I write the introductions to my articles after I write the articles themselves. This is because I find the introductions the hardest part and, remembering the advice I got from the introduction to the S.A.T.s, when I run into a problem I can't easily solve, it's a good idea for me to go to the next question and return later. This introduction, however, was easy to write. That's because my wife wrote it for me. She read the column and then turned to me and said, "Wow, you're gonna get crucified for this." I asked her, "Worse than my Simpsons essay?" She said, "The reaction to this will make the Simpsons essay look like a fawning Office review. I agree with it, and I'm sure a lot of other people will as well, but the ones that don't... Wow, they are just gonna hate you!" So, uh, thanks honey. Now, on to the crucifying...
Before we get to the (ahem) meat of this matter, let me get a few disclaimers out of the way. I am not remotely in shape. I'm 6'3" and 235 pounds. None of that, other than the minimum necessary to survive, is muscle. On top of that, I'm hairy. Not like Alec Baldwin or David Hasslehoff manly hairy, but like Chuy, The Wolf Boy hairy. As I say in my comedy act, I'm so droopy and hairy, when I take my shirt off my chest looks like a werewolf frowning.
I come from a family of large-sized people. My grandmother was Lithuanian. Judging from the way she treated both my father and me, it seems that the words for "love" and "pork" are the same in Lithuanian. Seriously, when my brother and I would spend the night at her house, we'd be greeted the next morning with a pound of bacon for us to split. It's my theory that the Lithuanians spent so long under the thumb of Soviet oppression because they were too busy digesting to offer resistance.
Assuming things are the same for me as they were for my father, grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins, if I don't get control of my propensity for late-night eating (I make the bad Mogwais look positively Gizmo by comparison), I'm headed for a middle-age burdened under the weight of Type II diabetes. My original plan of eating whatever I want and hoping for a cure for the disease seems to be backfiring. It doesn't seem to matter how many fat kids show up on Maury, scientists are no closer to a cure.
I'm saying all this so you know that what I'm about to do isn't coming from the popular kids' table. I don't sit around polishing my genetically perfect abs and wondering why fat people just can't get it together. I'm not a beautiful person looking down at all the Morlocks, I'm a Morlock looking down at all the Morlocks.
Here's what I want to say to Lifetime and Carson Kressley: you can't teach people look good naked. They either do or they don't.
If you haven't seen the ads for Lifetime's new show (How to Look Good Naked, With Carson Kressley), essentially it's this: Carson Kressley, the blond guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, helps women with their esteem issues. The show takes the unfair stereotype that overweight women with self-esteem problems tend to gravitate towards gay men and, uh, solidifies it into a new reality genre.
Even though the show hasn't premiered yet (you can catch the first episode Friday, January 4th at 9:00 PM, EST.) it's already getting rave reviews from ordinary people on the Lifetime website. Just like it did for me, the premise of the show alone is enough to move people to write:
I wish I had Carson with me to make me feel brave and love my body.
I'm sitting here in a pool of tears! I wish that was ME on TV with Carson.
All women big and small will be able to relate to this show.
I am 28, 5'2" and weigh 175... I am a full-figured woman and every day I tell myself how beautiful I am. All women are beautiful!
Women should commit to this show instead of the latest diet fad.
The romantic in me reads these comments and says, you go girl! No one defines you but you!
The part of me who reads the Life and Health section of USA Today, however, begs to differ.
For instance, the 28 year old woman who tells herself every day that she's beautiful? Well, she should also tell herself every day that she's obese, because she is. Her body mass indicator (BMI) is 32, which puts her well into the obese category. So, along with her brightly positive self-esteem, she can look forward to heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, gallbladder disease, osteoarthritis, gout, and a whole array of breathing problems! Yay!
The comment that worries me the most is the last one, that women should commit to this show instead of the latest diet fad. Yeah, because what a severely overweight person needs is a gay man to tell her she's beautiful, not, uh, you know, diet and exercise. If only we all had our own, personal gay man!
Why does TV constantly need to tell me that I should love myself no matter what? If I have a problem, shouldn't I try to fix the problem, rather than pretending I don't have one?
I'm going to assume that a lot of you have reached this part in the article and are already angry at me. It's okay. As Dr. Maguire once told Will Hunting (link NSFW): it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's. Not. Your. Fault.
It's not your fault because you've been brainwashed repeatedly by feel-good modern TV that people should have high self-esteem no matter what. On Lifetime, for instance, the only person who receives any kind of criticism at all is Tori Spelling's boyfriend from Mother May I Sleep with Danger?
