(S09E01) Four years, eight cycles, and countless eating disorders ago, America's Next Top Model premiered to great fanfare on the channel formerly known as UPN.
Cycle 9 premiered tonight on The CW, and although it hasn't changed all that much in eight iterations, the series doesn't seem to be showing any real signs of its age.
Aside from it being a viable excuse for me to watch 13 semi-attractive girls strut around in skimpy clothing, what is it about this show that keeps me ravenous for more? A simple answer awaits you if you'd kindly follow the jump.
See the wide-eyed nut job with the red feathers flanked by gay sailors in the screencap above? She's the reason America's Next Top Model has been so successful all these years.
Nevermind the fact that she co-produces the thing - if Tyra's crazy ass wasn't physically on the show on a weekly basis wearing ridiculous outfits (see above), pantomiming ridiculous poses (see below), and deadpanning ridiculous phrases (listen to anything serious she says), this show would have died many, many moons ago.
I'm saying all of these things with great admiration by the way. Basically, I've grown to love Tyra Banks and I'm not ashamed to say it. Well, maybe a little ashamed to say it, but I'm pretty sure no one in my fantasy football league knows I review this show so I'm safe.
Anyhow, if we're using Tyra's atrociously delicious cabaret performance as a barometer for the foolishness that's going to ensue this season, than this should be the best cycle yet.
On with the show.
We started out with 33 girls. Through the initial introduction process we met some pretty interesting characters that included:
- Ambreal who goes to Howard University and showed off "the ghetto walk", "the Africa walk", and the "crazy choreography walk" which Tyra tried and failed to duplicate
- Chantal who dropped some designer names like Versace and Rachel Roy which really impressed Tyra, Miss Jay, and Mr. Jay
- Sylvia who Tyra made walk like a high fashion butterfly, a high fashion robot, and a centipede?
- Heather, a very peculiar, slightly gangly girl with Aspergers Syndrome and ADHD. The former is a mild form of autism that among other things, causes people to be a little awkward in social situations (according to Heather). The latter is a "disease" concocted by the medical industry to describe people who can't sit still or focus. :)
- Alicia who went to T-zone (a Tyra Banks modeling camp) when she was 14 and now she thinks "she's bomb". Tyra promised to be harder on her because she knows her.
- Victoria who is a quasi attractive nerd from Yale who is very smart and thinks some of the other girls are really dumb. At this point, I wish to concur.
- Janet who is a hottie from a small town in Georgia who does bikini waxing for a living. She gave Tyra a faux bikini wax as seen below, then gave her a sexy smack on the ass...I reviewed this no less than 17 times on my TiVo...
This sequence caused Tyra to say, "Any girl that gives me a simulated kitty cat wax is fine by me." Me too Tyra. Me too.
Next, we sadly hit a patch of girls who had been wronged in one way or another as they were growing up. In all seriousness, I hate to hear stories like these, but am glad that they've been able to make it this far through such adversity.
- Jennifer is a bartender with no vision in her right eye. She talks with a thick Boston accent.
- Marvita was passed from one relative to the next as a child. She has been homeless, molested, and raped.
- Lisa was in foster care for many years. However, now she is an exotic dancer, but she always has her clothes on. Sure Lisa...and Miss Jay is really a woman.
- Ebony is from the hood, and the girls already hate her. Tyra was able to pull out the fact that Ebony had a boyfriend that walked all over her and a mother that was a crackhead.
Cha Cha Diva (a.k.a. Jaslene, cycle 8 winner) made an appearance while on the beach and gave the girls a small pep talk about how she's living her dream and how they too can make their dream a reality if they work hard and blah blah blah "I'm Spicy".
After the shoot, 13 girls were cut. For the next 20 girls Tyra, Miss Jay and Mr. Jay deliberated over their photos and ultimately called out the 13 girls who will actually be in this season's competition to be America's Next Top Model.
