TVSquad

The TV neighbor has served many useful roles over the years; some that many thought had been lost by the unrelenting sands of time.

They've become the great modern philosopher like Wilson, the evolving thinker like Bill Dauterive, the bearer of bad news like Newman, and even the court jester -- as long as you don't count one of these guys.

Not only would we not want some of them living next door to us, we wouldn't want them living. Period. These are the annoying next-door neighbors who should have been run out by the Neighborhood Homeowners' Association with torches and pitchforks.

1. Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched – This nosey neighbor of Samantha and Darren pioneered techniques that would pave the way for the CIA, the NSA and the Patriot Act. She constantly spied on her neighbors by sneaking into their home or peering through their windows for any proof of supernatural activity. She was always reporting it to anyone who would listen, which was no one. Worst of all, she would signal distress with a shrill scream that would make a car alarm file a noise complaint with the police department. She was J. Edgar Hoover in a dress; well, probably with better taste in clothes.

2. Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld – This freewheeling fellow looks like the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having across the hall from you. Most carnivorous prey always look friendly before they snare you. As soon as you move in, he's coming and going as he pleases. He's always raiding your fridge for food. And he's always screwing up any chance you'll ever have at being with a woman by opening his big fat mouth. Even after he's gone, he's still saying stuff he shouldn't and somehow dragging you into the middle of it.

3. John Allen Hill from Cheers - No one likes a rich snob for a neighbor. Imagine if he not only lived next door to you, but also owned the house you live in. Sam Malone found himself with that problem when Melville's bald bitter bully bought Cheers and hounded him for the rent. He always looked down on the gang, both figuratively and literally, since his restaurant was above the bar. The only weapon Sam could use against him (assuming he didn't have a gun in his office) was a diminutive, short-tempered bar waitress who could dish out more insults than Don Rickles at a United Nations roast of Kofi Annan.

4. Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy – People who don't have a place in their heart for Family Guy (and I'm leaning at a 36 degree acute angle towards that group myself) have a lot to find annoying about the show. Just imagine how annoying that makes Quagmire. He's a sexually-obsessed deviant who has more fetishes than a Louisiana politician and talks about them with the uncomfortable freeness of a Summer's Eve commercial. If that weren't creepy enough, he announces his arousal with a stupid "giggity giggity goo" and air humping hard enough to knock out his lower vertebrae. I would cram something in his mouth to shut him up if I didn't know that would turn him on even more.



5. Steve Urkel from Family Matters – I'm not the kind of person who encourages bullying or any bully-like behavior. I know for a fact the long-term harm they cause, and I've still got the swirly scars to prove it (I tell people I got it in a knife fight over Bob Barker's replacement). But if it came to this kid, I'd flush for them. He's got an annoying voice, an intrusive presence wherever he goes, and a streak of accident proneness that makes you wonder if God isn't trying to shut him up, too.

6. Eddie Haskell from Leave It to Beaver – It isn't just that this little brown-nosing know-it-all is annoying. He's downright evil. One minute he's complementing Mrs. Cleaver on her lovely dress and the next, he's picking on poor Beaver or planning some fiendish scheme or prank to get back at someone or gain a leg up on his own life. He's Damien without the Supercuts do. He's Freddy if he got regular chemical peels. He's Dick Cheney with charm.

7. Ned Flanders from The Simpsons – I actually had a hard time deciding whether or not Ned should go on this list. As another blogger noted in "Seven Neighbors You'd Want in Real Life", Ned's not that bad of a guy. Sure he's got a super friendly attitude that could make Mother Teresa punch him, but he's also got a rec-room that could rival most Dave and Buster's franchises and a Sarah Palin-ish wife with a nice, high butt. Then I remembered that this neighborly neighbor once took over the world by taking advantage of a tiny defect in the space-time continuum. So now Flanders su-diddly-ucks.



8. Debra Marie and Frank Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond – Where would we be without family? We'd probably be living without the lingering guilt of perfection. We wouldn't be paying regular therapy bills. We wouldn't go through so much cough syrup to soothe our aching throats and let its 180 proof goodness knock us out faster than the punch at a high school prom. The Barone's took intrusiveness to a whole other level. They not only went in and out of Raymond's house whenever they pleased, but their thoughts and voices had no volume control or V-chip. They, particularly Debra, said the most mean, self-serving things at the worst possible times and coated it with the syrupiness of love as an excuse for saying it. If these were my parents, I wouldn't just let these people live across the street from me. I wouldn't even let them live across the state from me.

9. Jerry Helper from The Dick Van Dyke Show – Deep down, he's a nice guy and he's fun to have around. But when given the opportunity, he can turn that neighborly streak into a chance for some self-serving entertainment who dishes out unnecessary pain that only gives him a schedenfreude boner. Would you expect anything less from a dentist?