But before you go crazy writing to me that I'm obviously a self-hating fat person with severe women issues, consider this: what if the show promoted other kinds of unhealthy lifestyles? Would you consider it a life-affirming nod to the way we should all feel about ourselves? Or would you call it irresponsible? To illustrate, I've put together a few pitches:
1) How to Drive without a Seatbelt, With Carson Kressley. Each week, Carson finds a new candidate for a mental makeover! Meet Sarah. She grew up poor in rural Arkansas. The only car their family had was a pre-Nader pick-up truck that didn't have seatbelts. When she moved to the big city, she thought that her life was looking up. That's until she started going on dates and not fastening her seatbelt. "The men were so judgmental", a crying Sarah tells Carson. "Didn't they know about my childhood!" Carson then surprises her with a facial and the two of them travel to the Australian outback, where few of the jeeps have seatbelts. "Finally," Sarah sighs at the end of the episode, "a place where I can just be me!"
2) How to Not Wash Your Hands after Using a Public Restroom, With Carson Kressley. Meet Tommy. He grew up in a Christian Scientist household that didn't believe in the germ theory of medicine. Because of that, he never picked up the habit of washing his hands after using a public restroom. "I just figure I'll pray the germs away," Tommy tells an understanding Carson. "But, gosh, when women find out that I just number-twoed and didn't bother to wash my hands, they don't want me to touch them! It's like I'm a monster!" Carson then teaches Tommy that true basic personal hygiene comes from inside.
3) How to Allow Lead Based Products to Ship to America, With Carson Kressley. Look out, China, you're about to get a lesson in Carsonology!
Being fat isn't a moral failing, but it is a failing. It's just like not fastening your seatbelt or not washing your hands. It's just like being disorganized or chronically late. It's okay to say it. TV constantly bombards us with care packages when what we need is, in the words of Tracey Jordan, truth bombs.
Is it irresponsible to tell people it's okay to be fat? Probably not. I mean, it keeps the comfort-foods industry humming along. But I do think the sum-total of all this self-esteem hooey is taking its toll. Remember when this country went to the moon? Now we get excited when someone picks the right case on Deal or No Deal. I don't think we got dumber in one generation, we just lowered the bar as to what an accomplishment is.
So, here's my advice: if you're an overweight person (like me) and you've got a real hankering for a reality show, don't watch How to Look Good Naked, watch The Biggest Loser. The latter is premised on the idea that self-esteem comes from hard work and accomplishment. The former thinks it comes from a magic gay man.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to show this article to my good friend George Takei, so he can tell me it's good (even if it's not).
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
1-24-2008 @ 5:00PM
lemonleen said...
Lord, aside from your annoyingly self-referential writing style (Hint: using first-person isn't a license to torture your readers. We don't find you nearly as fascinating as you find yourself), you have zero insight into the psychology of obesity. "It's just like being disorganized or chronically late." Uh, no it isn't.
Overeating often involves a complex web of motivations: self-comfort, self-loathing, self-numbing, etc.
Self-acceptance doesn't mean embracing the fat; it means embracing yourself, fat and all. Once you do that, you're less likely to comfort, punish or numb yourself with food, thus ending the unhealthy cycle.
Kressley understands this; too bad he didn't spell it out for the clueless.
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1-24-2008 @ 5:48PM
Jay Black said...
After reading the last few weeks of comments (I get a few trickling in every other day), I have to say that the community of people who disagree with me make some very compelling points. The post was intended as a screed against our nation's tendency to over-protect self-esteem and it came off as a misguided attack on obese people. When I get back home, I plan on spending some time with this show and writing something a bit more balanced.
That said, I'd like to ask you why you feel the need to be insulting to me, when the implication of your argument was that reducing a person's self-esteem was not an effective behavior modification method? You say that I'm "annoying", imply that I'm blindly self-centered, and end by calling me "clueless", all while maintaining a tone of self-righteous ridicule. I'm fine with all of this - my own argument is that blunt truths are a far better means of communication than sugar-coated niceties -- but it certainly seems to undermine your criticism of me, don't you think? Effectively, what you said was, "No, you idiot, calling someone names is NOT a good way to get them to change!"
Is it that the sunshine method only works for obesity? That it should only be applied to people you like? That once someone oversteps whatever arbitrary bounds you have for them, they're open season?
I'm curious because it would seem that for someone who is attacking me, you're actually agreeing with me. That sometimes, when a person is trapped in a rut of bad behavior (in this case, self-indulgent writing about a subject the author apparently knows very little about), a good kick in the buttocks is exactly what they need to get them moving in a different direction.
Perhaps not, but worth thinking about.
