For the past few days, I've been watching VH1's non-stop reruns of their reality show The Pickup Artist, which is just an unmarked white van and fistful of roofies away from being the creepiest show on television. I cannot bring myself to look away, so I watch each episode with my face twisted in an expression that is equal parts horror and malicious amusement. The finale will air tonight and I have already come to accept that I don't have the self-control to avoid watching, despite the fact that every time I tune in, I lose a little more faith in humanity.I suppose it isn't the fault of the contestants. After all, they're unintentional virgins and their minds are malleable, subject to easy manipulation by anyone who wears eyeliner. That's where the show's host, Mystery, comes in.
With those raccoon eyes, black nail polish, and furry top hats, Mystery looks like a sad goth raver. I mean, who does he think he is?... Me? I think the worst part is the way he refers to women as "targets" and treats them as such.
He seems to preach the importance of listening to the ladies, but rather than "Listen closely, because it will help you better understand this woman as a human being", it's more like "Listen closely, because you may have to regurgitate these facts later. If you fail to do so, you will never get laid. NEVER." Actually, wait a second. I take that back. The worst part is the fact that women actually fall for this. Generally, the women that do aren't the classiest, but it's still alarmingly creepy. How can they be manipulated by something so formulaic?
I know if Mystery or any of his awkward buddies were to approach me in a bar, it'd be a quick exercise in the "knee to the groin" defense. In fact, I find them so disgusting, I've compiled a list of the six creeps I'd rather date than Mystery. Let's begin:
Any guy from The Office (US or UK): The original Office on the BBC is my favo(u)rite program of all time, and most of my love has to do with the awfulness of David Brent and Gareth Keenan. I cannot think of another show that has made me cringe so much; the absolute desperation of the all the characters is stunning. Even Michael Scott from the American version has turned himself into a creep. But, somehow, all these creepy characters are endearing. This is because their actions are fueled by a desperate to be popular and loved, not to just get laid. There is one Office character that I would never want to encounter in real life, though, and that is Chris Finch from the original. That man is the epitome of creepiness, spitting crude lines in that gravely voice of his. I'm sure he and Mystery could have some good conversations.
Doctor Venture (The Venture Bros): Sleaze! Oh, how Doc Venture exudes sleaze. Most of this has to do with his creepy phrases like "... A one Ms. Dolly Parton -- meow" or even the simple "Rrrrusty's back!", which are always lovingly accompanied by awkward eyebrow waggling. Even though Doc left Sally Impossible's not-very-invisible heart to crumble and still can't get a proper piece of Doctor Girlfriend, he has shown no signs of slowing down the sleaze. At least Doc Venture acknowledges the rotten nature of his doings, unlike Mystery and his greasy-haired cohorts.
Sylar (Heroes): Emotionally damaged villains on prime time TV don't get much creepier than Sylar. And yet I can't help the feeling that if he approached me in a bar, offered to buy me a drink, and then complimented me on my wonderful party trick of snapping my femur in half and healing it up in five seconds, I'd totally fall head over heels. Get it? 'Cause Sylar likes to slice people's heads open. But seriously, I'd rather risk getting my head sliced open than date Mystery. At least Sylar knows he's a creep and doesn't try to play it off as smoothness.
Gob (Arrested Development): I suppose Gob isn't really as much of a creep as he is an emotionally stunted jerk, but there's no denying that he's a less than desirable character. Even though he screwed up every relationship he had on the show, Gob understood that there was something wrong with his situations. Also, he has had his redeeming moments with Michael, which is more than I can say for Mystery, who is just 24/7 awful. In a strange parallel, Mystery also has a background in magic, but I think I'd rather put up with Gob's "Final Countdown" antics.
The Master (Doctor Who): ... More specifically, the most recent incarnation of the Master, played by John Simm. If you haven't seen the finale yet, skip this bit to avoid spoilers, yeah? As I watched the Master dance around to the destruction of Earth at the end of last season, I was surprisingly enamored. "Wow," I thought, "The Master just made a Scissor Sisters sing-along totally bad-ass". Not only did he have impeccable taste in music, the Master effortlessly maintained that sleazy sense of superiority that Mystery often attempts to capture. He makes it look easy! Well, no matter. The Master is dead now and there are no plans to find a way to bring him back any time soon. Also, he is fictional.
Zapp Brannigan (Futurama): I think my inclusion of Brannigan on this list links back to my strange love for Zaphod Beeblebrox from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "trilogy". There's a strange appeal in cocky space-travelers, especially those with very sexy learning disabilities. Just look at Captain Kirk, right? He got all the alien ladies (and maybe a little of Spock), no problem. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't have a real reason why Brannigan is on this list. I honestly think it's just the oh-so-cocksure -- haha, I said "cocksure" -- voice. Nice job, Billy West, you got me.
