TVSquad

Here's an easy way to get your wife mad at you: come home from a week of stand-up comedy gigs and announce that you can't take the baby right away because you have to liveblog the Emmys. Then, sit back, relax, and let the soothing sounds of Seacrest provide the background music for your wife telling you exactly what you can do with your "liveblog".

I'm expecting our time together tonight to make it all worth it, though. The VMA liveblog was among my favorite things I've ever done here at TV Squad. That being said, I'm still going to petition my editors here for combat pay.

On with the liveblog! (Check out the gallery list of Emmy pics.)

11:13 PM: Okay, kids, and with that I'm finished as well. Thanks for sticking with me. I hope to do some more liveblogs in the future (but, you know, hopefully next time it'll be a... good show.)

11:12 PM: And we're done. As the credits role, we're treated to a guitar riff that wouldn't be out of place on Eye on Springfield.

11:11 PM: "If the world were run by gangsters..." I think that ending to David Chase's speech was a good idea that wasn't quite executed all that well. Hey, wait a second, that's just like the end to the Sopranos!

11:10 PM: David Chase and Lorne Michaels have officially become the same person.

11:09 PM: Thank God.

11:08 PM: Outstanding Drama series is up now. If it's Boston Legal, I'm going to move to Panama.

11:07 PM: Thanks to this and the VMA liveblog, I've officially watched more commercials in the last week than I have in the three years since getting my TiVo. How do you non-TiVo people do it?

11:06 PM: Thanks gang for the sports updates in the comments. My son, who will one day be reading this blog, I'm sure, thanks you that you've given just a small bit of his father's masculinity back.

11:02 PM: 30 Rock grabs the win! Yes! I can't believe that a show that is actually funny won the award for best comedy. What does this mean for my perception of the world? Will politicians now stop lying? Will cars now start running not on gas but on rainbows and puppy-dog dreams? Will my comedy career now take off and allow me to wear purple fur coats and carry a scepter wherever I go?

11:02 PM: Thanks Mkarmin 1 for the Pats score update in the comments. Anyone know the Yankees score?

10:59 PM: Hey look, the Rock is staring in a new movie written by Awesome-O.

10:58 PM: M in Canada says the Field line that got censored was "we'd stop this Goddamn war." Thanks M.

10:57 PM: Really nice acceptance speech from Spader, but I can't be the only one who was shocked to hear "Spader" follow "James", right?

10:56 PM: I mean, seriously: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

10:55 PM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

10:54 PM: Gandolfini wins this. No need to even watch.

10:52 PM: Commenters, let me know -- I'm I really missing something great by not watching Ugly Betty? Because how could someone be funnier than Tina Fey in 30 Rock?

10:52 PM: I'm rooting for Tina Fey here, big time.

10:51 PM: Would it make me a bad person to crack a "Shatner has the bigger boobs" joke right now? Yeah, it probably would.

10:49 PM: The fine print on the Verizon "High Speed Internet For Life" ad says that if you sign up, you have a two-year minimum contract requirement. That means, no matter what, you can't die for two years if you buy their product. I knew that the cell companies have a lot of power, but this is ridiculous.

10:44 PM: Dead people being announced, so no jokes here. Let me take this moment to comment on the "blogger" that they talked to earlier in the show. I suppose he was there just so they could make a lame joke about blogging, but I'm getting a little tired of the stereotype that all bloggers are idiots/slackers/nerds. You should know that I only own one Star Trek commemorative plate and it's one with all the captains on it to save space. Take that, stereotypers.

10:43 PM: What did they just cut out? What would happen if the mothers really ruled the world? What could Sally Field be saying that's so damn dangerous, Fox?

10:41 PM: You mildly enjoy my work and voted for me by default. You really mildly enjoy my work and voted for me by default!

10:39 PM: "Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this award to our friend, Steve Carell." Just let these three men produce everything on television for a few weeks, okay?

10:39 PM: Another Sophie's choice category.

10:36 PM: "Al Gore's tears." "Flew here on your private jet sandwich." "Meander around three different cabins." "Then the earth wins." This exchange deserves its own Emmy as it's more entertaining than 95% of the award winners. I haven't seen a comedy duo this good... well, I'm going to have to go back to Seacrest and Walnuts.

