(S09E05) On average, there are at least three instances I find myself laughing out loud every time I watch an episode of America's Next Top Model.
This cycle, most of the laughs seem to come at the expense of poor old Heather, but it's not a "ha ha, she's so pathetic, why does she even bother" type of laugh. It's more of a "she's awkwardly adorable and I kind of hope she wins" kind of a laugh.
I've also got her completely figured out. Heather is an excellent model, but only when she isn't moving. If we could get a taxidermist to stuff her and find an animatronics expert to install some circuitry in her face to simulate facial expressions, she'd be the winner of this thing hands down.
As it stands, I just can't imagine her winning cycle 9. This statement is also coming from the guy who picked Janet to take home this season's prize, which effectively makes any prediction I make worth its weight in suck.
I'm pissed that I was so far off the mark with my Janet selection, but we'll explore my ineptitude a little later. Before that, I think it's important to note that unlike last week, some bona fide nudity went down in the house tonight, and it made me very happy. I really wish it would have involved more of the house guests, but beggars can't be choosers. 
Anyhow, we started the show with the darling Heather doing her best Tyra impersonation by giving her assessment on some of the girls in the competition.
Heather thinks:
- Lisa is good at modeling her body but she needs some work
- Ebony needs work all around
- Janet is pretty good and has a slamming body, but she just doesn't know
- Bianca needs to pull more emotion from inside so that they look more true
- Heather has a problem with her body being awkward
I also thought and think the same thing about the cha cha diva, so again, don't listen to anything I say.
Speaking of the cha cha diva, I've been trying to avoid saying this all season, but after suffering through another one of Jaslene's CoverGirl spots, I can contain myself no longer. Her commercials are an assault on the eardrums. I almost feel like I need an interpreter to tell me what the hell she's saying.
Her performances feel so forced and rehearsed that I find myself gritting my teeth while sitting through them. I think she's made a tiny bit of improvement from the speaking engagements that took place during the course of cycle 8, but a little better than god awful is still awful. Watching her talk during cycle 8 made me want to take a shot bleach. Watching her in real commercials only make me want to take half a shot of bleach. Either way, I still die. I hate Jaslene.
Tonight the girls received some coaching from Benny Ninja on striking a pose while in mid-air.
Chantal, Ebony, Saleisha, and Ambriel took their turn on the trampoline like they'd been trampoline models for years. The rest of the girls lacked confidence and seemed to embarrassed to put themselves out there. I laughed maniacally each time one of the girls took a spill.
The trampoline posing was a precursor to tonight's challenge which found the models being hoisted into the air by a male figure skater and striking a pose that Benny Ninja yelled out to them.
The poses ranged from "happy" to "sad" to "lifeless frog" as Heather illustrated above. I probably laughed for a good five minutes after the figure skater unsuccessfully attempted to lift Heather's cute but gangly body above his head. It was as if her body was physically rejecting being lifted any higher than the guys hairline. Truly hysterical.
Lisa was proclaimed the winner of the contest and she got to bring Janet and Ebony to an Akademiks photoshoot for Seventeen magazine. Danielle from cycle 6 also participated in the shoot.
The theme for the main photoshoot was "super duper high fashion gargoyles" and there really didn't seem to be any blantantly horrible photos in the bunch.
In my humble and often incorrect opinion, Heather had the best picture of the night, but the judges on the panel disagreed.
The photos were announced in this order:
- Lisa
- Bianca
- Ebony
- Chantal
- Jenah
- Saleisha
- Heather
- Sarah
Janet may not have been the tallest or thinnest model of the lot, but I think she was one of the most attractive in a "girl who could be your bartender" kind of a way. I realize this is America's Next Top Model and not The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search but I found some genuine appeal in the fact that she seemed like an ordinary girl you could meet in any old ordinary place. She also seemed relatively mature and appeared pretty dedicated to learning the modeling skills that she lacked.
Anyhow, that was just a long way of trying to justify my pick. I'm mostly just bummed that I have to pick a new girl to root for so early in the season. My new official pick is Jenah which all but ensures she'll be going home in the next few weeks. Sorry Jenah.
I'm going to be out of the country when the next episode airs so there probably won't be a review up next week. Sorry about that. There will definitely be a recap of the week we miss written into the review to be posted week of the 29th. Be sure to come back because we've got a good thing going here.