Comic-Con Countdown: You ask Sci Fi the questions, we deliver
Giveaway Monday: ER - Season Nine DVD
Giveaways reminder: Stargate: Atlantis, X-Files, Fastlane
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
9-24-2007 @ 12:49PM
marko said...
I enjoy watching the Pickup Artist but it only dawned on me today that its essentially the movie Hitch. I don't remember Will Smith being featured in a list like this. Cool points to you for the Doctor Who reference.
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9-24-2007 @ 12:53PM
MIke said...
I've never watched the show, but they've made fun of the pickup guy on "the Soup", and he seems like a tool. Anyway funny post.
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9-24-2007 @ 1:13PM
KMF said...
Hilarious post! I personally haven't seen Pickup Artist because I don't have cable. But I found your post still really funny.
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9-24-2007 @ 1:35PM
Hollywood Ron said...
I thought Dr. Venture got a proper piece of Dr. Girlfriend before she turned him into a nightmare torn from the pages of Kafka? I could be wrong, though.
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9-24-2007 @ 1:38PM
Whitney said...
Great post! I totally agree about Zap Brannigan's voice. Billy West is my imaginary boyfriend. I fell in love with him while listening to the Futurama commentaries.
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9-24-2007 @ 1:59PM
Cody said...
I have been glued to The Pickup Artist, absorbing every word that Mystery says, because I am hoping that some day someone tries to Mystery Method one of my friends, and when that happens I am totally going to call him on it.
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9-24-2007 @ 2:42PM
Sparky said...
The pick up artist is based on a subculture of people practiced in the craft of seduction. It's baserd on NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming, with Mystery and a man named Ross Jefferies two of the leaders of this movement. NLP is an interesting device, utilized in the 80's for salesmen.
Creepy or not, these techniques do work. I have seen them in action.
While it's a funny post, shouldn't the reviewer of a show about how to pick up women be written by a man? Just a thought. every woman is going to say, "Ooh, he's gross. These things would never work on me. I would kick him in the groin."
Until they wake up naked in his bed.
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9-24-2007 @ 3:30PM
Rebecca said...
Thanks for a good laugh. :D
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9-24-2007 @ 5:14PM
Mel said...
Never watched the Pickup Artist, but your list was very amusing. I would totally date Sylar.
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9-24-2007 @ 6:42PM
slutty_whore said...
The point of the show is for Mystery to teach these guys how to build confidence. Which he did, so kudos... so as the previous post mentioned, it does work.
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9-24-2007 @ 6:54PM
Bash said...
I still think that everything that's "reality tv" on MTV and VH1 is scripted to death.
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9-24-2007 @ 7:29PM
Ann said...
Thank you! I've been watching The Pick Up Artist with similar thoughts. I would love the chance to kick Mystery in the groin. Unfortunately, I'm sure he would quickly figure out that I was not interested in his game and move on before I had the chance.
Yes, Mystery is building the confidence of these boys but their confidence is built on taking advantage of drunk women.
I enjoy the show, despite the creepiness factor, but Mystery, please stop speaking in the that condescending tone with dramatic pauses. Surely a pick up artist has more personality then what I've seen on your show.
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9-24-2007 @ 10:13PM
Cody said...
Listen, Mystery is very good at what he does and all of you ladies who are saying he's creepy would surely have fallen for it if you didn't know who he is. You only know that he's really creepy since you've seen the show, and being the social master that he is, I bet he's already figured out how to spin his negative popularity from the creepiness into positive popularity for being a celebrity. That's not the problem here with this show.
The problem with the show is that he is programming an army of drones, social robots, who aren't able to talk to girls on their own so they need a set of rules to do something that should come naturally, should be learned on their own through trial and error and many nights spent at their local drinking hole with the goal of earning a girl who is at his level. It's not just the show; Mystery charges these pariahs with too much money thousands of dollars to learn his program. This is the problem. This show is incredibly useful for the rest of us because if you learn from it, then you will learn how to detect and shut down a potential Mystery-drone. If a guy comes up to you full of faux-confidence because he's learned a couple of routines, then you can turn him back into a regular human being with a little effort. This show is brilliant because it exposes their tricks to the general population. Learn it and use it against them.
One of my new goals in life is to shut down a pickup artist who is using the Mystery Method. I'm kind of hoping it's Sparky up there at number #7 who I catch first.
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9-24-2007 @ 10:50PM
shefer.lior said...
Watch The Pick Up Artist and all other VH1's and MTV's show at http://www.tv3o.com
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9-24-2007 @ 11:48PM
Rachel said...
I'd rather date Franklin AND Gob than this dude. He's like Tommy Lee and Scott Weiland's love child.
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9-25-2007 @ 3:45AM
pooah said...
post your picture wu. its kinda obvious why you've never been approached by one of tens of thousands of members of the PUA community. Mystery's method isn't about picking up below-average-looking tv bloggers, its about meeting 9s and 10s in the elite night clubs of the world.