Thanks too, to everyone who took the time to explain their points of view to me. I feel like even though the original post came from a negative point of view, I managed to gain a very positive amount of insight.
1-25-2008 @ 11:18PM
Val said...
I just watched a couple of episodes, and the two women featured were not obese at all, nor were they in danger of future health problems.
Their problems were that they had an exaggerated view of how much they weighed and looked. One woman, a mother of three, didn't like her post-childbirth thighs. The second woman hated her nose and her behind. Both looked lovely as they are and indeed had terrible self-esteem and a misperception of their own bodies, much like a person on the road to anorexia sees a distorted image in the mirror.
During both these shows Carson used a couple of methods to show these women that they were not seeing themselves as they truly were. He got opinions from others (the ladies remained incognito, faceless) and also had them place themselves in a line with other women they felt they were "heavier" than. In each case the women were proven wrong about their actual appearance.
This show doesn't seem to be about Carson Kressley telling women it's OK to be fat and unhealthy. It seems to be about his telling women to just look in the mirror and accept some normal meat on their bones, or an imperfect yet perfect-for-them nose or the odd not "Cosmopolitan" something.
I very much doubt that Carson Kressley would be the first to spoon-feed someone chicken fat and say, "It's OK...you'll look great in the mortuary. Fries with that?"
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3-09-2008 @ 9:29AM
Jennifer said...
Jay,
You're seeing this issue through a guy's eyes. The fat issue and the self esteem issue? They aren't the same.
Right now I weigh too much but I was just as body loathing and as self loathing when I was thirteen years old, five foot eight and a super unhealthy 100 pounds and still saw FAT in the mirror. I couldn't have had any fat then but I SAW it anyway.
The women on the show know they weigh too much but have you ever watched the show? Carson is pretty ingenious and lines up a group of women to show the weekly center of attention that she has way overemphasized her body image which is not the same at all as her weight. These women may mostly weight too much but the reality of how overweight they are VS the reality are seriously out of line.
Men don't hate their bodies, women do. Trust me. I'm a woman and the size I am at any given point really doesn't make me hate my body any more or any less. I STILL don't see myself realistically.
You need a basic education in Women 101 maybe you should write Carson and ask him for some help. He's not the worst person on the planet, you know.
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2-04-2008 @ 8:14AM
chosha said...
Jay I really think you've missed the point of the show. I haven't seen Carson's version, but I have watched all of the British version that it's based on. The concept is not that an unhealthly body is good, or should be accepted without any evaluation or improvement. The show is about (1) correcting misconceptions that women have about their bodies and (2) showing them tips on how to improve their appearance without extreme solutions like plastic surgery.
Some activities on the show illustrated how our perception of our own body tends to be unrealistically negative. For example, it's amazing how many times women were stunned to realise that a woman they didn't consider overweight or unattractive was actually bigger than them.
Changing our perceptions of ourselves alone has physical benefits. Confident women stand taller and good posture can vastly improve your appearance. These women are more likely to focus on their good points instead of their flaws, so instead of dressing to, for example, hide their butt, they will focus on accentuating their small waist or excellent cleavage, and make the most of their most beautiful features. Women who hate their body image don't think they HAVE any good points to accentuate - and this is often completely untrue.
Then there are beauty tips from the basics like getting enough water and healthy foods, through to the happily superficial stuff, like how a properly applied fake tan can make you look five years younger and five pounds lighter. There are so many simple ways to be more beautiful naked: removing body hair, exfoliating, moisturising your body (not just your face). Women who feel unattractive often don't do these simple things because they just want to hide their body away under baggy clothes and never think about it. And it's not just overweight women who do this. Women can feel this way because they are getting older, or don't like their bodyshape (in spite of being a healthy weight), or have a few stretch marks left over from having kids.
It's easy to tell that you're a guy, because you equate telling a woman to accept herself as she is to telling her that she doesn't need to bother to be healthy or take care of herself. You really have no idea how empowering accepting yourself is for a woman. Women who do not value themselves do NOT try to improve. They give up. Women who understand that weight, or age, or boob size do not determine their value - THOSE are the women who know they are worth the effort to eat right, or get to the gym, or dress well, etc.
I have watched in amazement as women who look flat and boring and depressed suddenly blossomed on the screen into smiling, playful, glowing women, all because once they were able to accept themselves and their body image, they were able to move on and also see what was beautiful about them. After that they had the power to face the actual flaws or bad habits they had and not run away from them.
I have no idea how Carson will handle this task. Gok, the UK host, is fantastic - also gay, but his humour isn't as cutting as I've seen Carson's be. We'll see how it goes. As for you - stop being such a cynic! You might discover some hidden beauty of your own. :)
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2-04-2008 @ 9:24AM
chosha said...
