TVSquad

There's long been a debate among certain kinds of creepy cartoon enthusiasts about which animated girls we would most like to, uh, "get-to-know better", should we ever live in a Cool World-type universe where that sort of thing was possible. Judy Jetson, teenage Pebbles, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid (with feet or without)... the list, sadly, goes on and on.

As I get older, though, I find one area of Creepyville the internet geeks have yet to explore: which animated housewife is the hottest! This being the internet, the only way to truly rectify the situation is to create a numbered list. I thus present to you my list of the seven hottest animated housewives...

Note #1: I was originally going to name this feature "The seven hottest cartoon MILFs" -- but I was unsure whether or not this word was considered "dirty". I know that since the birth of my son in July, calling my wife a "MILF" has resulted in her rolling her eyes and smiling in that way women do when their husband has said something edging up on dirty but that is still complimentary. My wife's eye-roll gave me cause for concern. After seeing the avalanche of offended email that followed Sally Field saying the word g*dd*mn at the Emmys, I figured I'd play it safe.

Note #2: Unlike a lot of TV Squad lists, this one will be ranked. The seven spot is the least attractive cartoon wife while the number one spot is the most attractive cartoon wife. I'd like to warn my readers about the dangers of thinking too hard about these placements. Seriously, I spent approximately 3 hours figuring out this list and afterwards I was wracked with the kind of wasted-time guilt that I imagine Brad Pitt's character from True Romance must have felt when he finally sobered up.

Before we begin, I should give you the criteria for the choices:

-- Attractiveness of design. This is at the same time the most important and hardest to judge aspect of the women in question. If we were dealing with determining the hottest cartoon character wife within the same show, this list would be a lot easier to determine. Since we have a variety of overall designs to sort through, we're forced to compare apples and oranges.

-- Personality. While a lot of men would disregard this aspect totally, I've had three mandatory credits in feminist theory and am thus more enlightened when I objectify women into a ranked list. Let's see the guys over at Maxim be able to claim that.

-- Sexuality. Feminist theory aside, if we're golng to be fake considering what getting fake physical with these fake women is fake like, it's important to consider the probability that the experience would be a fun one.

-- Voice. Since this is the only part of these women connected to the real world, one might consider it the least creepy part of this tremendously creepy list. That is, of course, unless you were one of the women who actually voice the character, in which case this part of the list is probably the most creepy (Hi Alex Borstein!)

And now, our list:

7. Peggy Hill. She's devoted and I admire that in a woman, but phew, she's more of a MIFOO (Mom I <explicative deleted> Out of Obligation) than a MILF. She loses major points for the grandma haircut and her insistence on wearing mom jeans.

6/5. Wilma Flintstone and Jane Jetson (tie). While both of these ladies win points for attractiveness (the writer here needs to admit to a weakness for redheads), their devotion to 1960's era stereotypes drops them a few notches. Both are constantly henpecking their husbands while at the same time running up huge debts in pursuit of an empty bourgeois consumerism. Anybody hankering for a return to the "glory days" of the past should check out these shows. Would you really want to live every day with Wilma riding your ass like you were a triceratops? I don't think so.

4. Mrs. Cartman. While she's not technically a housewife (in the sense that she doesn't have a husband) and she's not technically a woman (in the sense that she has both male and female reproductive organs), she makes the list because she would, to put this delicately, rock your little world. Her breadth of experience and her willingness to try anything (and I mean anything), means that being with her would never get boring. She might be the ugliest woman on this list, but as the creepy older dude who used to hang out at my high school used to say: ugly girls try harder.

3. Francine Smith. Probably the most attractive character on this list in terms of sheer looks, Francine comes in at number three only because she suffers from a rather bland personality. While one might make that argument for the entire cast of American Dad (a show I like but, for some reason, can't explain why), her milquetoast demeanor is definitely a knock against her, especially when one considers the loads of personality that our number one and two women have. That being said, she's obviously kept herself in good cartoon shape. You'd have to turn to Hentai Anime to find a hotter line-drawn woman!

(Side note, I've never watched Hentai Anime. I might be a creep, but I'm not a super-creep. I leave that to the fanboys... oh, and the guys who post on Brigitte's TV Squad Daily page.)

2. Marge Simpson. Though not as pretty as some of the other women written about on this list, she's certainly got the most soul. She loves her husband, provides for her family, and is not averse to a healthy amount of "snuggle time." She's kinky, with a penchant for outdoor sex, but not kinky enough to warrant a Savage Love column. In short, she's the woman you'd most want to marry (and, indeed, thanks to the subtle sophistication of The Simpsons, is probably most like the woman you're already married to). If this were the list of animated housewives you'd be happiest spending the rest of your life with, Marge would win in a runaway! Since it's the hottest animated housewives, though, we leave our number one spot for...

1. Lois Griffin. Red hair? Check. Loving wife? Check. Willingness to get super kink-ay? Check and double check. All that plus she's got tons of Pewterschmidt dough just waiting to be inherited. Even her downsides have upsides. Consider her voice -- most of the time it's unattractively nasal -- but when she gets really excited it gets a gravelly deep-throated growl in it, kind of like the girl who sang opposite Meat Loaf in "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)." She's so attractive that she's got both Brian and Quagmire chasing after their best friend's girl. Well you can add Jay Black to that list as well!

Okay, now that I'm done writing this, I'm off to go take one of those crying, "can't-get-clean-oh-god-I-can't-get-clean" showers and then call my therapist. Let me know your choices in the comments!