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9-25-2007 @ 12:05PM
Cody said...
@16: is "pooah" a literal pronunciation of "PUA"? Because if so I may have just broken something from laughing so hard at you.
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9-26-2007 @ 11:52PM
Ali said...
I watched every episode, did anyone else think that these guys are shy around women because they were gay, really I didn't think one of them was straight. Kosmo cried every episode, I'm not saying that all gay guys cry, but I saw way to many signs, Brady dying his hair "blonde" Joe D was my fav, but he gave off gay vibes as well.
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9-27-2007 @ 1:24AM
OClvl3 said...
Cody I hope you do meet someone that tries the Mystery Method on you and you shut them down. After reading "The Game" I was able to point out dudes using it to my female friends. But needless to say, there are more Gaming methods then just Mystery's and some of them are way more useful and a lot less obvious. On a side note I despise Mystery. From reading The Game to seeing and reading other things written by and about him he is a total tool.
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9-29-2007 @ 6:04PM
Street said...
Sparky your a little off on your pick up history. RJ had nothing to do with mystery. Mystery method is an "indirect" model of pick up, predicated on the idea that womens attraction is value based. Therefore, a user of mystery method will step back, not show interest in a girl until hes found a reason, other then looks, to be interested in her, and will build his value through palm reading, fun games, magic and story telling. It has nothing to do with SS or NLP.
I think the reason so many guys is hate pick up essentially comes down to a quote from the Matrix. "You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it." Pick up's scary, trust me. When I first started I was paralyzed with fear. It takes guts to get out there and face rejection and your own fears but damn, is it worth it.
To post 12, where do you see anyone taking advantage of drunk women? I have not seen one drunk girl on the program being picked up. Mystery method works on intelligent girls, not drunk party girls. Why? Because mystery method is VERBAL! A drunk girls not going to understand your stories, shes not going to find it interesting that you can read her palm, shes not going to be able to close her eyes and see what color a cube is in the desert. You don't need game for drunk girls.
As for post 13, you just hit the nail on the head. "who aren't able to talk to girls on their own so they need a set of rules to do something that should come naturally, should be learned on their own through trial and error and many nights spent at their local drinking hole with the goal of earning a girl who is at his level"
Read that. Read it a few times and let it sink it. They CAN'T talk to girls on their own and they DO need a set of guidelines (even the best pick up artists says there are no rules, only guidelines) because it DOESN'T come naturally. It doesn't unless your the 1% of the male population that was always naturally good with girls. So if you suck with girls you will always suck with girls? Are you saying that a true man, when faced with an important defeciency (all humans have a hard wired need for intimacy and companionship, after all), does nothing about it even when there is a better way out there? I call bullshit.
As Mystery said, this isn't about girls, its about building a life. An old quote from the community says "An amateur pick up artist focuses on who he wants, a pro focuses on who he wants to be." If your focusing on the girl you want you are GOAL ORIENTATED and you will be needy and in secure because you have an agenda and girls can tell. Its about confidence and becoming your best self because thats whats truly attractive in a pick up artist. The whole process of becoming a pick up artist changes you. You need to be ambitious, determined, confident, smart, intresting, charismatic, fun, extroverted, social, a leader. Do any one of these traits seem like a bad thing? Not to me. What is truly attractive about a pick up artist are the traits he displays, traits that the training to become a PUA fosters. Its about becoming your best self.
Pick up is like the force. The force, in and of itself, is neutral, it is neither good nor bad. How you use it, however, it what makes it good or bad. I have friends who are pick up artists and are celibate till marriage. I personally have gotten four one night stand chances in the past two months and I havent taken any of them because Im not in the game for meaningless sex, Im in it to get a quality girlfriend. Pick up is just here to make sure a girl sticks around long enough to find out who you are. Pick up only goes so far, and if you are a bad person no amount of routines or stories or magic or palm reading will help you because a girl will find out sooner or later. You can't hide your true nature.
And also Cody, any good pick up artist would not be phased as being called out on being a pick up artist. I've been caught with game before. All I said was "You girls know about pick up artists? Awesome, how was my approach?" It doesnt matter, its a complete non issue. All my girlfriends right now know Im a pick up artist. Hell, Im teaching half of them to be pick up artists themselves! I have no reason to hide it because Im confident enough to know not to apologize for who I am. If a girl asks me if Im a pick up artist I calmly reply "Yes, is that going to be a problem?" Lets say I approach a friend of your and you call me out on game. So? I deal with it and if I get rejected so what? I smile, say it was nice meeting you, walk fifteen feet away and start again. Before people jump down my throat by saying "Oh their targets, you treat them like throw away toys, ect." that is not the case. Im just not going to let a girl Ive known for MINUTES have any control over my morale or self esteem. I go out to meet people and I have no interest in talking to anyone who does not wish to talk to me.
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