I was reading Brad's post about bad superhero shows, and the site he linked to picked the Cathy Lee Crosby version of Wonder Woman, which I think is silly. It was much better than the Lynda Carter version and was smart enough to use an instrumental theme song, not one with lyrics. When you try to put lyrics to a superhero show theme song, the results are usually very bad.
Here are my choices for five horrible lyrics from TV theme songs. I'm not saying these are the worst. Maybe this could be a regular feature. There are so many to choose from, but these really stand out. (I did a similar post a couple of years ago, but it was strictly bizarre lyrics, not necessarily "bad" ones. The list needs to be updated, especially since I didn't include the number one choice.)
1. "In your satin tights/Fighting for your rights." (Wonder Woman). Yeah, Lynda Carter was hot and everything, but there's no excusing this abomination of a lyric. I mean, it's beyond camp, and makes me think that whoever thought of it was trying to think of something to rhyme with "rights" (since Wonder Woman was a patriotic heroine) and said to himself, "hey, she wears tights! And it rhymes!" The whole line is "In your satin tights/fighting for your rights/and the old red, white, and bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuue! Get us out from under/Wonder Woman!"
It was close, picking this line. I could have picked "Make a hawk a dove/stop a war with love/make a liar tell the truth!"
2. "I want/I want/I want Charles in Charge of me." (Charles in Charge). Jesus. This is one of the more creepy TV theme songs, with a girl singing about how "there's a new boy in the neighborhood" and he's "in charge of our days and our nights" and "that other girl totally lied when she said he attacked her." OK, that last line isn't in the song, but it very well could have been. Hey, Scott Baio factors in two of these five picks! I haven't heard the theme song to his reality show.
3. "She's fantastic/Made of plastic/Microchips here and there/She's a small wonder/Brings love and laughter everywhere." (Small Wonder). OK, so she's a little girl robot, and the songwriter must have thought...microchips! She must have microchips, right? And they're everywhere! This show is on the worst list of many people, and every time I see the opening below I think it looks like a satire of a TV show opening and theme song.
4. "You look at me/And suddenly I'm captured in your eyes." (Joanie Loves Chachi). Hey, from strictly a physical standpoint, you can't argue with that line. When a person looks at another person, they are indeed captured in their eyes. So I'll give the song credit for being scientifically accurate. But my God, the line is like something out of a bad romance novel (or the American Idol songwriting contest). Take a look at the opening below (it starts around 5:40). It's truly one of the worst openings ever, more suitable for a beauty pageant or maybe a tampon commercial.
5. "Is he strong?/Listen, bud/He's got radioactive blood." (Spider-Man). They had to get the "radioactive blood" part in there, so they went with "bud?" OK, it was the '60s, but still. The lyrics also say that to Spider-Man, "life is a great big bang up." What exactly does this mean?
Five other TV shows where Sarah Palin should appear
Brought To You By ... - VIDEOS
Giveaway Monday: How I Met Your Mother season three DVD
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
6-03-2008 @ 2:50PM
Victor Agreda, Jr. said...
Small Wonder also has the distinction of being one of the worst shows ever, IMHO.
The Spidey theme works well when the Ramones sing it, however.
Runner-up has to go to the (thankfully) unused Star Trek lyrics:
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/trek.asp
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 7:13PM
The Deej said...
Michael buble does a kickin version as well
6-03-2008 @ 2:59PM
David said...
Did you know there were actually lyrics to the theme from "Mission: Impossible"?
"Fly away / Disappear / I'll be there / Waiting"...
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 3:02PM
Astin said...
The old Hulk cartoon lyrics are about 1 million times worse than the Spider-Man ones.
Doc Bruce Banner,
Belted by gamma rays,
Turned into the Hulk.
Ain’t he unglamo-rays!
Wreckin’ the town
With the power of a bull,
Ain’t no monster clown
Who is that lovable?
As ever-lovin’ Hulk!
Hulk! Hulk!
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 3:20PM
nattyff said...
i actually liked small wonder when i was a kid... know i'm blushing!!! LOL
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 4:06PM
lucyfan62 said...
That's okay. I like the Wonder Woman song just because of the goofy lyrics - "Get us out from under/ Womder Woman" just sounds funny - and hyperactive backup singers really sell it. I think it's much better than the nearly all-instrumental season three music.
