they are driven to the audition site. Now, I used to live in Florida and I still have family there, so I visit quite often. Let me tell you: Florida police have way bigger things going on that could use their attention. This does not strike me as a clever use of resources.



Joshua Ulloa, 22, "Let's Get it On" - Marvin Gaye
Joshua says that he gets compared to Justin Guarini more often than not. While I can see the similarities -- they are both dudes who have curly hair, Joshua seems to have had it a bit rougher than the baby-faced moppet from season one. He actually has a decent voice, but he hams it up with lots of random beats and sounds and other crazy nonsense. It's annoying, but the judges find him entertaining, so they send him through.

Sharon Wilbur, 25, "Superstar" - Karen Carpenter
Sharon kind of looks like an over-tanned Joss Stone and brings her little yappy dog to the audition with her. She has a good voice, but she tries way too hard and adds a bunch of unnecessary runs and crap into her song. Regardless, the judges are in a good mood, so Randy and Simon vote her through to Hollywood. Then all hell breaks loose: Kara and Paula start making out, Kara almost pops a boob out and thinks she's on live TV. She then announces her real reason for joining the judges panel: to get into Simon's pants. It's a little too early in the day for everyone to be this punch drunk. Luckily for Sharon, it works in her favor.

Dana Moreno, 24, "Through the Fire" - Chaka Khan
It ... does not go well. Remember when you first heard the Kanye West song, "Through the Wire," and you were like, "hey, that sounds kind of familiar," but couldn't figure out why until you heard it about half a dozen more times? Well, this was like that -- except ear-splittingly awful. She is not going to Hollywood.

Kaneswa Finnie, 16
Kaneswa is an adorable and confident 16-year-old girl, but she sings completely through her sinuses. Simon says he has never heard that song quite like that before, and I can't even figure out what the song is. It's not good. Simon even goes so far as to drag the mother into the room to tell her how awful her daughter is. Simon is absolutely right, but that seems a little unnecessarily cruel.

Julissa Veloz, 19, "If I Don't Have You" - Whitney Houston
I'm with Simon who says that it was better than he expected. I was expecting something awful, and she really wasn't half bad. With that said, I don't think there's any chance she'll make it to the top ten. Paula has a hissy fit unrelated to her, and Julissa plays with her hair and tells her she's pretty until Paula comes back to the judge's table. Because she took the 4:30 shift of talking Paula down from the ledge, the judges vote her through to Hollywood.

Darin Darnell, 28, "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday" - Boys 2 Men
Darin seems like a nice guy, but let's be honest: he's got some stuff going on in his life. I don't know what it is, but he seems to spend most of the day literally bouncing around and talking to anyone and everyone in his general vicinity, but then completely falls apart when it's time for his audition. He starts crying and can barely begin his song. After he does start, he's kind of singing and crying, and it's really uncomfortable. Unfortunately, he's not good, so the whole thing is just kind of awful.

Naomi Sykes, 25, "Loving You" - Minnie Riperton
Naomi is the last contestant of the day, and she has a steep hill in front of her, as the judges have all lost their collective minds. Naomi's friend is a big Randy Jackson fan (she must love Journey too!), so she comes in and Simon has her sit on Randy's lap for the song. This leads Paula to sit on Simon's lap, and Kara to call in Ryan so he can sit on her lap. So everyone is on top of each other, and this poor girl has to sing. And, no. She sounds like someone's drunken girlfriend at a wedding; the girl that no one knows and makes everyone uncomfortable because they don't know how to tell their friend that while the chick he's dating is hot, she is completely ridiculous. It gets kind of sad when the girl thinks she did a really good job, and even the friend she brought has this "Oh dear Lord" look on her face. She does not going to Hollywood.

Jasmine Murray, 16, "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie
This girl is the devil. Every time I hear this song, it gets stuck in my head for no less than a week. She has a good voice, but she tends to sing out of her nose, which seems to be a big problem so far this season. The judges all think she's adorable, so she gets a unanimous "yes." Her sisters and mother are all there, and they're thrilled. It's pretty adorable.

George Ramirez, 18 (pictured)
George has the glassy, thousand-yard stare of a Charles Manson. His wildest dream is to have a simple house with marble floors. I have no idea what he's singing, but I'm pretty sure he's trying to hypnotize the judges with subliminal messages in his song. It's kind of scary, and the judges say no to him.

T.K. Hash, 23, "Imagine" - John Lennon
T.K apparently auditioned last year and did not get through. His audition is a little overdone, but he's very talented. I don't really understand why he didn't get through last season. The judges agree that his audition is too over-the-top, and Simon says no. The other judges, however, vote him through to Hollywood.

Michael Perrelli, 18, "Jumper" - Third Eye Blind
Bwahahahaha. I shouldn't find this as funny as I do, but Michael is the type of guy who never leaves the house without his guitar, so already, he seems like a chore. Then, they tell him he can't play guitar during his audition, and he freaks the hell out. Again, I know it's mean that I find this so hilarious, but I do. Anyway, he sings Third Eye Blind and makes it sound like something from Pippin. The judges kind of like him, but don't find him very interesting. He doesn't get voted through.

Anne Marie Boskovich, 22, "Bubbly" - Colbie Callait
The judges do something that I've never seen them do before: they send Anna Marie away, but tell her to come back. She sings a snippet of one of Kara's songs, and it's quite obvious that she's talented. Simon, however, doesn't like her look. She comes back with some makeup and different shoes, and gives it another shot. It works, and the judges unanimously vote her through to Hollywood.

Once again, they saved the best for last on Idol. No one in Florida really impressed me too much. In fact, Anne Marie is the only one who I can see going anywhere. I have no idea if she actually writes her own songs, but she's got that real singer/songwriter vibe going for her, and I think it's going to work in her favor. Jasmine Murray is another one who will probably get a little traction in the competition, but ultimately, I don't know how much commercial appeal she has. Who was your favorite of the night?