TVSquad

A new column here at TV Squad, where we talk about all of the things you're missing when you hit fast forward on your DVRs.

This week, I'd like to talk to you about Cheerios.

Specifically, I'd like to talk to you about the Cheerios commercial that has been running for several months. You know it. It's the one where the dad is going to eat Cheerios for six weeks to lower his cholesterol and his son has six weeks to do a report on Shakespeare. I have a question about this particular ad, which seems to be on 33 times a day right now.

Does the dad hate his son?

Seriously, the guy seems to get some thrill from watching his son flailing away at writing his report. Look at the evil smile on the dad's face and the smug chuckle. This is obviously a major assignment this kid has since it takes up six weeks of his school year, and the dad doesn't seem to mind that it's due the next day and the kid still hasn't finished it.

But that leads me to my next question: are we going to see a sequel to this ad? We never find out if the son finished his report and we don't find out if dad lowered his cholesterol. Maybe the next day we find out that the son did indeed finish the report by pulling an all-nighter, but dad finds out that his cholesterol went up by five points. Perhaps the sequel can air as a Lipitor ad.

This isn't the first time that Cheerios left us with a cliffhanger in a commercial. Check out this '60s ad featuring a certain superhero hound:

A lame plan by Simon, really. He'd have to make sure that the entire military of the United States and Underdog himself both eat Cheerios. And why does taking the hole out of Cheerios make it less effective? He's really just adding more Cheerio to each Cheerios piece. I think this plan is going to backfire on Simon. Serves him right, wasting all his genius on some "Cheerio gun."

Here's a Cheerios ad from the 1950s. Not only does chewing Cheerios help your teeth (I'd like to see the science on that), the box includes a 5 cent package of Dentyne Gum! It's "free of extra cost," whatever that means.

Some people think that's Mike Wallace, but I'm not sure. Yeah, it looks and sounds a lot like a young Wallace, but take a look at this commercial from the 1950s that is definitely Wallace. Compare the two. The Cheerios guy is a lot thinner in the face.

Cheerios ads got odd in the 80s. Check out this ad for the improved Cheerios:

Yes, there was a time in America when having John Tesh, Jodie Sweeten from Full House, and model Kathy Ireland in the same commercial would make it "star-studded."