TVSquad

(S07E01)
Simon: "Did you honestly think, Udi, and I'm gonna ask you this question seriously, that you had any chance of getting through and winning?"
Udi: "Yes I did."
Simon: "Then you're nuts."

What strike? An American Idol two-night four-hour extravaganza with no real competitive programming on opposite it? Sounds pretty status quo, though I'm sure FOX doesn't mind the almost complete lack of original scripted programming on the dial. My obsession with the Idol started because my wife wanted to see all those terrible singers the FOX hype machine paraded on our TV screens before the first season. It's had me ever since. Kelly, Ruben, Fantasia, Carrie, Taylor, Jordin and ... Let's roll up our sleeves and get this thing started so we can find out!

I've got my tub of cream cheese and cheesesteak sandwich next to me so I can get in the right mindset. Philadelphia here we come. And, per the picture to the right (Ben Haar, 24), let the circus sideshow begin. Oh, and thanks Ben for ruining the Princess Leia slave outfit for an entire generation. Bastard! Where's Ryan to bring some semblance of sanity to this freakshow?

Ryan Seacrest: "We visited seven cities. Over one hundred thousand people showed up for the biggest set of auditions television has ever seen. Now it's time for the tricky part. Which one of these people is the next American Idol?" Thus spoketh the Seacrest and thus it was begun.

The show started with snippets about random people from the crowd, what they do, what they want, then various shots of them singing, some on-key, some off-key. Oh, and lots of people screaming "I'm the next American Idol." Quick question: why does Ryan get picked up by an enormous person every season? That's right America, "This is American Idol."

INTRO SEQUENCE
Yay, look at the singers who've lost their contracts, er, I mean the past winners. Each season I've enjoyed watching how they add the latest winner to this sequence without having to change it. Wait a minute? Where the hell was Taylor Hicks? Wait, there he is. If you frame-by-frame it, after the shot of Carrie Underwood, the gender-bending animated "Idol" walks out on stage and we get a wide shot, looking down. You can see Carrie off to the left, Fantasia to the right, and from the chin down in the center, Taylor Hicks. Wow, what a slam against the Soul Patrol! I'm actually stunned. And then, of course, Jordin at the end. Man, the Idol really doesn't like that Taylor won. I wonder if they'll invite all the past winners to this year's finale, except Taylor (probably invite Chris Daughtry instead). Maybe, if they pretend it never happened, they can rewrite history and convince people that Daughtry actually won.

DAY ONE
I guess the Idol juggernaut still has some life in it, as Ryan told us this is the biggest crowd ever, but didn't give us a number. Maybe he was afraid of getting it wrong after what happened when he tried to tell us exactly how close the vote was between Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken way back in Season Two.

First up is Paula Abdul, being greeted with hugs and love. There's even some brotherly love for Simon when he arrives. Hey, check it out, Simon's wearing a t-shirt, but it's white and not tight. This must be a kinder, gentler Simon, right? The judges are ready, Ryan is ready, the contestants are ready. Are you ready? Then let's do this!

First up...
Joey Caliano (sp?) "Sunday Morning," Maroon 5
Our first spotlighted contestant carried around a picture of himself 200 pounds ago. He's halved his size and has the confidence to go with it. "There's something in me now that just is on fire ... I don't feel like I'm held back." Paula is impressed with his weight-loss and I'm impressed that Paula is wearing a completely see-through shirt. Joey sings a little high (almost falsetto) but it's fairly nice. I'm going to call him Jared.

Randy: "Quite excellent, dude. Very nice" Hey, check it out, Randy's sporting a goatee. Awesome! Goatees are so nineties, dawg-- oh wait. I have a goatee. Goatees are awesome, dude! Rock that goatee!
Simon: "Great voice. I'm nervous about you, though. Whether you are what you're standing in front of where it says American Idol." Simon, he lost the weight! What more do you want?

So Joey is through, but Simon has to throw one last zinger as he departs with our first yellow paper of the season. "And put some weight on," he shouts, but Joey hears nothing in the arms of his supporters. Then Ryan leaves with Joey's grandmothers to take on the town (huh?). Yeah, that's how you throw off all those gay rumors, Ry-Ry, hit on octogenarians.