By the way Laura, the Sonny and Cher comment from last week killed me. I'm mad I didn't think of it first.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
10-18-2007 @ 9:05AM
jessica0602 said...
Lisa brought Janet, not Chantal, to her challenge win-photo shoot!
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10-18-2007 @ 9:24AM
Erin said...
I'm usually pretty open about the "fairness" of top model, and who I like and dislike. I couldn't stand Renee last season, but she was gorgeous, and took really good photos. That being said, Jenah is just so nasty and ugly. Her teeth make me cringe. Ugh. I just can't see how she would make it toward the end.
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10-18-2007 @ 9:26AM
Emily said...
Thank goodness they told us that they were gargoyles. I would have never figured that out by the photos. They gave Sarah a hard time, but have you ever seen a gargoyle look like a street walker? Why not put them in grey garb and give them some wings like Goliath? They also completely misled us by thinking they would be hanging over the building in the preview - but that is nothing new.
Heather is my favorite, but I know she can't win. If it was still photos only, there would be no problem, but she has no control over her body in motion.
Jenah takes the best photos, but she looks gawd awful at panel and between shoots. I know there are tons of mirrors in that house, girl, take a look see. Am I the only one that thinks that platinum sheepskin masquerading as a weave makes her look sallow and washed out?
I used to like Ambriel, but she give the same expression every week. Ebony has no poise and will go as soon as she gives a bad photo, I expect. Bianca's insecurities make her come off as a bitch and although I like her photos, I don't like her attitude.
Watching this show has made me a self-styled photo critic at home. I was looking at this month's In Style, and saying to myself at the ads "dead hand, bad eye contact, she looks like she is sitting on the toilet!" Mister Jay is bleeding over into my subconscious now.
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10-18-2007 @ 9:32AM
Erin said...
As much as I hated Renee from last season, she was gorgeous and took good photos, so I understood why she stayed. That being said, I think Jenah is the ugliest girl I've seen in a while. Her horse teeth make me cringe, and she just looks so....dirty. They make her up soooo much that it doesn't even look like the same girl. I think she is the most god awful looking girl they've ever had on the show. Ever.
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10-18-2007 @ 10:06AM
Sorceressss said...
Oh my God JJ, I was thinking the SAME exact thing with the Jaslene commercials! I coudn't stand hearing her talk last cycle and her voice is no better, AND she STILL looks like a drag queen. Onto last nights episode. I am still sticking with Heather, she is showing more personality every week and I think she will absorb more and more and get even better, she can talk so doing a commercial may not be her downfall.
I cannot stand Ebony she has zero personality and no top lip. I loved it when Tyra asked her for a piece of candy!
Bianca has seemed to (outwardly) calm the bitch factor down a bit and took a good picture.
Jenah does nothing for me, nor does the other blonde (I can't even remember her name!). I like Saleshia's personality, but she needs to make her pics way stronger. We'll miss you next week, but will be waiting anxiously for your next review!!!
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10-18-2007 @ 10:11AM
Erin said...
Whoops. Double comment. Sorry :)
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10-18-2007 @ 10:38AM
George said...
Hmmm... I actually *like* Jenah's big teeth and toxic waste-lookin' hair. I don't know why. Maybe it's the eyes. Whatever. There's something about her.
I agree wholeheartedly with complaints about Jaslene (btw, did anyone notice that in the script shown in last night's MLaaCG spot, they spelled her name "Jasleene"? Seems more accurate somehow -- whinier, maybe.). If they want to help her, they should set her up with the voice coach they found for Danielle. I was really, really impressed with the change in her speech.
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10-18-2007 @ 11:02AM
George said...
Also... Given the generally depressing level of intelligence for ANTM contestants, I'm wondering how many of the girls actually knew what gargoyles were. If only Victoria were still around to sneer at them...
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10-18-2007 @ 11:19AM
jessie said...
I fast forward through Jaslene's commercials. Honestly, every model winner totally sucks in their CG commercials. All sound unnatural. Niama made my ears burn with disdain, Caridee, annoying. However, Jaslene is by far the worst of the bunch. She has her head cocked back in order to open her mouth wider so she can better annunciate her lines.
Though, I was impressed the way Danielle spoke last night. I loved her accent. But, last night her accent was subtle and boy, did she look great.
