TVSquad

It's become a Tuesday night staple in this country. We all pop some corn, snuggle into our afghan blankets and huddle en masse around our tubages of boobages just to watch the litany of lyrical losers parading across our flashing screens. We cheer early on as they rant and roar, calling foul and blaming the judges and camera crews for the fact that they just plain suck. And we eat it up like candy.

But once it all settles down and we're left with only those singers with real talent, where can we go for our weekly dose of crazy? Yes, this is something that is an important part of the American Idol experience. The producers aren't stupid. They know that once the crazy contestants are flushed away they risk the chance of losing the 'slow down to look at an accident and I better see a body if I had to sit in traffic for more than ten minutes for this or at least a severed limb' crowd. And that, my friends, is why I bring you 'Exhibit A': Ms. Paula Abdul.

So now we have Paula rambling on after each contestant about puppies and sunshine and Care Bears and touchdowns. But what does it all mean? Is she just a raving lunatic or is there real critique in that thar "crazy-talk." I believe there is, and furthermore, if you can understand what she's saying, Paula actually does offer advice and critiques to the contestants. You just need to understand her language.

So, after nearly seven full seasons of this, I've prepared a handy dictionary so that you can follow along at home and appreciate the brilliant critiques that the most misunderstood judge on the panel offers. Please note this is a work in progress, so feel free to add any translations I may have missed.

Paula: You know I'm a huge fan of yours.
English: Wow am I disappointed in this performance. I thought you could sing, what the hell just happened?

Paula: I'm just so proud of you.
English: You didn't trip or forget your lyrics. Good for you!

Paula: Touchdown!
English: That was a really good performance.

Paula: You stayed true to yourself.
English: Well that was the same old crap you give us every week.

Paula: You look amazing/beautiful tonight.
English: Well at least you look a helluva lot better than you sing. Maybe that'll get you some votes.

Paula: It was a little pitchy in places, but I still love you.
English: Please don't hate me.

Paula: You're all just so talented and amazing.
English: You didn't do anything to make yourself stand out, in fact I've already forgotten that you just performed.

Paula: I'm sorry, it wasn't great for me.
English: Oh my god! I just threw up a little in my mouth from your singing. What the f---!

Paula: This is just the beginning of your career.
English: I hear the McDonald's down the street is hiring.

Paula: I just want to squeeze you, pinch your head off, and dangle it from my car's rear view mirror.
English: What does a girl have to do to get a refill around here? This Coke cup's not gonna refill itself!