(S10E07) I cracked open my laptop and stared blankly at the screen for a good 30 minutes trying to muster up the will to write four to five paragraphs that ranted and raved about how much I love Fatimanique.
Nothing came to me, so I cracked open a bible hoping that the good book would remove the hate from my heart, and grant me the ability to look past their demonic facades and love them like normal human beings should be loved.
It didn't work, so I cracked open a Stella Artois hoping that some Belgium malt liquor would provide me with the liquid strength necessary to force my mind into pretending I gave a crap about these two medieval gargoyles.
Again, it failed to work...
Finally, instead of cracking open another random object, I just decided to smoke some crack hoping that inhaling mind-altering chemicals from a glass pipe would provide me with the twisted state of mind required to pretend some broke-down tranny and a beat-up Iman impersonator had what it takes to win this competition. 
Although I ended up really, really, really loving the crack, it didn't have the desired result. After several readings of John 4:9, 3 beers, and A LOT of crack, I continue to despise these two girls more than any other girl in America's Next Top Model history.
As a result, operation "reverse-Top-Model-psychology" has come to an abrupt halt since my body has rejected every attempt to jinx these girls off the show by rooting for them. It's a shame too because it was a brilliant plan that totally would have worked if I had the testicular fortitude to see it through.
Hopefully, some of you readers can continue the cause, smoke your own crack, and write-up posts full of goodwill to these two on your personal blogs. If not, one of these two biotches is going to win the show, and CoverGirl is going to go out of business because they had Jaslene and Dominique or Fatima representing their brand within a three year period. I'm pretty sure no company is going to be able to survive something as devastating as that.
Moving on, the girls broke into two teams, got a GPS enabled cell phone, and had to navigate their way around New York City to try and book gigs with various modeling agencies.
Team 1: Stacy-Ann, Dominique, Claire, and Whitney
Team 2: Lauren, Anya, Katarzyna, and Fatima
The first thing I noticed was how lopsided these teams were. As much as I hate Dominique, she has a pretty decent model walk and a good demeanor when it comes to meeting people (as fake as it may be). With the exception of Kat, Team 2 was pretty much a disaster as far as personality and model walk goes.
I mean, Lauren openly admitted that she walks like Lurch. If you go into something thinking you're going to suck, there's a 100% chance that you're going to suck at it. Lauren--I love the girl, but she may as well tattoo the word Dyson on her forehead.
As suspected, Team 1 ran away with the competition and Stacy-Ann booked the most jobs which was a big reason for their win. The winners got to be in some fancy Seventeen Magazine photo shoot that had to do with summer or something.
If I'm being completely honest, I've considered subscribing to this magazine just so I can see what some of these photo spreads end up looking like. Unfortunately, I'm not going to do it because subscribing to a magazine called Seventeen would make me feel pervish and dirty all over. Couldn't they call the magazine Eighteen or something? Better yet, couldn't they call it Barely Legal? Oh wait, I already subscribe to Barely Legal...Different genre of magazine.
Tonight's photo shoot was actually kind of different. Not different in a bad way like hanging cuts of meat all over the body (which I still think was one of the worst concepts of all time). Tonight, the girls were shot beneath a transparent mylar sheet covered in water sans makeup and sans hair being did.
Claire was the first girl on the giant slip and slide, and unfortunately, she pretty much concussed herself while face planting on the mylar sheet. The picture above doesn't really do this sequence justice. Her head bounced a full foot above the water. I probably would have laughed a little if I didn't like her. Ouch. Instead, I just cursed because Dominique or Fatima weren't the first to dive into the water.
Before Kat made her way onto the mylar, she was the recipient of a haircut since Tyra ended up liking her hair so much last week. As usual, she killed the shoot and looked gorgeous in the water. Oh why oh why didn't they stick her in a white dress?
All the girls looked pretty sexy during the shoot. Well, all the girls except Lauren who blew bubbles out her nose the entire time. She looked like a scuba diver without any scuba gear. The funniest thing was she was in about two inches of water. I thought she was going to drown. Someone please get this girl some swimming lessons.
Before we get into the order of the photos, can we talk about Paulina Porizkova for a split second? She really came out with some fire about 15 minutes into the first episode didn't she? What the hell happened to her after that? She's said about 30 words all season. I was expecting her to really lay into the girls during panel, but she's been pretty tame the entire time. She was a little bit more animated tonight, but as far as I'm concerned, she's no better or worse than Twiggy. What a disappointment. I could care less if they bring her back next season. I just had to get that off of my chest.
The order of the photos:
Fatima - 1st??? What the crap? I hate this show.