We already know who the 13 finalists are from this post, but in the event you missed it, here's a list of the ladies that made it:
- Mila
- Bianca
- Jenah
- Chantal
- Ambreal
- Victoria
- Sarah
- Saleisha
- Kimberly
- Ebony
- Janet
- Heather
- Lisa
If you remember, my wife picked Jaslene after the first episode of cycle 8 and I picked uber biotch Renee. In other words, my wife spanked me last year, and I'm not going to let her do it again.
Make your early pick on who will win cycle 9 via the poll below, or if you really want to make it official, via the comments.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
9-20-2007 @ 1:37AM
Bach said...
I say Jenah.
She's pretty weird looking.
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9-20-2007 @ 5:45AM
Patrick said...
OMGaaawd that was like the perfect review of this train wreck slash 5 alarm grease fire that I as well am unexplainably hooked on! My only critique (of the show... not this posting) was the lame 'group shot' they used. Where's the uniformity??? Where's the half nakedness??? Instead we get 13 girls in sun dresses that look like they came out of Miss J's closet (ewwww... coming out of Miss J's closet... shutter much?)
Great Post JJ... oh and start Peyton Manning instead of Brady this week... he's gunna rip it up!
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9-20-2007 @ 8:56AM
Kira said...
Yay! JJ is back with the ANTM blog!!!
I love this show.... God I love this show and I love Tyra Banks. Her hopping up on the table to get a kitty cat wax was the funniest thing I've ever seen on a reality show. Can you see other hosts doing this? (well except maybe Ryan Seacrest!)
I thought the interviews were okay, but it appeared they left even the wackier stuff on the cutting room floor... and thats a darn shame. I wanted to see them ALL dance.
The beach photos were a tease, and we only got a sneak preview of how some of these truly gangly socially inept ladies will actually be in front of the camera. It seems that some of them might actually have what it takes. Of course, sob story or not, I wanna punch that Ebony in the mouth already. Also that Mila was a trip. She was like a combo of Paris Hilton those people who are too chipper in the morning. Either way, I'm gonna want her gone first.
I was happy the Yale girl made it. Of course Heather had to make it... this is reality tv people... we always need the person with a disability who impresses us in there...like Charla from TAR, only without the unsufferable cousin.
I guess Aspergers was a better story than the "I'm blind in one eye" girl from Boston. Too bad for her, I liked her. I hope she wasn't elimated because of her accent. If we can have Jaslene and Danielle as "spokesmodels" ... whats wrong with Jennifer from BAH-STON...how are dem' apples!!! Okay, so I am from Boston myself so even thought I've spent a lifetime hating on the accent here, I do defend it to outsiders. Yep I'm a hypocrite and proud of it.
I was also happy the stripper... er excuse me... the bikini dancer ... made it. She seemed pretty put together (and I don't mean it in THAT way). But most of all, I'm glad Chantal made it. She's the winner folks... you heard it here first.
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9-20-2007 @ 9:39AM
Sorceressss said...
I have been waiting for ANTM to start ever since my daughter and I screamed in horror when Jaslene won the last cycle. I LOVE Tyra also, and am not ashamed to admit it either.
I am going to agree with JJ here, Heather all the way, I immediately liked her and I think she is very pretty. I just hope she can survive the house with the rest of the b*tches.
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9-20-2007 @ 9:45AM
Katie said...
I know you put the smily face, but do remember that ADHD is an actual disorder which does wreck havoc in peoples lives, not just a pharmacutical construct.
No one likes their hardships being mocked.
BTW, it's awesome seeing an aspie do this. I'm going to cringe and suggest social stories throughout this season, I'm sure. I've been working with aspies and auties for years.
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9-20-2007 @ 9:44AM
jessie said...
I sat on the couch and started watching the show. When Tyra came out, I told my kid, Justin - that as weird as she is with you know everything - there is something about her that I just love, on top of her being one of the most beautiful women in showbiz. I laughed when I read your thoughts on Tyra. I totally agree. I just love her.
My pick to win it - Lisa - though I am rooting for Heather, she is gorgeous, incredible eyes that are actually just as intense in her photos.
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9-20-2007 @ 10:39AM
pinkpearlhtml said...
