TVSquad

(S09E03) Well, I didn't write up the reviewcap for the last episode, but I still find it mandatory to say that Jacob is an idiot. There's nothing worse than thinking your being cool and "stirring up the house" only to find that you're actually a moron and stirring yourself out of the house.I thought that Jacob and his "snake" fiasco was the stupidest thing a person has done thus far in the Big Brother 9 house.

I was wrong. The stupidest thing was actually done by Jen when she decided to let Parker know that she was dating Ryan. A review of tonight's Big Brother after the jump...

On second thought, maybe the stupidest thing was when Ryan decided to tell Allison that he was dating Jen. Either way stupid is as stupid does, and the secret is what ultimately caused the biggest uproar in the house tonight as we'll see here shortly.

Before that, I have something extremely important to say. Man are Amanda's shorts skimpy. There's half a set of cheeks and almost a couple of other unmentionables poking out from those things at any given time. I'm pretty sure shorts that short are illegal where I reside. (I'm in Oklahoma.) I practically blush every time I see her walking around the house...and then I promptly rewind the DVR, watch her walk around some more, and then blush again. I love this show so much.

Speaking of Amanda's cheeks, when the pictures were revealed on the wall she made it clear that she hated her picture. Now she didn't hate her picture nearly as much as Jen did from last season, but Amanda did go so far as to say that she'd "rather have a picture of her booty up there instead of her face." You and me both Amanda. You and me both.

I say that because Amanda is definitely a "butter face" meaning everything on her is top notch to look at...but her face. Ha! Ha! Ha! (I have to admit I stole that phrase from an episode of Dexter. I'm definitely not clever enough to have thought that up on my own.)

Moving on, Allison threw out an ultimatum very early in the episode where she basically told Jen that she'd tell the house about the secret if Jen was disrespectful to her at any point in the game. Is it me or does Allison seem way too defensive about the Jen and Ryan relationship?

I get that Allison has developed a bit of a crush on Ryan (waaaaaay too early I might add--she's known him like 24 hours), but I think she's letting her little crush cloud her judgment. The way I see it, she's in a secret alliance that no one else in the game knows about. It could very well take her to the end of the game. Why is that a bad thing exactly? Two heads are better than one. By my assessment, that makes four heads better than two.

I understand it prevents her from playing the game the way that she wanted to play it, but who cares? Stuff happens, things change. Get over it and go with the flow. I think her making a big deal about it is going to be a bigger detriment to her game than anything.

Anyhow, is Ryan not in the most tragic position in Big Brother history? Not only does he have to stay loyal to his girlfriend, he has to stay loyal to his pretend girlfriend Allison, who I'm beginning to think is a bit on the insane side. One girl is hard enough to please but two girls? He should probably just tie some weights to his feet and jump into the deep end of the pool AJ Soprano style. He's dead and he doesn't even know it.

At this point we jumped to a sequence where Amanda tells a group of people that her father hung herself when she was 21. He suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, he was bipolar, and he was also depressed. Ouch. He also left her a message on her cellphone that said, "Hey, I'm about to kill myself and couldn't get a hold of you. Thanks." Yikes. Now I feel bad about talking crap about her early in the review.

I've officially instituted moratorium on my typing anything mean about Amanda...for you know, at least an episode or two.

Wow that was a heavy segment to have to endure this early in the season. Let's move on to something with a little more levity.

The First HoH Room Reveal

Just kidding. Despite Amanda and Alex's room being very cheerful and having a Hawaiian theme, that's where the happiness ended.

I'm officially not allowed to talk bad about Alex for a couple of episodes either. He lost his dad during 9/11. Sheesh, what a downer of an episode this has been so far. Amanda also ended up getting a copy of her dad's favorite Al Green CD which caused her to cry, which caused several other people in the room to start crying.

Then, out of the blue we finally arrived at that levity I'd been craving all episode, but it wasn't quite what I had in mind. In fact, after watching this next segment, I've decided I'd much rather listen to a story about how Parker's cat has feline Leukemia or that Natalie has a nubbin and was ridiculed about it from junior high school through adulthood until she decided to take the nubbin into her own hands and remove it with a pair of scissors. No such luck.

Instead, we learned that Adam's nickname is "the hooded warrior" because he's un-nipped/un-tucked. In other words, he's uncircumcised and all the girls (and some of the guys) found it to be pretty amusing. On the contrary, I found it a little nauseating. Not so much that he's not circumcised, which I'm guessing isn't all that rare. Instead, I was disturbed that the house guests were even having a conversation about it. I mean, how did this conversation come up in the first place? "Hi guys, what are we going to eat tonight? Did I mention my friends call me the hooded warrior because I'm not circumcised?" What in the world?

Here's a quote from Adam about showing his hooded member to Jen.

"I gave her a glimpse at it. I didn't give her the one-on-one on how to operate it, but I gave her a little idea of what it works with."

Then he gave this expression:



Couldn't have summed up that sequence better myself.

Then the drama went down.

Jen and Parker had a conversation where they decided to remove Allison's trump card and opted to tell Matt and Alex that Jen and Ryan are a couple. They also told Amanda and Natalie.

The next 20 or so minutes of the show revolved around one group or another finding out about the secret. Not much else to say about this except a couple of the house guests decided to make everyone swear on top of a Bible as to whether or not they know someone else outside of the house. This was over-the-top silly but all in all I'm mostly just shocked that there is a Bible in the Big Brother house.

Two more things of import before we hit the nomination ceremony. Allison and Sheila decided to become a lesbian couple. They told Joshuah that they were in a relationship with one another. Of course, Joshuah completely believed them and ran to tell his boyfriend about the "new secret". The information trickled around the rest of the group and we've now got a new twist in the house that wasn't initiated by the house. Interesting indeed.

Finally, the big blow up between Sheila and Adam was painful to watch. Sheila is so hideously awful to Adam and as far as I can tell he hasn't done a single thing to her aside from call her "Ma" a few times. Their entire argument was pointless and seemed to be her overreacting (unless we're getting a one-sided edit of the situation - what's Jackie telling you guys? I try to steer clear of the livefeeds). In short, I'm ready for Sheila to go and the other roommates appear to feel the same. It's unfortunate for Adam, but that's just the way things go sometimes.

The Nomination Ceremony

Long story short, Amanda and Alex put up Jen/Parker and Allison/Ryan. It was a totally predictable move, but also the smartest thing they could have done.

As stated earlier, the biggest blunder in the house thus far was Jen and Ryan letting their relationship slip out. They are totally responsible for getting evicted should things go down that way. Of course, things could completely change once we get to the first Power of Veto competition. See you all then.