TVSquad

(S09E09) Although the screencap above may lead you to believe Heather's parents forgot to get her the Tetanus vaccination when she was a toddler, that's actually not the case.

What Heather is suffering from is much worse than a simple case of lockjaw and I imagine it can cause an equal amount of embarrassment, humiliation, and discomfort.

She doesn't have TMJ, she's not addicted to making the "O Face" at inopportune times, and she's not battling a bizarre compulsion to consume every gnat that flies within a 12 inch radius of her head - which is kind of a shame because that would be really funny.

Gallery: America's Next Top Model Gallery Cycle 9

Instead, Heather has actually been afflicted with an extreme case of "Can't Enunciateacitis", a debilitating inflammation of the tongue that affects at least 50-60% of America's Next Top Model contestants each and every cycle.

The poster child for the disease? None other than Jaslene Gonzalez, winner of Cycle 8. Don't ask me how that worked out because I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

If any of the girls blow their CoverGirl commercial during next week's episode, they can take solace in the fact that the Cha Cha Diva managed to win the whole thing despite suffering from the worst case of "Can't Enunciateacitis" in recorded history. The reason her case was the worst? Because it was compounded by the fact that she has congenital "English Second Language Syndrome." I'm not kidding about any of this.

Okay, I am but the intro was purposely long and nonsensical because I didn't find this episode to be all that interesting and I needed some filler. I can't tell if the show was genuinely dull or if I'm just in bad mood because I've been sick for the last two weeks. It's probably a combination of both.

I don't think I laughed once the entire episode. In fact, I spent most of the time feeling bad for Heather. She had a horrible, horrible week and the girls making fun of her only acted to exacerbate the problem.

Some of the girls were kind of cruel to Heather this episode. I've heard of kicking someone while they're down but this was different. Heather was down and Bianca and Saleisha were practically dropping elbows on her sternum for good measure.

I liked the fact that Heather attempted to stick up for herself during the whole shower incident, but as the title to this episode indicates, her outburst really did make it look like she's starting to lose her cool - or more appropriately - her mind.

During the second review of the season I said:

"I guess it's possible that she [Heather] could blossom into a confident, gregarious contender as the competition moves forward, but in all honesty, I just don't see it happening. It's unfortunate too, because I like a "good underdog prevails against impossible odds" story as much as the next person - the challenge just appears insurmountable in this instance. Here's to hoping I'm proven wrong."

As much as I've come to like Heather, I still stand by this statement. Her actions during the episode make me think my prediction was dead on. However, I'm still pulling for her to win this thing even though I think Jenah will probably come away with the win.

I apologize for being so Heather centric during this season's reviews. She's been voted America's favorite eight or so weeks in a row now, so I'm hoping most of you haven't minded too much.

Anyhow, the girls were paired up with some fashion students who were tasked with designing an outfit inpsired by the models.

Benny Ninja was the girls mentor during this sequence. Do you see the Samurai looking garment clinging to Benny's torso for dear life and the disturbing horns protruding from his shoulders? What in the holy hell is that getup supposed to be? Is Benny really the guy you want to be getting fashion tips from? Wouldn't it be just as effective to get a colorblind, crosseyed, mute to give the girls advice? These are the kinds of thing that went through my mind this episode. I've really got to lay off the Nyquil when I watch these things.

Long story short, Bianca and Saleish nailed their monologues like seasoned pros, while Jenah, Chantal, and Ambreal did a decent job with theirs. Lisa was a disaster, and we've already discussed Heather's cringe inducing performance.

Saleisha ended up winning the competition and selected Bianca and Lisa to attend a Seventeen Magazine photo shoot showcasing holiday jewelry. Saleisha has really stepped up her game ever since she came in bottom two a few weeks back. I've always though Saleisha was the most modelesque of the bunch and she has the best model walk by far. I don't see Tyra letting her win this thing, but I guess anything is possible at this point.

This weeks photo shoot took place in the desert next to an empty, broken down vehicle. The girls were required to show dismay and frustration in their facial expressions, and with the exception of Ambreal, they all performed pretty well. There's really not much else about that.

In panel we saw a strange creature behind Nigel Barker:

Followed by sheer terror on Heather's face:

Followed by jubilation when the girls learned they'd be headed to China for the remainder of the season!



Only, they forgot someone wasn't going to make the trip...

The order of the photos:

Bianca
Jenah
Saleisha
Chantal
Heather

That left Lisa and Ambreal with the latter failing to make the cut. She didn't even looked surprised that she wasn't selected to move forward. My guess is she realized she was already on borrowed time and just felt fortunate to stick around a couple of weeks longer.

The gallery has been updated to include this week's portfolio pictures. See you next week. Hopefully, I'll be a bit more chipper in my demeanor :)