Anya
Katarzyna
Whitney
Stacy-Ann
Dominique
This left Claire and Lauren, and tonight, Claire's dream to become a model came to an end. I'm not sure what to say. I'm kind of shocked as I wasn't expecting that at all. Did I say something nice about her in tonight's review--I can't remember?
Oh well, we're at the halfway point which means the dreaded recap show is right around the corner. I hate recapping the recap show. Anyone have any suggestions as to what I should write about instead when that wretched show rears it's nasty head?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
4-02-2008 @ 11:45PM
Candace said...
Did anyone catch what Guest judge Paulina said to Katarzyna? she said something to the effect of, "That weird Eastern European tackiness is now gone..." WHAT!!! I think the editors kept that in there for a reason because they spanned the camera to the other contestants then Katarzyna while cutting the music. I'm not sure if I was the only one to catch this.
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4-04-2008 @ 2:56PM
ABT said...
If I recall correctly, the editors didn't just "keep in" the "Eastern European" comment, they milked it and cut it in a particular way while stopping the music.
My interpretation of the comment was "She looks less 'mail order bride' now." Un-PC I know, but that's what it sounded like to me.
4-02-2008 @ 11:56PM
rachel said...
You can talk about Saleisha's craptastic spots for Cover Girl, instead. And recap her hairstyles.
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4-03-2008 @ 12:17AM
BigTed said...
Once again, the main entertainment in this show is watching how deplorably the models are treated. They're given a potentially dangerous assignment -- how gross is that inch-deep swamp of water that everybody's eyes and mouths are rolling around in? -- and when Claire actually gets hurt, all anyone cares about is that she's slowing things down. Then Tyra makes sure to put the blame on her, claiming they were told to be careful getting into the water. (Did anyone actually say that?) And then she kicks Claire out in the end, literally adding insult to injury. Thanks, Tyra! Your concern for the models' well-being is, as always, heartwarming.
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4-03-2008 @ 12:20AM
Cat said...
Well, she did say that she was going to 'slide' into the water, and Jay told her she didn't have to do that, and she did anyway. I can't remember if he actually said "don't" or just told her she didn't have to.
4-03-2008 @ 12:40AM
Bach said...
JJ is back!
Loved the crack and cracking references as well as the bit about Seventeen.
And was I the only person CONVINCED that Lauren was going home tonight?
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4-03-2008 @ 1:32AM
Phish said...
ahh stella, my fav beer!
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4-03-2008 @ 4:04AM
ewhfla said...
Are we sure that it isn't Janice Dickinson who wrote all the comments? Oy!!! It was very caustic. Is she jealous that someone else has taken her place on the panel???
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4-03-2008 @ 5:28AM
Patrick said...
Woooah Double J... snarkyness level 10 achieved!
Dude... you done brung it... why if you were a cheerleader movie you'd be "Brung it On Again Part 4" (not that you or I'd own up to watching a movie about 17-18 year old cheerleaders fighting over some stupid award... meooow scratch/scratch)
My thoughts --
Yes Candace I too caught Paulina's East European comment... that really hit home since my dad dumped my mom for some 18 year old Russian bride... but did you happen to catch the shot of Dominique from the side? She's totally missing a tooth on her top right side... that's when it hit me... I know her/him. Dominique is actually Donald LaPierre, a former right winger for the Detroit Red Wings.
And how about Paulina's "Frankenstein" comment? Ya think? Hey Lauren... "Hmmmm... fire gooood!"
I'd look better walking in a pair of stelleto heels then... ummm... wait... I think I'm just going to catwalk my way back out of that last statement... me in heels... not a pretty sight.
And how'zbout Stacey-Ann in her Aunt Jamina Doo rag? I though she was going to channel Prissy/Butterfly McQueen and say "I don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies."
As far as Claire... can you spell 'Law suit'? (Okay I just did) Tyra had to get her "You were warned not to dive head first" on camera. Somebody get Omerosa on the phone. Truthfully... she didn't deserve to go but I'm glad she's gone. I haven't liked her since the first show when she said she wanted to use her modeling career to warn about Global Warming. Ummmm... exactly what giant size carbon foot print do you think a super model makes jetting from continent to continent? Duh!
Lastly -- Whitney in a WET white dress *Happy Place*
The only way that shoot could have been better would have been to add a couple packets of jello... or chcocalte pudding *Happy Place*
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4-03-2008 @ 8:33AM
I miss my stars! said...
"Anyone have any suggestions as to what I should write about instead when that wretched show rears it's nasty head?"
