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(S09E04) It's another night in the Big Brother 9 house and the house is full of people in various states of unhappiness and discontent. Most prominently, Parker was extremely upset with Jen's antics so he decided to list out the "three steps of destruction by Jen."

A. She held the secret that her and Ryan were dating (then subsequently revealed it to the house).
B. She's cocky to a fault.
C. She's an idiot and he's the one who has to suffer because of her ignorance.

I can't really say that I disagree with any of his points. In fact, I'd probably add a few more items to the list.D. She's a bit of a whiner. Not a cry baby of Amber proportions, but she's done her fair share of turning on the waterworks and there's only been four episodes. I find this incredibly annoying and I'm willing to wager the house guests agree.
E. Ever since her relationship with Ryan came to the surface she's been stuck to his face like she's got the Diabetes and Ryan's tonsil's have got the insulin. No one wants to see you guys make out all day. Get a bathroom or something. Oh wait, they did.

At the same time, Parker isn't exactly playing a flawless game. In fact, I think he's a bit of a hypocrite for making a big deal out of the "secret/snake" thing in the first episode all the while keeping Jen's secret about Ryan. He's also a bit of a hot head and seems to have a compulsory addiction to confronting people about worthless events as witnessed tonight when he blew up at James for a meritless reason.

Basically, I don't think Jen is completely to blame for the two of them being up for eviction. Am I wrong about this?

The first order of business came as a bit of surprise to me and everyone in the house. Neal had some sort of emergency come up, which allowed Joshuah to select one of the evicted house guests to be his new partner. Being that Jacob is a 14-karat-jackass, Sharon was the only logical choice.

I say "good for Sharon." She pretty much got the shaft having been tied to an idiot from day one, so I'm happy she managed to get back into the game, even if it was at Neal's expense. Aside from that, she didn't really do a lot in the house tonight. I'm hoping we'll get to see much more of her later.

Moving on, Amanda gave Parker a back massage and it really, really, really bothered Alex and that really, really, really confused me. Are we in some sort of alternate universe where people start developing strong feelings for one another 15 minutes after meeting? With the exception of Ryan and Jen, how could jealousy be an emotion anyone in the house is feeling at this point? We'll talk about that in more detail in a bit. First we need to have a quick pop quiz.

Question: What's the most embarrassing thing a contestant in the Big Brother house can say?

Answer: No, the answer is not that your nickname is "the hooded warrior," although strangely, that is the second most embarrassing thing a person could say. The first was captured in the subtitle below:



I understand that Jen and Ryan haven't done the deed in a couple of weeks but twenty friggin' seconds? That's got to be some sort of human speed record. I've had sneezing fits that last longer than twenty seconds. Poor, poor Jen.

I don't really have a good segue into what happened next, but I do think it was one of the funniest things that's occurred all season. Ever since the Jen and Ryan thing got out there's definitely been a lot of paranoia regarding what other people have secret relationships.

At some point, James caught wind of Sheila and Allison's "relationship" and that got his big ole brain thinking that there might be some sort of sign in the house that indicates just how many secret relationships there are. That's about when James came across the guinea pig cage and saw this:



To the untrained eye, this may appear to be a guinea pig jungle gym. It's a good thing we have Deputy Dumbass on the case otherwise the Big Brother audience might just have walked around in ignorance for the rest of their lives.

This colorful object is actually a physical representation of the twisted, intertwined lives the house guests are living. Oh, and for some reason each color represents one secret relationship that exists in the house. By his count, there are four secret relationships. Jacob/Sharon, Jen/Ryan, Sheila/Allison, and one that remains to be discovered. (We'll just ignore the fact that there are five colors on the guinea pig jungle gym).

With an Encyclopedia Brown like flair, James shared his epiphany with the other genius in the house (Alex) and he immediately decided that Parker and Amanda were the other couple.

This lead to the sequence I alluded to earlier where Parker confronted James for no real reason. We then got to listen to the most f-bombs I've heard on an episode since Evel Dick was in the house as Alex, James, and Parker yelled at each other for five minutes in the courtyard.

Let me reintroduce you to the cause of all this mayhem:



Am I the only one who thinks this season is off to a really bizarre start?

The Power of Veto Competition - In Sickness in Health

The players:

Parker and Jen
Ryan and Allison
Alex and Amanda
Matt and Natalie

Host: Joshuah

Tonight's PoV competition was simple. One of the couples was secured to a big round wheel with a heart on it. The first couple to hit 300 revolutions while holding on to a red panic button would win the Power of Veto.

There really wasn't a whole lot to it. Allison and Ryan were eliminated early on. Amanda intentionally threw the competition because she didn't want the house to think her and Alex were too powerful. Of course, she didn't consult Alex about this beforehand as he indicated that hoped they'd win so the nominations would stand.

In the end, Matt and Natalie won PoV and since they are in an alliance with Alex and Amanda it's all but certain no one is going to be saved via power of veto tonight.

Power of Veto Ceremony

Before we get to the PoV Ceremony we should probably briefly hit on the all kinds of creepy that is Alex. He kind of reminded me of Billy Baldwin in Sliver when he was spying on Amanda while she was in the kitchen talking to Parker and Natalie. Just look at him in the screencap below.



The reflection on his glasses almost make him look a little demonic. What was all the nonsense he was talking regarding a lack of being physical and how exactly did that relate to not being physical with anyone else in the house? I think he's taking this soulmate thing way too seriously.

The fact that he's already developed feelings for Amanda and is already being devoured by the green-eyed-monster is just bizarre to me. Amanda is right. Alex is just plain creepy. I'm thinking she should go ahead and get a restraining order against him now. I think great lengths should be taken to avoid the first crime of passion/homicide in Big Brother history.

Anyhow, as suspected, Natalie and Matt opted not to use the power of veto much to Parker's chagrin. It looks like the two most annoying people in the house (Sheila withstanding), are going to get the ax.

We'll find out tomorrow. Until then, vote in the poll.