Alaa "Yuka" Youakeem - "How Deep is Your Love," The Bee-Gees
He's from Egypt but loves America. "I can't stop say love America." He came to the auditions with his female friend who told him "you are sexy face." Now that's a helluva compliment! I'm gonna try it on the wife tonight. "Hey honey, you are sexy face ... now go make me a sandwich." (Note to Yuka: Please enunciate navel carefully, we don't cotton to "nipple"-play on television here in America.)

After the judges butchered his name for forty-five minutes he convinced them to call him "Yuka." He likes Paula, as Simon delighted in pointing out. Yes. Paula's a "good singer. She has a pretty voice. She dance good. Yes."

Randy: "Would you like to dance with her?"

Simon: "Would you like her to be your woman?"

He hasn't even started singing yet, guys. Give him a chance. He could be amazing. But then he sang and he was horrible. But wait! Oh yeah! He started snapping along and he was suddenly amazing. I'm snapping along with him and planning what I'm going to tell my work for why I have to take a six month leave of absence to follow his tour around the country when suddenly, he stopped snapping. And sucked again. I've gotta cancel those plane ticket reservations.

Simon left it to Paula to let her new man down. She told him she was impressed with how he phonetically learned the songs. Congratulations, guy. You learned the words to the song. GOOD FOR YOU! Oh and he worked hard, she could tell.

Simon: "What did you think of his performance?"

Try as they might, they couldn't get her to tell him he sucked, she stalled and stalled and evaded and never quite said it, but Simon and Randy ultimately dismissed him for her. The first rejection of the season. After he left, Simon told Paula, "You just shattered his dreams."

Melanie Nyema - "Unwritten," Natasha Bedingfield
Melanie was a Taylor Hicks back-up singer; Idol's favorite past winner if his absence in the opening credits is any indication. She's full of energy but Simon couldn't bring himself to look at her, I think he was afraid she'd fall on the stage and sprout gray hair or something. She belts it a bit, but I wasn't wowed by her. Apparently the judges thought she had enough as they let her through.

James Lewis - "Go Down Moses (Let My People Go)"
This Philadelphia tour guide dresses up in Colonial period garb and shows tourists around his historic hometown. James thinks he sounds like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. He's a clean-cut African American in a nice tan suit and then he started to sing and I got my first laugh of the new season. To sum it up: Oh. My. God! It's Sylvester Stallone and James Earl Jones' love child. Simon was the only one who could keep a straight face, but even he ultimately lost it. And like all the deluded and awful singers, James thought maybe if he sang something else he'd win them over.

They tried to show him the door but he broke into song again and amazingly he hadn't become an amazing and accomplished performer since he'd stopped singing ten seconds prior. The judges, however, weren't surprised by this at all. I guess that's why they're the professionals.

Randy: "This is not your thing, dawg. Singing. This is not your thing. Trust me, man. Trust me, man. We wouldn't lead you down the wrong alley. Idol's doing you a favor, dawg."

And James, who must have been too busy staring at Paula's bra, didn't hear a word of it because he promised (threatened) that he'd be back next year!

Nick Stano continued the tradition of butchering "Unchained Melody."

Sybill White was actually told to "Shut up," by Simon, and I have to thank him for it.

Zhengzhong Yu - "...
Sorry, I fell asleep during this audition, along with the judges.

Junot Joyner - "The Blues," Elton John
Taking on Elton John. Bold choice, but damn if he didn't pull it off. Beautiful voice. And Simon winked at him. Does Simon know what that means over here in the States? We've got Ryan hitting on old ladies and Simon hitting on the boys. I think these guys have been working together too long.

Jose Candelaria sang something in Spanish I didn't understand, but he was damned good. Things are looking up.

Jonathan Baines - "A Little More You," Little Big Town
And we'd like to see a little more of you, Jonathan. A good solid country voice, but not with so much twang that he couldn't handle other genres. I like his chances.