Do you have the resources to do a "where are they now?" I know Adrienne from the first cycle is reality show addict now, but Yoanna has seemed to fall off the map, as have a couple others.
Either that or perhaps a recap of the most unique and interesting photo shoots of the last few seasons. (They can't all be the nude ones, k?) Some of those shots come out fantastic.
I never watch the mid-season it-wasn't-good-enough-for-the-first-cut-so we'll-through-it-together-in-the-mid-season-do-nothing-show. It won't hurt my feelings if you take a week off.
I agree with Rachel. Could Syleisha be any more boring in those Cover Girl shots? Jaslene's were so bad they were amusing, but Syleisha's are monotone and pathetic.
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4-03-2008 @ 8:36AM
Gordy said...
Good riddance. I hated Claire.
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4-03-2008 @ 10:51AM
Christian said...
JJ, you may remember me being the idiot who favors Dominique and Fatima. Of my favorites one is always eliminated midway, the other one is runner-up.
So in an effort to build you up and give you something to look forward to: Next week should be the week one of the "gargoyles" will be sent home ;-)
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4-03-2008 @ 11:15AM
cdawg said...
Wow... good job JJ, you're almost reaching Rich (fourfour) level with your snarkiness.
While i love love love whitney, her picture (and Anya's) both had weird noses, looking like a pig, or an actual fetus. it was so grossssssssssssss
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4-03-2008 @ 11:18AM
Sissers said...
I think what Claire said was she wanted to SLIDE into the water, and Jay said 'You dont have to do that'. If he gave her a warning, they didnt show it. And remember when the girls first saw those other people splashing and jumping when they first walked in? It probably looked more giving then it actually was. At least to me it did. And wasnt it hilarious when Paulina said Lauren was less "Frankensteiny"!
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4-03-2008 @ 11:44AM
Bas said...
I thought Paulina's comment was kind of funny - because isn't she from an Eastern Europian country originally - I thought she was Chekloslovakian (I'm sure I butchered that spelling). I remember when she first started modeling and she never opened her mouth to smile because she was embarrassed about her teeth. I wish she said more at panel, but I'm sure that there's a lot of editing that goes on to keep the focus on TYRA and not anyone else.
Also, Patrick - hilarious comment on the missing tooth of Dominique.
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4-03-2008 @ 12:43PM
jacquieW said...
I'm not commenting on the correct season (I don't think), but I can't believe the judges on the panel actually believe the fashion industry is important at all in life-they should NEVER act as heartless as they do towards contestants with serious health issues. Health is ALWAYS more important than makeup and ridiculous photo shoots that look absolutely laughable at best. They told one contestant who suffered permanent brain injury that there is no sympathy and she needs to figure out how to fix it. These pieces of work on the panel are not smart enough to be doctors, so why the hell are they saying things like that when they have no clue if anything can be done??? There is no reason why people in the most pointless industry in the world can't be compassionate and understanding while still making her understand things will be a challenge for her. Tyra was the only one who treated the girl like she was human but EVERYONE should be treated like human beings in this worthless industry. So funny, Ms. 'I'm confused about who I am" J sat there wearing his clown outfit being so heartless to this girl-who the hell does he/she think they are making comments like that when he/she needs someone to remind him/her that he/she is more messed up in the head than this poor girl is? Go back to the circus, clown!
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4-03-2008 @ 1:46PM
Sissers said...
Did anyone notice at one of the Go-See's the designer made a comment about Fatima being too thin? And nothing was said to her at Panel? The girl is seriously skin and bones. It makes her look like Skeletor! Would anyone, ANYONE, want to roll around in that dirty 2 inches of water after everyone else did???? Why not take them outside to the nearest mudpuddle. Same thing! Or have them swim the Hudson!
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4-03-2008 @ 2:20PM
Sarah said...
JJ, i am officially mad at you! this "vote for the worst" tactic you developed is not working at all! Fatima was called first (although i'll admit that her photo was great). the entire episode, whenever The Leather Purse was talking, i screamed "go home!" you are going to have to change plans here, cause i could not live if either of them won.
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4-03-2008 @ 3:33PM
Sorceressss said...
"The winners got to be in some fancy Seventeen Magazine photo shoot that had to do with summer or something".
Thats hilarious seeing as Dominique hasn't been 17 for at least 20 years.
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4-03-2008 @ 5:09PM
kidmom3 said...
This week sucked! I can't believe they sent home Claire and kept Lauren! Lauren can't walk, can't pose and has the personality of shredded wheat, when she's not threatening people. She's had some good photos, but otherwise, yuck. And I agree - Paula's comment about the Eastern European tackiness was pretty cruddy too.
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