6-03-2008 @ 4:40PM
deebopalula said...
I was listening to Z100 (NYC) radio station the other day and they played the theme song from "That Girl". HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Diamonds, Daisies, Snowflakes,
That Girl
Chestnuts, Rainbows, Springtime...
Is That Girl
She's tinsel on a tree...
She's everything that every girl should be!
Sable, Popcorn, White Wine,
That Girl
Gingham, Bluebirds, Broadway...
Is That Girl
Wonder what they would have changed "sable" and "white wine" to in order to be pc and responsible in this era.
Oh how I long to be tinsel on a tree........
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 4:43PM
whoosh said...
Although this isn't a T.V. theme song, I like the commercial about the gold fish shaped crackers that went
"The happy snack, that smiles back,
Until you bite their heads off."
Poetry and sickness all in one.
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 4:46PM
deebopalula said...
Re: Spiderman lyrics -- There's not a lot that rhymes with blood. Like a cow chewing cud? This guy's no ordinary dud? Better than Elmer Fudd? Wishes he were Ashley Judd? Likes to play around in mud? ;-)
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 5:39PM
Mike Doran said...
That SPIDER MAN lyric is by Paul Francis Webster, who also wrote the best TV-theme lyric... MAVERICK. Just to be fair...
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 5:48PM
Jake said...
I nominate this one:
"Batman...Batman...Batman, Batman, Batman. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba, Batman!"
I may have left out a ba.
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 7:01PM
Chadarius said...
Are you kidding me? Everyone knows the Spider-man theme song. Sure, its not exactly a John Williams orchestration but for a kids cartoon it was pretty awesome. Its right up there with Speed Racer.
Wonder Woman... I can't fault anything with that show ever. It didn't matter if the song was corny. Linda Carter was HOT! Heck she still is.
Mash has one of the best theme songs ever, and that one has lyrics too. They just didn't use it for the show. "Cause suicide is painless. It bring on many changes. And you can do the same thing if you please". Very uplifting eh?
I vote that you take off the great and memorable Spider-man and replace it with "The Facts of Life" hunk of crap song. Or how about replacing it with the theme song from "Specterman"? That was pretty horrible.
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 8:55PM
Vincent J. Murphy said...
Here's the Buck Rogers theme: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ijQ8m9citaQ
Star Trek also had lyrics. Apparently, it was common for the producer of the show to write lyrics so that they got some portion of the royalties for the music or some such crap.
Reply
6-04-2008 @ 12:14PM
Ganesh said...
Vincent,
wow! it's been awhile since i laughed as hard as i did for the buck roger's opening! HILARIOUS! and thanks.
6-03-2008 @ 9:46PM
Anita said...
What?! These are the BEST theme songs!!! I loved these growing up! :)
Reply
6-03-2008 @ 10:46PM
Jojee said...
I loved it....but ridiculous!
When you find youself in danger,
When you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin', (puk, puk, puk)
There is someone waiting,
Who will hurry up and rescue you,
Just Call for Super Chicken! (puk, ack!)
Fred, if you're afraid you'll have to overlook it,
Besides you knew the job was dangerous when you took it (puk, ack!)
He will drink his super sauce
And throw the bad guys for a loss
And he will bring them in alive and kickin' (puk, puk, puk)
There is one thing you should learn
When there is no one else to turn to
Call for Super Chicken! (puk, puk, puk)
Call for Super Chicken! (puk, ack!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKss2pBYQ6Y
Reply
6-04-2008 @ 7:56AM
Argus said...
I'm sorry but you can't say that a TV show like Spiderman or Batman has bad lyrics when they're both camp. That's like saying a B-Movie sucks because its a B-Movie. They're supposed to be like that.
Reply
6-04-2008 @ 9:28AM
Jennifer said...
Did u not watch these shows? They were campy (especially when u watch them as adults), but that's what makes them funny. They're supposed to have campy lyrics. Jeez!
Reply
6-05-2008 @ 1:43AM
LarryD said...
I didn't like Cathy Lee's movie, I didn't read the WW comic book, but I am aware of her powers and abilities and I didn't see any of that in the movie. I wondered if the people working on the movie even read any of the WW comic books.
Reply