Temptress Brown - "And I am Telling You I'm Not Going," Jennifer Hudson
The most ironic name of the night, this sixteen year old is a middle linebacker and let me tell you, I wouldn't want to face her down on the line of scrimmage. Temptress clearly struggles with her weight, but her mother truly battles it and has become largely immobile due to her size. Her daughter takes care of her much of the time. Mom's not healthy and struggles to breathe, but she's here in support of her daughter. Temptress says she's here as much for her Mom as she is for herself. A touching story but can she sing? Sorry, but no.

Temptress is one of those delightful personalities who just doesn't have it. The judges let her down gently but she broke down and couldn't control her tears; she's only sixteen for cripes sake, of course she couldn't control her emotions! Ultimately, it turned into a hugfest, and she told them she was too ashamed to go out and face her family having not made it to the next round. So in one of the sweetest moments I've seen yet, the judges went out and helped her break the sad news to her family. Even Mom got a hug from Paula.

Mark Hayes - "White Christmas," Bing Crosby
He's awesome 'cause he can make cricket sounds. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he does the best cricket impression of anyone I've ever seen. In fact I can't stop talking about how great his cricket chirps are because I really, really don't want to have to talk about his singing. When he finished we heard crickets for real as the judges couldn't decide what to say either. I wonder if they knew he does cricket sounds.

Udgeet "Udi" Sampat - "My Way," Frank Sinatra
Please stop dancing. Please stop dancing. Please, please, please stop dancing. He dances during business meetings, he told us; I bet they want him to stop dancing as much as I do. Maybe he won't dance when he sings. People say he sounds like Sinatra and Manilow, so he sings "My Way." And doesn't dance. But now I want him to stop singing and start dancing again.

Simon: "Did you honestly think, Udi, and I'm gonna ask you this question seriously, that you had any chance of getting through and winning?"

Udi: "Yes I did."

Simon: "Then you're nuts."

"I Love Rock 'N' Roll," Joan Jett
It's time for a montage of bad singers singing the same song and it's Joan Jett's turn to get butchered. So many bad singers. So many! I'm sorry you had to be a part of that, Joan. You don't deserve it.

Alexis Cohen - "Somebody to Love," Grace Slick
She was hyped before every commercial break as the meanest girl in Philly. A rocker with heavily glittered eyes, four pounds of make-up, sparkles on her lips, chest, around her neck, hanging off of her ears ... and she says she dresses like this every day (I bet she's not a stage hand). She lives in a one-room apartment with her mom, her cats and her dog. "Judges, I plan to knock you on your feet." No, I didn't get that wrong, that was her spoken intention. She didn't want to knock anybody off their feet. Maybe she worried they'd get hurt if they fell down. I guess that means she wanted to NOT impress them.

Alexis talks like she smokes ten packs a day, and sings like she died from lung cancer sometime last year. She belted it, sure, but her raspy Melissa Etheridge-esque voice faltered way more than it hit. She left very cordially ("Sorry I couldn't do it."), but once outside the judge's room she started raging about Simon. Back in the room, Simon realized she reminded him of Willem DaFoe. Meanwhile, she continued ranting and cursing and flipping off the cameras (Hey there, censor American Idol logos. Nice to see you again this year).

How does someone become so filled with irrational rage and craziness? Meet her mother; equally crazy but with a horse's tail stuck to the top of her head instead of hair. Oh, and Alexis continued to rant and rave for the next six segments. I think she's still out there bitching right now. Someone in Philly open your window and let me know if you can hear her.

Angela Martin - "Signed, Sealed, Delivered," Stevie Wonder
The last audition of Day One, Angela's daughter has Rhetts Syndrome, similar to Cerebral Palsy. They show footage of her daughter and it's tragic to see a child with such developmental problems and the struggles we know this young mother is going through. She has friends and family to support and help her through the trials and tribulations of motherhood, and they've all come out to support her here (who's watching the kid, then?). "It's not about fame for me. It's about getting her the best care, the best therapists. Because the doctors told me my baby was never gonna walk or talk, and I'm gonna get that for her."

