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TV 101: An open letter to TV executives about why you should stop worrying and learn to love PIRACY

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Oh, you went as me for Halloween? How creative.Hey TV executives, it's me your good pal Jay Black. Maybe you remember me from my one man "Bring Back ALF" letter-writing campaign? If not, that's okay. I'm just happy that we're talking like this and not through Yvonne Strahovski's lawyers like last time.

As you can probably tell, I spend a lot of time thinking about you guys and your tough job of coming up with so many creative shows. I don't envy your having to sort through pile after pile of successful European reality shows trying to find one uncomplicated enough for American audiences. I don't know how you do it!

I'll be honest with you, I'm worried about the future of your industry. I know you're worried too. You think that if you don't act fast to counter all those people pirating your content that you'll wind up like your good buddies over in the music industry. I don't want that to happen to you, so that's why I'm writing this letter: TV, you can save yourself if you don't fight piracy, but rather embrace it.

Listen, we all know that pirating any copyrighted piece of entertainment is technically stealing. Just like online pornography is technically cheating on your wife and doing 75 MPH in a 65 zone is technically putting other people's lives in danger.

The problem is that none of those things feel illegal, at least not in the same way punching a puppy does. If you see someone punching a puppy, you feel compelled to do something about it; if you see someone downloading a TV show, you feel compelled to make popcorn. No amount of clever PSAs is ever going to change that.

What's worse for you as TV executives is that people became conditioned to stealing music first. A lot of people don't view stealing music as a crime at all, on any level. Because, for as much as Lars Ulrich wants to complain that illegally downloading the new Metallica CD is worse than Pearl Harbor, Dresden, Nagasaki, and Kath and Kim all put together, Metallica can still make money from its live touring.

People are coming out of this music-stealing mindset, then, blinded to the fact that TV has no other revenue streams. No one is going to go see Two and a Half Men on Ice! A pirated show, because it's almost always without commercials and almost never counted in official viewership numbers, earns you nothing, no matter how many people watch it.

Sadly, because the philosophy on downloading was shaped by the music industry, it won't be long before illegally downloaded TV shows become as commonplace as illegally downloaded music. The current situation is like a skinny Oprah: it's only a matter of time before the whole thing blows up.

TV Executives, here's what not to do: don't panic. Don't form an anti-piracy wing like the RIAA and start suing housewives who were just trying to catch up on the Grey's that they missed. Don't start making lame-ass PSAs using TV stars to try to make us feel like criminals.

Don't do any of those things. Piracy is not to be feared, it's to be embraced.

See, because what do you care when or how people watch a show, so long as you're getting your eyeballs on the right set of ads? I mean, between you and me, it's never been about the art, right? No one is making Double Shot of Love because they have a burning desire to tell the story of a pair of bisexual twins who are trying to find love, it's because, to quote Kiekegaard, "boobs + bisexual = $$$"

Thus, it becomes clear what you need to do to ensure that the revenue keeps flowing while still embracing the reality that people are going to steal your content:

1. You need to change the way Nielsen does its ratings. People don't gather 'round the TV at the scheduled time of their favorite shows anymore. They time-shift, they place-shift, and they porn-shift (that's when you watch something on your computer other than pornography; rare, but I'm told it happens)

Since you're going to be embracing non-traditional viewing, Neilsen needs to update its methodology to make sure that every form of viewing, from TiVo to Hulu to LimeWire is accurately counted. Abritron, the people who measure radio ratings, just unveiled Personal People Meters that attach to a person and figure out what they've listened to all day. Why can't TV have the same thing?

Pressure Nielsen into doing this. If you can't think of a good way to do it, contact me. My wife's family is Italian and they have some friends who might be able to look into the situation, if you catch my meaning.

2. You need to give your product away. Hulu is a good step in this direction, but I would go further: make every single show you produce a) downloadable and b) immediately available (and in high quality!) online the same second it broadcasts on traditional TV. You don't have to serve it -- that's a lot of bandwith -- just release it into the wild and let the P2P networks handle it for you.

Now, you might be having a heart attack right now. Don't. The reason why you do this is simple: because it allows you to keep the commercials intact. Since people will trust an official file over, say something uploaded by SCROTUMWRANGLER1138, the majority of the people will be watching your feed, and your feed will have commercials (and thus, be making money for you).

3. That said, you need to understand that the old commercial paradigm -- 2 commercial breaks of 3 minutes a piece every half hour -- is as dead as Michael Richards' career. Anything more than one 30 second commercial per half hour (and really, 15 seconds is the ideal) and people are going to start looking elsewhere.

4. You can make up for this loss in commercial time by fully integrating your commercials into the content. Product placement is only the tip of the iceberg. Go further than that. It shouldn't be NBC presents The Office, it should be Sunoco Presents The Office. Sell the whole show! Hell it worked for The Texaco Star Theater, why wouldn't it work today?

Further, try to make the sales-pitch part of the entertainment. Jimmy Kimmel Live is currently doing this with their Klondike Bar ads. Because Kimmel is involved and because the ads are funny and because it's hard to tell where the show ends and the pitch begins, people are much more likely to watch them.

Don't just present shows with commercials grafted onto them as an afterthought; this is only a temptation for the computer savvy to strip those commercials out. Create shows with commercials organically woven into them so that the revenue stream is intrinsic to the entertainment. Then, it doesn't matter who distributes that entertainment, because it makes money for you no matter what.

(And don't worry about people grumbling that this is "selling out" or "compromising the art." You're TV for chrissake, compromising the art is the art.)

I know this is hard for you to accept. After all, the current distribution system has been a winner for you for 70 years. But the days of a monolithic TV empire controlling when a person watches a show and how many commercials that person will see during the course of it are long gone.

Every time you want to exercise that old control, remember what Princess Leia said to Grand Moff Tarkin: The more you tighten your grip ... the more star systems will slip through your fingers.

Tarkin, of course, didn't listen, and wound up as vaporized dust orbiting Yavin. So, you know, think about it.

If anyone else has ideas about how the TV industry can make money via piracy, please add them in the comments!

Jay Black is a comedian and writer best known for his pioneering work in adapting Blu-Ray to the laser-hair removal industry. You can catch one of Jay's live shows by visiting www.jayblackcomedy.com.

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