(S10E09) Now, I don't want to come off as too harsh or insensitive, but if Dominique is the first thing I see when an episode of America's Next Top Model begins, I usually do a double take to make sure I didn't accidentally hit play on my Gremlins 2 DVD.
Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I say Dominique's eyes be holding no beauty.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I say Domique's windows have vacancy signs tacked on the panes.
Some say an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I say, I would gladly gouge out both of my eyes with a worn tooth if I have to look at her just a week longer.
Am I being too hard on her? Of course I am. She's a girl on a reality modeling competition. If I took this as seriously as I lead on, I'd need to do a serious reevaluation of my life.
Despite that, this is an opinionated recap of the show, and I'll be damned if I don't occasionally throw in some scathing opinions, plus you guys seem to like it when I'm hateful. Shame on you.
Anyhow, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a more vile creature has ever made it this far into a cycle. Top Model Darwinism usually kicks in long before this point and the beast has typically eliminated herself, no?
So what's her secret? Dumb luck? Pact with the devil? Does she have a sex tape of Tyra she's threatening to sell to TMZ?
None of the above. I totally know what's going on here. Picture if you will:
First Scene
Camera pans to a body on a pile of crumpled white sheets. It's Dominique, she's just waking up, and she looks like...well like Dominique. We get a montage of shots as Dominique diligently applies various CoverGirl products to her face. Next, we get a shot of Dominique in the mirror looking semi-hot (assuming this is possible).
Cut To
CoverGirl's new product tagline sprawled across the screen:
CoverGirl - The Miracle Collection
End Scene
It's a CoverGirl conspiracy. It has to be. I'm pretty sure I'm on to something here.
The best part about that whole tangent is I haven't even watched a second of the show yet. For all I know, Dominique goes home tonight. My hunch is that since I said some pretty rancid things, she'll be protected yet again this week. If she knew how much I disliked her, she'd probably be thrilled.
Shall I shut up now so we find out what actually happened?
Before that, I keep forgetting to mention that the remixed intro this season is top notch and I'm not being an smart ass. It's well shot, I like the colors, I like the slower pace, and I like the scenes they use of the girls. I can't believe no one has mentioned that in the comments yet. You're slacking.
The first thing we learned this episode is that Fatima is in the country on a green card and she lost her travel documents in Atlanta. I'm not really sure what any of that means but I'm guessing if someone goes Schindler's List on her, and asks to see her papers, there's a good chance she may be deported. This may be the best start to an episode all season.
Next, Paulina made a surprise visit to the house and did a little role-playing with the girls. She pretended that she was some uppity figure in the industry and the girls had to come up and introduce themselves. She also played an interviewer and used an empty water bottle as a microphone during faux interviews with the girls. Not much really interesting to say about this sequence other than it was nice to see Paulina make an appearance this season outside of panel. Every time I see Paulina, I hope that she's going to bring the pain like she did in episode one when she flat out told Dominique that she was "a little on the draggy side." It hasn't quite happened yet.
All of the practice was preparing the girls for a green carpet Jay Godfrey event hosted by 7-Up. They had to spend some time on the carpet being photographed and interviewed by some blonde lady representing The Insider. Outside of stumbling on a few words, Dominique referring to Jay Godfrey and "Jay Georgeau," and Whitney wearing an intimately cut blue Hefty cinch sack, the carpet portion of this went off without a hitch.
For the remainder of the evening the girls got to mingle with quasi celebrities including April from cycle 2 and the Taco Bell dog from cycle 8. I was also extremely upset when I got a look at Paulina's sad sack of a recording artist husband. The guy looked perfectly ordinary yet gets to sleep with a supermodel every night. I, on the other hand look perfectly ordinary, and on a good night, my cat will curl up next to me at the foot of my bed. I think I took a wrong turn somewhere through life.
Anya and her peculiar accent won the challenge, and she was rewarded with a 7-Up photoshoot and $10,000 in a cold hard check. Is it just me or is Anya kind of a silent assassin this season? When I'm going through the girls in my head, I never think of her, yet this is the second challenge she's won this cycle. I personally don't think she's going to make it any further than the commercial shoot, but I thought the same of Cha Cha and look what happened to her. Apparently, articulation is not a very important trait in this industry.
The girls got some Tyra mail that alluded to them going abroad. They excitedly packed there bags and brought them to the airport. As it turns out, the girls didn't actually go anywhere tonight. The luggage they brought along was going to be a prop in a travel inspired group photoshoot.
Fatima let Jay know she was going to miss the shoot since she had an appointment about her papers. Jay brought up a good point when he mentioned that Fatima waited way too long to go get this issue taken care of. The lonely tear that rolled down Fatima's cheek during this sequence has become my new favorite moment of this cycle...