Angela's definitely a cutie-pie, and Simon told her so. She explained that she's a singer in a wedding/bar mitzvah band. Then she started singing and she's one of the strongest voices of the night. She had an adorable stage presence, and sold the story and emotions of the song. She's definitely my favorite from Philadelphia thus far.

Simon, however, thought her movements were corny and old-fashioned. He thought she had good energy, a good smile and needed to "de-wedding-ize" her performances. Of course, she's through.

Then we cut to the judge's room where Simon was genuinely flummoxed by something he doesn't understand about us Americans. He said he couldn't comprehend how when someone we know gets good news we would celebrate with them. He certainly wouldn't. Is he implying this is a British thing or a weird Simon Cowell thing? Either way I don't really know what to do with it, but it's pretty damned interesting. Maybe that's why he always looks disinterested when contestants are announced as safe week after week.

"Coming up, Day Two brings out the pretty girls."

DAY TWO
Today is the day for the mob to say "I love you" to prove it's the "City of Brotherly Love."

Elise Wojciechowski - "I'm Feelin' Good"
Ryan name-dropped Taylor Hicks during her intro; doesn't he know the show wants to pretend he was never on it? She proceeded to yell at the judges and make strangled animal dying sounds which she insisted was singing. Simon said her performance "is exactly identical to a nightmare I had last week."

Teresa Anello Is another yeller. She can hold an off-key note a long time.

Brandi Park - "How Do I Get You Alone"
Why are the contestants yelling at the judges during the auditions. They're supposed to do that after they get rejected.

Milo Turk - "No Sex Allowed"
Next, a balding guy in a leopard vest, who's clearly over the age limit, wanted to sing a song he wrote in front of the judges. "For the young adults and teenagers." After hearing the title of the song, Ryan lets him go in. If you've seen Arrested Development, this is Tobias. In every sense of the word.

No Sex Allowed

I'm sitting around, minding my biz
Something's wrong and I don't know what it is
My girl comes around, she's an Oedipus Rex
She starts playing with me; all she wants is sex
But take it from me, hear what I say
I don't need that, there's a better way
So I promised her love, as she swings along
Because sex is weak and love is strong
No Sex Allowed
I don't want to be part of your crowd
No Sex Allowed
And if you don't like it, get out of town

(c) 2008 Milo Turk

There were two more verses, but the judges were clearly over-inspired and didn't want to hear any more so he was dismissed. Can I say it? Milo creeped me out and I don't want to go in his basement.

Kristy Lee Cook - "Amazing Grace"
A pretty blonde who lives in Oregon in a log cabin, rides and trains horses, loves nature and can kick your ass! No, seriously, she knows martial arts. She's also a cage fighter and a highly-trained kickboxer. I wonder if she kicks if you stand behind her and startle her? She's got a cute personality, a bit of a country twang and a great voice. Compliments all around and she was on to Hollywood. Simon advised her to come in with more confidence next time.

Ben Haar
He's the guy from the picture up top. Ben is Philadelphia's recipient of the "pointless task someone needs to do and then they can come back and try again with the judges when we all know they suck and will only get rejected again." Ben's task was to go wax his chest hair, because it was distracting to Paula. She compared it to a hairy centerpiece, framed as it was by the Princess Leia slave bra. So Ben was gone ... for now.

Pedro Rivera can't sing.

Shekhinah Bathyehudah butchered "America the Beautiful" more cruelly than anyone has ever butchered her name.

Paul Marturano wrote a love song for Paula and then stared at her like a stalker/serial killer before he started singing it. I wonder if visions of Kathy Bates in Misery flashed through her mind. And then it got worse, as the lyrics of his song involved him breaking into her house and trying on her underwear. "I'm not much of a talker so I guess I'll stalk her." "If I were Columbo I'd Peter Falk her." How many "alk her" rhymes can this guy come up with. Apparently more than we were allowed to see as Simon finally cut him off.

Simon: "I think you should leave. That was really creepy." And he was escorted out by security. Oddly, his voice wasn't that bad.