Kathy,
Puleeze, I too have been working with ADHD kids for years. I am a teacher. Its funny...since I have been teaching the students that used to be considered immature, loud, class clowns, spaz etc. now have a "serious disease". IT IS made up by the medical profession that loves to label and over medicate everything. Give me a break. Get off your high horse and get over it. Everyone has something "serious" that someone is going to comment on or make fun of. Its life. That's the one thing I cant stand about this show. Everyone has to have a problem or an experience that they need to work out on here. I dont think I am beautiful...I was molested...I was scorned by my boyfriend...my friend died of an overdose...blah blah blah. Its a silly SILLY reality tvshow. Lets just keep it light. Tyra will act like a shrink. Its ridiculous. Which is why I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
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9-20-2007 @ 1:56PM
Madi said...
I absolutely love this show I've been watching it since cycle 1 and I just think that either Janet or Heather are going to win...they both have something about them that makes them seem like they can win. I love to watch this show too because I think Tyra is such a funny and outgoing person...when she got up on that table I was like "yup, there she goes again", haha. But yeah, my bet is Heather or Janet...
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9-20-2007 @ 3:03PM
bcarter3 said...
Where's Amber?
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9-20-2007 @ 3:34PM
Liza said...
ROFL bcarter3!
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9-20-2007 @ 4:04PM
FarmoingtonFans said...
JENAH, u are awesome. ur the prettiest girl there!!! FARMINGTON IS HERE FOR YA!!!!
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9-20-2007 @ 4:04PM
Bre said...
I want my girl from Jersey City to Win. She deserves it.
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9-20-2007 @ 4:12PM
JJ Hawkins said...
I'm getting reports that Amber was going to be on this cycle but her face was just too "blam, blam" for the cameras to handle...and then she cried.
Also, thanks Patrick for the kind words. And Kira! good to see you back. I always enjoy your take on the show.
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9-20-2007 @ 5:45PM
imdafnprincess said...
You guyz might not beleive me but that my home gurl ( BIANCA) on the show.. and think Ebony and her are gonna have it out but i guess time will tell im just mad that the rude girl had to be named Ebony like me ..go figured she is messing up the NAME lol..cant wat till the next show !
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9-20-2007 @ 7:28PM
d2hn2003 said...
I love ANTM. The show is awesome. My early pick is Janet, but it was a toss -up between her and Lisa. I hope Ebony leaves quick. I hate when bitchy people are on the show.
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9-20-2007 @ 10:49PM
jessica said...
i hope either Jenah or Victoria wins cause it would be nice to have someone from my home state of CT to win.
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9-20-2007 @ 8:38PM
Beth said...
I definately think saleisha is gorgeous but i have a feeling she won't win since she already knew tyra...i just want to see mila go home so i can see her be upset for once, she's too positve!
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9-20-2007 @ 9:30PM
Sonadora said...
I have to agree there is a lot to love about this show.
Janet certainly made it even more entertaining with her kitty wax and slap. I never considered that Tyra might be hot until that moment. The two of them, Yowza!
I can hardly wait for the rest of the season.
The judges rarely agree with my taste in womyn or who ANTM should be. I cringe when they elimanate the best, repeatedly, and I have been more than dissappointed a few times as to who they decided to give the title to.
My top pick for this season is Janet. I don't mean to hex you Janet, and I hope they don't through you out the door in the first few weeks because I voiced this out loud.
I don't usually settle on any one girl this early in the game. But Janet is hot and I think she would represent well. Good luck Janet!!!
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9-20-2007 @ 10:01PM
Rachael said...
I would just like to make a statement about the comment made in the story about ADHD and it being just a made up disease. I personally have ADHD and it really is a disease. It's not contagious or anything, but it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I think that people need to do a little research before making comments like that in a professional article.
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9-20-2007 @ 10:09PM
EMK said...
Heather, a very peculiar, slightly gangly girl with Aspergers Syndrome and ADHD. The former is a mild form of autism that among other things, causes people to be a little awkward in social situations. The latter is a "disease" concocted by the medical industry to describe people who can't sit still or focus. :)
These are incorrect descriptions of both Asperger's Disorder and ADHD.
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