...and then my own little sad tear rolled down my cheek when I discovered Fatima got her papers. You all have no idea how much I hate this show right now...
..but then I started loving it again because immediately after the photoshoot (which Fatima didn't make it back to, HAHAHAHAH), the girls walked into an airplane hangar and were shocked to see that panel was about to take place.
Order of the photos:
Anya
Lauren
Dominique
Katarzyna
Whitney
This left Stacy-Ann and Fatima who didn't even take a picture. It didn't matter. Stacy-Ann was sent home and Fatima made it through. Wow! Losing to someone who didn't even take a picture?! Can we go ahead and rank this as the worst possible way you could get eliminated from a Top Model cycle? What would that do to a person's self-esteem? Did she even make it to the flight that that was going to take her home or did she just go lay on the runway like I would have done?
I lied. After panel, the girls did go abroad. They're headed to Rome.
Finally, I'm going to have to chop my fingers off after typing this, but Dominique took a great picture this week which basically flew in the face of all the wretched things I typed about her at the beginning of this piece of crap recap.
Once again, I prove that I have no business writing this thing. I may have to find a replacement anyhow. It's going to be tough pecking this out with these nubs not to mention these gouged out eyes from a worn tooth. I'm back to hating this show.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
4-17-2008 @ 1:16AM
BigTed said...
Can anyone actually believe that no one on the show knew that Fatima was having a problem with her papers? Or that she just happened to have found a lawyer on her own? Or that it was just a huge coincidence when she made it back from her appointment too late to be in the photo shoot, but just in time to get on the plane?
I did like it when wealthy, powerful Tyra lectured the poor foreign girl at the mercy of a government agency that she should "be more responsible," though. That was hilarious!
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4-17-2008 @ 4:03PM
tpp said...
"I did like it when wealthy, powerful Tyra lectured the poor foreign girl at the mercy of a government agency that she should "be more responsible," though. That was hilarious!"
No doubt. What a bitch. And I'm not talking about the refugee girl.
4-17-2008 @ 1:23AM
Bach said...
Isn't it weird that whenever Anya wins a challenge she ends up having to pose nude?
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4-17-2008 @ 3:05AM
Ben R said...
did anyone notice how big of a bitch tyra was?
i would have loved to slap the shit out of here. she came off as a pompous, arrogant big bitch. she had to have known about the whole fatima dilema. come on, its her fucking show, and she was an extremely unpleasant person. not to say that dumb idoit fatima didnt deserve to be chewed out, i loved it. but who seriously goes on an international show, without 'documents' and times an appointment eight weeks in, on the day of the photo shoot.
powers that be, great editing
when stacy-ann got voted off, there wasnt a bit of surprise, she looks like she stuck her finger in a socket which also raised her voice an octave higher as well as destroyed a couple hundred brain cells... but what a way to go! i was totally cheering for her to just slap the shit out of tyra. i would have found her and kissed her.
i just cant believe how horrible the panel was. these may be braindead models (well not all are, but im not going to jinx anything either) but they are girls who are vying for their dreams, and to treat them horribly? tyra, you arent god, or oprah. get over yourself. or give the show to paulina, it seems shes got the spunk you lost oh so many seasons ago
...no wonder adrienne hated your guts
i cant wait for the abroad episodes, but i can see it now, whitney butting heads with fatiminique, anya gets a real modeling job, lauren walks off a bridge... and theres another one going????
oh and maybe tyra finally collapses in on herself
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4-17-2008 @ 5:04AM
Patrick said...
Thank you double J... for doing the Lord's work here and giving us the ANTM recap. Unfortunately I had to miss most of it as my beloved Pittssburgh Penguins were on opposite tonight and well... IT's THE FREAKIN' PLAYOFFS so BITE ME!
As to Dominique... why do I keep getting this 'Heath Ledger like" image of a girl/man putting make-up on and repeating in a cigerettey/raspy voice...
"Easy-Breezy Cover Girls... Beotches!"
I can't wait to see this program re-run on MTV with the title -- "The Girl who lost to the Girl who didn't have a picture" -- Ouch!
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4-17-2008 @ 7:50AM
Jamie said...
No mention of Lauren chopping her finger off?!?!?!?! And you say WE'RE slacking. I'm disappointed in you JJ.
Just kidding. Great review.
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4-17-2008 @ 9:05AM
JJ said...
Touché Jamie. You're right, I failed to mention Lauren's thumb hacking. I took a picture of it and everything, just completely forgot to mention it.
4-17-2008 @ 8:39AM
Gordy said...