Beth Stalker - "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered," Ella Fitzgerald
Her I wouldn't mind stalking me. I can't believe they didn't disqualify her for having already recorded an album ... when she was four years old. She sang nice enough but there was no pizazz to her vocal stylings at all. She can sing, but Simon didn't see enough there for her to stand out. Luckily, Paula and Randy did and we'll see if she can find her voice in Hollywood.

Ben Haar - "Don'tcha," The Pussycat Dolls
He came back sans hair and managed to be even more disgusting. He went further than requested and removed all his body hair. And he's "gonna sing ["Don'tcha"] until you tell me to stop." That turned out to be about three words in. Simon wanted him out immediately and Paula could only say "Wow." So Ben waxed his body for the chance to sing almost one line of his song. Hope it was worth it, dude.

Chris Watson - "Follow Me," Uncle Kracker
"I want to be a legend." Influenced by the likes of the Chili Peppers and Nirvana, Chris sports a bit of a Lenny Kravitz vibe with his look. This is my wife's and my wedding song, so I was glad to hear Chris perform it very well. Simon thought he looked like a star, Randy thought he should challenge himself vocally more but he definitely had the chops to move on.

Simon: "The chicks will like you, Chris."

Chris: "Thats what I'm here for."

THE FINAL TWO CONTESTANTS OF THE DAY

Christina Tolisano - "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," Roger Daltry
For the second time in Philly, we channeled Star Wars' Princess Leia, but this time, at least, it's a girl. She's sporting the cinnamon bun hairdo from the first film (SPOILER - the buns aren't real!), and in discussing it said, "Obviously I'm a huge Star Wars fan, duh!, I mean, if you don't know this hairstyle you've been living on some moon on either side of an M-Class planet in Star Trek somewhere." Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Her children will have Star Wars inspired names. Somewhere, in some basement somewhere, a man-child has fallen in love. "I do have a genuine talent." I agree. She does a pretty good Chewbacca. As for singing, she did all the good things that good singers do with their voices. The only minor difference was that it sounded awful when she did it. Most bad singers don't have technique, so I'll give her props for being confusing as hell for the judges.

Simon: "Give my love to the wookie."

She then left and began a long tirade about how American Idol only wants cookie-cutter pop stars and that's why she was cut, because she was something different.

Brooke White - "Like a Star," Corrinne Bailey Rae
Brooke got to come inside while Christina was still ranting outside about how the show only seemed to want beautiful blonde girls ... like Brooke. Awkward! Brooke's a nanny. Since she was the last contestant of the day, Simon decided he needed to know everything there was to know interesting about her. I wonder why he didn't ask that question to Christina?

Interesting things about Brooke:
She's never seen an R-rated move. She's never smoked. She's never drank. She's been married for 3 years. She's just too cute and innocent to be real. And she has a lot of hair. I mean a lot! And then she sang. And when she sang I had a new favorite from Philadelphia. She really gave a heartfelt rendition and a very mature performance. Looking forward to more from her in Hollywood.

CONCLUSION
In two days, 29 people made it through, but Christina continued to bitch that she didn't. In a clever montage, we hear Christina bitching that Idol only wants those identical cookie-cutter pretty people, all the while showing us the wide range of people that made it through (fat, thin, tall, short, all types of people). Christina? Honey? It's because you sucked. M'kay? That's why. You sucked. Yeah. Really hard. Christina should hook up with Alexis and start a support group for people who didn't get picked because the judges are stupid and wrong. I bet they could fill a stadium with members.

I'm already more confident in the talent of this season over last and it's only been one night. And I may be wrong on this, but I think they've gone back to showing a better mix of the good with the bad in these early audition rounds. Last year I think they focused too much on the bad during the early rounds which didn't create enough emotional lures to keep fans invested into Hollywood and beyond.

PREVIEW
Kelly Clarkson's hometown of Dallas hosts auditions tomorrow night. Some good moments, some bad (kind of like this review). Get some rest and I'll see you back here tomorrow night to do it all over again.

For more Idol fun, check out AOL Television's coverage of American Idol.