10:35 PM: Colbert and Stewart. They just announced the names and I'm happy.

10:33 PM: Is this Tina Fey American Express commercial as funny as I think it is, or is my crush on Tina Fey clouding my judgment?

10:32 PM: Every time I see one of these "Wabanonwasamblosvah" commercials (you know, where the guy on the cell phone is being carted from place to place without the camera breaking from him), I keep expecting Jamoriqui to jump out and start singing "Virtual Insanity".

10:29 PM: Boo! Booooooooo Amazing Race. (Note: I don't watch The Amazing Race, but I do watch Top Chef and was really rooting for it. I feel like Padma and Chef Tom are my neighbors. My judgmental, judgmental neighbors.)

10:28 PM: I'm really enjoying this. Sure, it's only 4 minutes out of a twelve hour broadcast, but percentage wise, it's more than I enjoyed the VMAs.

10:26 PM: I might be punch-drunk, but I laughed like a crazy person during the announcement that the category would be "The Songs of Kanye West." I feel like Jesse Spano after she took all the caffeine pills.

10:24 PM: I prefer to remember Wayne Brady not as the cheesy host of a cheesy reality show, but as the angry pimp from the Dave Chapelle sketch. "Does Wayne Brady need to smack a b****?"

10:23 PM: Ryan Seacrest makes an ironic gay joke about himself and no one in the audience laughs. I'm just saying...

10:23 PM: Coming this fall on Fox: Gordon Ramsey yells at people!

10:21 PM: I've been doing this for two hours and twenty one minutes. I feel like I'm working on the bridge of the Battlestar Galactica and the Cylons keep attacking every 33 minutes.

10:17 PM: Greg Daniels! Very nice and very well deserved. Hey, in an unrelated note, I'll be blogging The Office again for TV Squad. No plugs or anything, but if you love The Office and you love snarky commentary, then you'll love my Office blogs. Check it out! Only on... TV Squad!

10:16 PM: Wow, is the comedy writing character loaded with big guns. I was giddy just watching those clips.

10:14 PM: Ugly Betty? Really? Really? Over "Gay Witch Hunt"? Reaaaaaaally? Excuse me, I'm off to stab out my own eye.

10:13 PM: "I'm not faking this, I really don't know what the hell I'm doing" -- might be the line of the night. Also, a fine catchphrase for what we've seen so far from the producers. Zing!

10:11 PM: If I said that I wanted Martin Landau to win, would that interest you?

10:09 PM: Tony Bennett wins again! Wow, the Emmys are so very culturally relevant! I can't tell you how many times I go to college campuses and see kids grouped together in front of their Bennett 78s. Colbert deserves to lose until he can capture youth mindshare like Bennett does.

10:08 PM: We've just passed the all-time Emmy record for most boob-related jokes. Congrats to all involved!

10:07 PM: How great would it be if, right now, Al Gore made a WWE-style heel flip? Like, he ripped off his tuxedo and he was wearing an Exxon t-shirt? Yes, I'm very bored right now.

10:05 PM: I'll be honest with you, it's been an hour since they've given an award out to any show or movie that I've actually seen. Is Current.TV green because no one watches it?

10:04 PM: I knew it! Superheroes use Apples!

10:03 PM: Walnuts and Seacrest -- the best comedy duo since, uh... uh... sorry, I dozed off there for a second.

10:01 PM: Puck and I found the same Kanye joke at the same time. Well played, my friend.

10:00 PM: Hour two down. If you're like me and have watched the entire broadcast so far, now might be a good time to reevaluate the decisions you've made in your life.

9:58 PM: Ooh! Kanye West is on the show later. How great would it be if he rushed the stage and demanded to know why he didn't win Outstanding Male Lead in a Dramatic Series. "But Kanye, you weren't nominated!" "Fox doesn't care about black people! I'm taking the Emmy!" I've got something to look forward to now, in hour three.

9:57 PM: A shoutout to Ryan in the comments: funny line about Mirren winning a Moonman!

9:56 PM: I wish someone would bury my soul at the broken trail. I'm so tired of these two movies and I haven't seen either of them. At least they didn't win this category, too.

