TVSquad

Unless you've been in a coma over the last week (and if you have, I'm glad you're back) you probably know a little something about the troubles former New York governor Eliot Spitzer has been having. Not to go into to much detail, but it has something to do with an illegal prostitution ring, taking said prostitutes across state lines, and a little bit of money laundering. Hence, the reason he isn't "current" New York governor Eliot Spitzer anymore (at least as of noon on Monday).

To defend himself against these charges, Spitzer has hired a set of pretty powerful lawyers to help him put together a strong defense. But, will these purveyors of truth and justice be the ones who keep Governor Spitzer out of the pokey? I'm thinking not. In fact, I think Spitzer is barking up the wrong tree when it comes to the people who will defend him in court. What he should really be doing is visiting some of the high-profile television law firms that have been able to make a jury bawl in their seats over a serial killer's second amendment rights.

Here are but a few of the TV law firms the former governor should consider.

Gallery: Television Law Firms

Wolfram & Hart (Angel) -- If you want a firm that caters to the lowest of the low, then Wolfram & Hart is the best choice. How can you not pick a firm that weeds out the weakest and most disloyal of employees then cuts their heads off to make sure they don't go anywhere else? Sure, you may need to deal with demons and other evil characters of the netherworld, but, heck, how much lower can you really go when you've been allegedly caught doing the naughty with someone other than your wife while being the governor of one of the biggest states in the U.S.? Of course, you want to make sure that the vampire-with-a-soul named Angel still isn't running the law firm. It seems that he has a dislike for evil and is trying to clean up the firm's act.

Crane, Poole & Schmidt (Boston Legal) -- Denny Crane. Come on, if there is anyone out there who knows about prostitutes and prostitute accessories it is the most senior partner of Crane, Poole & Schmidt. Yes, he's been arrested pretty much every time he has even said hello to a lady of the evening, and Senior Associate Alan Shore has had to haul his fat out of the fire each of those times, but he still knows his prostitutes! Hmm, maybe you should ask for Alan Shore instead. Just stay away from Shirley Schmidt -- she's probably not going to be very sympathetic to your cause.

McKenzie, Brackman, Chaney and Kuzak (L.A. Law) -- Two words: Arnie Becker. Some would call him a lover of women, others would call him a prostitdude. Either way, if you want a man whose heart -- and loins -- burn for your cause, Arnie is the man for your case. He'll make sure that your deposition contains everything that happened, in extremely minute detail. If Arnie is unavailable at the moment, wait it out. Do not accept the services of one Victor Sifuentes: he's one of those Alan Alda-sensitive types who will probably end up siding for the victimized prostitutes. And, whatever you do, don't go with Grace Van Owen -- she'll just rip your twig and berries off and send you away.

Donnell, Young, Dole & Frutt (The Practice) -- Plan B. That's all you need to know if you hire this firm. For the unknowing, Plan B has been utilized by Bobby Donnell, Eugene Young, and the rest of this Boston law firm to create doubt about their client's guilt by accusing a third, usually innocent party of various infractions of the law. So, in Eliot Spitzer's case, I guess the third party would be, you know, his wife or children. If Plan B doesn't work then there's always the 'United States of America defense', which will show the jury how patriotic you are and how your Constitutional rights are being besmirched. In that case, your wife and children are accused of being less patriotic then you. It's a win-win situation.

Wethersby, Posner & Klein (Eli Stone) -- If you happen to chose this San Francisco law firm make sure you ask for Senior Associate Eli Stone. Lately, Eli has been doing some good work for the firm and has made a name for himself around the Bay Area. Frankly, he's a damn good lawyer! And, as long as you can handle his bouts of hallucination (he calls them 'visions'), the fact that he has an inoperable brain aneurysm which could pop at any moment, and the occasional song that may burst out in the middle of his opening remarks, you'll be sure to win.

Cage, Fish and Associates (Ally McBeal) -- So, here's the deal: you can either go with a lawyer who sees dragons, knights, and members of his law firm singing George Michael songs (Eli Stone), or you can go with a lawyer who sees a dancing baby. Since images of young babies that walk and talk before they actually should freaks me out, I say go with the dude who has the visions. Anyway, they do so much fretting about their own personal lives over at Cage, Fish and Associates it's a miracle they get anything done.

Sebben & Sebben (Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law) -- If you hire this firm don't go with Harvey Birdman -- he has more luck than he does skill in the courtroom. The man you want to go with is Phil Ken Sebben. Any man who will drive a tourist bus thousands of miles backwards, while practically blind in the eye that isn't patched, isn't one to back down of a court case. Plus, he has a soothing voice that sounds quite familiar ... almost like Stephen Colbert's. But, nah, it couldn't be!

Finally, the only law firm that Eliot Spitzer should really look at...

Dewey, Cheatem & Howe (Three Stooges) -- 'Nuff said.