Tyra is awesome...haters.
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4-17-2008 @ 8:51AM
laura said...
Dominique-my husband looked at her last night and said "the girl looks like she put her face right into a vat of hot oil" and i think he got it right! I dont understand why she is still there, other than the ANTM peeps need the fug factor there to make tyra look good.
Fatima- Or "the teeth" as i call her, does she have any bottom teeth? and are they just as white and oddly huge for her mouth as her top shelf? the whole "i lost my papers" thing couldnt have been more planned out by the producers, and why did it take her so long to get back, she was at the airport at 8, had her meeting at 9, got her papers at 12 something and back after 3? didnt make sense.
Stacey Ann- or "the bulldog" as i call her needed to have been weeded out long ago, and to go out next to someone who didnt even take a picture? is cruel. have fun back in Miami, maybe they will make you the official greeter since all you know how to say is "Hi , i am from miami"
Tyra- I can actually see her thinking of clever lines and jabs to say, "the judges panel is flying first class, you girls are going coach.....and we are all going to ROME!!!" you know that took her about 3 weeks to practice
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4-17-2008 @ 8:56AM
rick cokely said...
Respectable drag queens don't buy Cover Girl because it doesn't cover guys (they buy MAC); maybe having Dominique as a spokes model is Cover Girl's way of courting drag queens back?
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4-17-2008 @ 9:41AM
Sarah said...
JJ, i was just thinking last night about how great the opening sequence is. i even rewound it to watch a second time. you beat me to it, and now i feel bad.
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4-17-2008 @ 9:43AM
SpaceVenus said...
I thought Anya won the challenge in part, because she had the prettiest dress on. Whitney's was very unflattering - why put a plus-size girl into that shiny fabric? That's just cruel.
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4-17-2008 @ 10:28AM
cdawg said...
totally agree with each and every one of you. especially putting whitney in that hideousness of a dress!!! I think Whitney could be my best friend who I'd constantly get in fights with because she's so into herself.... does that make any sense?
Poor Stacy Ann, she was certainly fun and adorable, but not a great model. Fats is too skinny to be a role model, and while she did take better pictures than Stacy-Ann, she's a tool and Tyra should have probably dropped them both.
I think Top Model would TOTALLY Benefit from Paulina's more constant presence... I live for that woman!
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4-17-2008 @ 10:28AM
cdawg said...
by the way JJ, this was your best recap yet!
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4-17-2008 @ 10:35AM
I miss my stars! said...
Whitney was given the ugliest dress, no doubt. That cut and style of dress is suited to a body frame like Fatima - e.g. no tits, no hips and tall. Whitney would have looked 100% better in the dress Domi-drag was wearing with the waist cinched high and free flowing. But you know what? Girlfriend has the confidence to wear it and good for her!
Lauren looks like a modern day Lauren Bacall, but gawd knows she doesn't have a fraction of the screen maven's class or charm. Swearing at a red carpet interview? How sleazy. Remember Lauren, you are competing to be America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Top Skank (that's a different show.)
I can't wait for the Cover Girl commerical. Listening to Anya and Lauren recite their lines should be the best entertainment this cycle has to offer. Have they ever determined why Anya speaks the way she does? Are her parents Dutch nationals? I've met many people from Hawaii - I've never heard anything like that. (I'll feel really crappy if it turns out she is hearing impaired, but I think they would have been milking her disability if that was the case.) Come to think of it - is there a contestant with a disability this time around? Tyra has gone out of her way to include one in each cycle: the girl with Chron's; one was legally blind and most recently Heather and her ausberger's.
Whitney is my fave, but I know Tyra won't let the "fat" girl win (if only I could be fat like that - jeez) . Katarzyna is my next pick because she seems to have the most class, but she need to pick it up. The Drama queens are casting long shadows and she needs to step out and shine!
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4-17-2008 @ 11:37AM
laura said...
I miss my stars:
the "disability" this season is fatima and her "genital mutilation" issue. although since the first two episodes we havent heard much about it.
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4-17-2008 @ 1:16PM
I miss my stars! said...
That's right, Laura, thanks! Although I can't see genital mutilation being a disability in the same way blindness or Chron's is. Not to be disrespectful to those that have been mutilated that way, but it is not something that would prevent a person from completing a job.
4-17-2008 @ 1:13PM
anthony graham said...
and tell your juge to stop acting likeing like that and the gayone
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4-17-2008 @ 3:02PM
I miss my stars! said...
huh?
4-17-2008 @ 1:51PM
jessie said...
That was by far the best recap I have read on this website - I loved it! Show is good this season, Miss J's Dominique drag voice was totally hilarious. I love him and Paulina too!
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