Incidentally, the 'it's easy to tell you're a guy' comment wasn't intended as an insult. Just saying that because I agree with you that you've gotten some un-called for insults from commenters.
After my long, long comment I realised I hadn't responded to the part of your post that made me want to comment in the first place. It was the idea that "she should be telling herself every day that she's obese".
No, she shouldn't. She's already doing that. AND IT ISN'T HELPING. I mean seriously, were you under the impression that she somehow didn't know and needed someone to point it out? In fact, the problem here isn't that she doesn't see it. The problem is that her obesity is ALL she sees.
There's an underlying theme running through your post that it's wrong for an obese person to accept themselves as they are. But accepting yourself as you are is all about recognising your own worth and loving yourself unconditionally - not loving yourself once you reach your goal weight, but right here, right now. Doing that requires you to stop defining yourself by your weight and step back and look at all aspects of your self.
It's the same with beauty. You can't find beauty in yourself while you're still defining yourself wholly on the basis of one flaw. To find beauty you have to change that perception and look at the whole person - one with flaws AND strengths. Once you do that, the obesity becomes a problem instead of an identity. And problems can be dealt with.
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1-03-2008 @ 2:07PM
Joel Keller said...
Jeez, Jay, what's wrong with giving a person a little self-esteem? Fat or thin, a little self-worth goes a long way in helping someone make changes in their lives. Yes, the women on the show (as well as you and I) need to lose weight. But, if they feel good about themselves, maybe that'll lead to a desire to take better care of themselves, especially if they're not letting their emotions guide their eating habits anymore.
I mean, I think confidence is sexy, no matter what size you are. I wish more women had the kind of confidence Carson is trying to build on his show.
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1-03-2008 @ 2:24PM
Jay Black said...
I agree with you, Joel, that confidence is sexy. I'm not advocating that women or men become sniveling balls of self-hatred, just that shows like this one focuses on a symptom and not the core of the problem.
When I was playing youth soccer, they used to give everyone a trophy on field day. It didn't give me a sense of confidence about my soccer abilities (which, in turn, led me to become a better soccer player), it just made me think that soccer trophies are worthless. Esteem comes from accomplishments. To accomplish _anything_ means to risk failure. What drives me nuts about shows like this one is that they are so ridiculously romantic that they don't believe that _anyone_ can fail, simply by virtue of the fact that they exist.
In our heart of hearts, we know that's a lie. It's like my mom telling me that the other kids in school made fun of me because they were "jealous." Yeah, right, they were beside themselves with jealously that I was the only one who didn't get a card on Valentine's day. :)
I think the worship of genetically perfect people we can't hope to emulate is wrong and anyone who hates himself because he doesn't look like Brad Pitt deserves a little self-esteem bolstering. The worship of every day people who make the hard decisions to do the right things (whether it comes to diet and exercise or work ethic or whatever) is beneficial. A little bit of bad feeling because I don't write as well as you (which I don't) is what drives me to become a better writer. Me pretending that it doesn't matter that just leaves me in the mediocre zone.
Isn't honest self-evaluation the _only_ way someone will improve on himself?
1-03-2008 @ 2:47PM
Aberdeen said...
Hie thee to the BMI Project to see how ridiculous BMI really is. I'm going to guess you're going to be rather surprised...
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1-03-2008 @ 2:47PM
Aberdeen said...
Or, rather, you'd be surprised if I included the url, eh?
http://kateharding.net/bmi-illustrated/
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1-03-2008 @ 2:54PM
Zach said...
The opposite of a Morlock is an Eloi.
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1-03-2008 @ 2:57PM
BigTed said...
Jay, I don't think you're entirely wrong here. But the point you're missing is that being overweight is a mental and emotional issue every bit as much as it is a physical issue.
We don't have an entire system of brain chemicals telling us not to wear a seat belt or wash our hands. And we don't have bodies that require us to, say, drive without a seat belt three times a day, but not at any other times.
Everyone knows that being overweight leads to chronic diseases. They also know that it makes them feel crummy, and often leads other people to treat them worse. If it were possible to lose weight and keep it off just by deciding to do it, everyone would be. But instead, the number of overweight people in the U.S. and around the world has been rising for decades.
Real weight loss requires a variety of things: Knowledge about healthy eating, a commitment to eat better (and less) and to exercise more, support from others, an understanding about how to manage emotions without turning to food, and a host of others. In other words, the sorts of things contestants are given on "The Biggest Loser." (Though I'd be interested in knowing how many contestants from that show are still thin 10 years from now.)