My girl Lisa is doing great. She is beautiful. Still hate Bianca because she is a straight up bitch and so is that plus-sized hoochie! Can wait for her ass to get booted - her pic sucked last night. So bad it should have been enough to let her go. I was sad to see Janet go. The chicks with the awesome bodies - curves but have muscles and shapely legs are always the firsts to go. I liked Janet a lot!
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10-18-2007 @ 1:18PM
Katie said...
God forgive me but when I first ever saw Jaslene I thought she was hearing impaired. She had that way of talking. Its a little better now though.
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10-18-2007 @ 1:18PM
Chris.B. said...
jessie, Lisa is my choice as well. She is beautiful & takes beautiful pictures. I really hope she continues to do well. I think it was Benny who said that Lisa had the whole package & I agree with him or with whoever said that. It surprised me that Tyra was able to sense something was wrong with Lisa during judging.When Tyra mentioned to Lisa that it seemed as if she was holding back, I was hoping Lisa wouldn't say anything. Obviously & understandably, what Bianca had said to Lisa about her face breaking out because of the make-up, & the bad things being said about her, hurt Lisa's feelings so much so that she wasn't able to contain it at judging. I thought that after Bianca's bad hair was cut off, her bad attitude went along with the bad hair. Evidently, it didn't. Although Janet wasn't a favorite of mine to win, I liked her. When Janet made the comment that she wasn't ready to go home, I was hoping she wouldn't be the one to be eliminated, sadly she was. But I didn't want Ambriel to go home either. I would love to see Bianca go.
I have a question . Of the past ANTM winners or non winners, does anyone know, who has been or is the most successful?
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10-18-2007 @ 1:28PM
Bach said...
Man, these girls are bitchy! "Is that makeup causing you to break out?"
And in defense of Jenah, she can't help it that they gave her bleach-blond dreadlocky hair.
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10-18-2007 @ 1:38PM
procrastinator said...
i am a huge fan of the show, and am liking jenah as well, but i found that once the gals had their hair up for the shoot i was having trouble telling who was who, which means not many are really making an impact, let's get rid of a couple more and then i'll be ready to make some better picks...
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10-18-2007 @ 4:35PM
Courtney said...
LISA ALL THE Way!!!!
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10-18-2007 @ 3:24PM
r.r.r. said...
i am rooting for bianca! :) ever since she got rid of that red hair, she's shining through the rest. i want heather out the door! she's not there to be a model and she needs to look at the camera and stop the side shots. :) can't wait for next week.
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10-18-2007 @ 4:55PM
sarah said...
Hey Chris B.
I think that Danielle is doing the best of them all. She gets more jobs than most, although I did see Mercedes in a Chili's commercial a while ago... so sad. I loved Mercedes.
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10-18-2007 @ 9:46PM
Johari said...
Actually, it looks to me like Heather is improving on her social skills. As long as she can get more comfortable talking to others, she might actually do well in the Cover Girl commercial, provided she actually makes it to the Top 6.
About the past ANTM contestants, I heard one of them is actually one the scorecard girls over at Nathan's for their annual hot dog eating contest.
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10-18-2007 @ 11:39PM
Chris.B. said...
Thanks sarah (#17) for answering my question :). Danielle looked great in last night's episode. She was my choice to win during her cycle. I hope she becomes a top model. I loved how she thought of her mother & was so concern for her mother's well being.... Regardless of how she speaks, I think Jaslene is going to do quite well in modelling. She has that thin body that the modelling world seems to love. I also saw Mercedes in that chili's commercial. I was also sad to see her doing that commercial. Maybe she is doing some modelling as well. I hope so. I agree with Janice Dickerson when she said that Mercedes should have won ANTM. Recently, I've seen Ya-Ya in an Olay commercial, & Eva the Diva, has been in videos & had hosted a program searching for the next "big" designer.....anyway, thanks again Sarah.
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10-18-2007 @ 11:49PM
Chris.B. said...
Johari, thanks also for your answer :). Recently, I read that the girl who said she was a wrestler before trying out for ANTM, & she had that bad skin break out, is now expecting a baby. The father is the guy who got thrown over Bonaduce's shoulders after jumping on him.
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10-19-2007 @ 2:24PM
Gordy said...
How soon we forget, folks. For all the drama about Danielle's diction duing cycle 6, nary a menion of how well she spoke in this episode.
If Danielle can do it, there's hope for Jaslene. Get over it, she won.
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