If Carson Kressley's message is "love yourself the way you are," it's not as if it's a choice between doing that and changing for the better. In fact, since self-hatred and overeating go hand-in-hand, most people are MORE likely to achieve change if they learn to appreciate themselves first. (Of course, may help to learn to appreciate a chicken breast with broccoli as well.)
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1-03-2008 @ 3:07PM
Jay Black said...
Ted, that was a great comment. Thank you for that. I agree with almost 100% of what you said. You're right that self-love and awareness of the need to change are not mutually exclusive.
I think where you and I differ comes to Carson's approach. It seems like the show is built around the idea of letting these ladies "accepting" their bodies. Boosting someone's self-esteem to help them change is one thing, getting them to "accept" their problem is tantamount to ignoring it, wouldn't you agree?
I mean, if I "accept" that I'm genetically predisposed to alcoholism and say, "you know what, me drinking myself into a stupor each day probably has some health risks associated with it, but to hell with it, I'm gonna love me for me!" I think a lot of people would tell me that I still have a problem and that I need to address it. Why is it considered taboo to talk the same way about weight?
2-21-2008 @ 12:33PM
leslee said...
I agree with what this person has to say. I am over weight, but mine isnt more my body is dysfunctional, then it is from eating to much. But, when I was younger, a teenager, I hated my body so much. I was always compared to my taller skinnier sister. And I did eat to shove my feelings down my throat. Now, I love myself for who I am, take the best care of myself the best that I can. I am healthly and now my sister is over weight, in bad health and smokes, and she hates herself! HMMMM, even when she was thinner all she would do is dog herself of what is wrong with her, even my skinny best friend, who is way beautiful outshines most of us, has worst selfesteem then I do. She always between the both of them dog themselves about whats wrong with them. Most women are this way, skinny and fat! Women, sisters, STOP WASTING SO MUCH USELESS ENGERY ON HATING YOURSELF!!! You are beautiful, you may not be a hot model, but who cares? You are beautiful and focus on the things that are really beautiful, inside and out! And dont worry about the imperfections all of us bare! You are alive and healthy you are blessed! Just see it!!! :)
1-03-2008 @ 3:17PM
I miss my stars! said...
"Why does TV constantly need to tell me that I should love myself no matter what? If I have a problem, shouldn't I try to fix the problem, rather than pretending I don't have one?"
Jay, doncha know that self-esteem is everything! Forget about self-responsibility. That would require work, effort and sometimes failing.
I am also one that has battled my weight all my life. Right now - it is winning, but that doensn't mean I will stop and just tell myself I'm beautiful instead of working out. Thanks for the warning on this show. I'll stick to Biggest Loser. Too bad TVS isn't covering that show instead of this one.
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1-03-2008 @ 3:18PM
tom2ytx said...
Oh damn; I could totally re-shoot the George Takei video with that hot and sexy piece of Jay Black meat.
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1-03-2008 @ 3:21PM
Jay Black said...
Tom, I would consider it an _honor_ to appear with George Takei in such a spoof. Should you have the photoshopping skills necessary to put me in there instead of Tim Hardaway, you'd have my eternal gratitude. I think I speak for everyone on the planet when I say, Sulu Rocks!
1-03-2008 @ 4:23PM
Subby said...
Wow. Way to knock it out of the park. Great review.
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1-03-2008 @ 3:29PM
taylor said...
Fear of being naked can apply to a whole lot of women- not just the BMI obese.
I know many attractive women who workout, eat healthy and still think they are 'huge'. It's shocking how many women look in a mirror and see monsters that aren't really there.
If this show can bring some reality to *those* women (skip the obese/overweight every week please) it would be doing a great service.
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1-03-2008 @ 3:48PM
Derek said...
Another mindless import from a UK show. Network execs in the US should be fired for laziness. If it works elswhere then let's just copy it. Is there anything original on US TV these days? So many comedies are copies (Coupling, The Office, IT Crowd) as are almost all of the reality shows (Idol, Dancing, Big Brother) and the game shows (Millionaire, Deal or No Deal) and they're even copying drama like Life On Mars. Make something new US execs, please.
As to the issue at hand, I think a large part of the spiral towards obesity comes from self image. If a show like this helps someone to accept being 20, 50 or even 100 pounds overweight, and to be comfortable with it, then it might stop the depression and comfort eating that would lead those same people to be 100, 200 or even 400 pounds overweight. It can be the yo-yo effect and the depression associated with trying to stop being merely overweight that can lead to much worse problems.
I won't watch this, nor did I watch the UK version, but I can see a place for it. No doubt it'll end up being some kind of reality show where there's "a winner", or maybe it already was in the UK version.
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