9:55 PM: Ryan Seacrest just called both Kathryn Morris and Danny Pino "hot." I'll just let that simmer in your head.

9:52 PM: Lewis Black comes on. I'd like to take this opportunity to tell everyone who comes out to my comedy shows once and for all -- we're not related! I don't know how I feel about this particular performance. An iconoclastic comic comes on and gives a performance that only sounds iconoclastic (but is, indeed, just a bland reassurance of what everyone in the room is already thinking). I love Lewis Black, but this might be his Canyonero moment.

9:50 PM: I think we're officially at Emmy burnout. This is approximately the 900,000th award given out tonight. There's got to be a happy medium between this and the 4 awards given out at the VMAs, right?

9:49 PM: Well, my wife isn't mad at me anymore. It's weird, the second Patrick Dempsey came on, she got all quiet and focused and happy.

9:45 PM: I'm not sure if this a national commercial or not, but for the second time, we've been treated to the anti-insurance fraud commercial where the perpetrator of the fraud is suddenly a jerk in his daughter's eyes because he made a fraudulent claim. Yep, because if there's anyone who sides with the insurance companies, it's teenage girls. Who among us can forget the all-teeny-bopper protest of Michael Moore's Sicko. Hannah Montana singing "Hey, Ho, Leave those HMO's Alone!" It was beautiful.

9:43 PM: The highlight of the evening so far! The cast of The Sopranos comes out and James Gandolfini and Edie Falco rise up out of the trapdoor like they were Hamlet's ghost. I think the logical part of my brain just imploded.

9:41 PM: Ah, my favorite love song honoring creepy stalking.

9:39 PM: I love Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, but I always thought it was funny that the chorus of "Walk Like a Man" was sung in what can only be described as a testicle-less falsetto. Am I alone in this?

9:37 PM: Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee might be a great movie, but God, no movie made me more angry this year than that one. Does anybody else remember the dirty Memorial Day joke HBO pulled on us by airing BMHAWK instead of The Sopranos? Not since the Terrence and Phillip April Fool's day episode of South Park have I been more angry.

9:36 PM: Glen Close looks exactly like she did in 1982. Is there a picture somewhere of her, aging in a closet?

9:34 PM: My wife, apparently not understanding what a "live blog" is, asked me to come upstairs and "hang out." She's already mad at me, so I had to tread lightly explaining that I had to remain downstairs watching Ryan Seacrest and writing about him. Yep, the 59th Annual Emmys might lead to my first divorce. Thanks Fox!

9:31 PM: American Idol "educated and informed" viewers. When did this happen? Are they talking about "educating and informing viewers" about the great taste of Coke?

9:30 PM: Hey, the part that everyone loves at an award show: the awkward speech by the president of the academy. Now might be a good time to go to the bathroom.

9:29 PM: I feel at a disadvantage because, as a heterosexual man, I've never seen The Starter Wife.

9:28 PM: Another scoop: judging from Marcia Cross's dress, she'll be playing Wonder Woman in the big screen adaptation of the famous comic book.

9:27 PM: Ryan Seacrest just said, "people complain that there's nothing smart on television. I'd like to change that." Does that mean he's going to retire from TV!? You heard it here first!

9:26 PM: The second win for the Tony Bennett special! How dare people accuse the Emmy voters of being old and outdated!

9:25 PM: You gotta love any category that has The Kennedy Center Honors being announced right after The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner.

9:23 PM: It seemed like Steve's smile for his old boss was a genuine one. Perhaps the only genuine thing about the whole broadcast so far.

9:21 PM: Hey, look, it's the guy from Evan Almighty! I'm not sure if The Office bits actually fit into the broadcast, but they're hilarious, so they get a pass.

9:17 PM: I have the sudden urge to shop at Macy's while, at the same time, giving in to the easiest, most recognizable stereotype about myself. Why is that?

9:15 PM: This is a cheesy joke, but they shouldn't play the music to get him off, they should just make the screen go black.

9:14 PM: I hope that they start a "Explain the Ending" chant during Chase's speech.

9:12 PM: My good buddy, Brian Herzlinger will be disappointed at the best director win -- he's friends with Bill DeLia -- but the rest of the world will simply go, "Huh, well, good for him", and wait for the next category that they care about.

9:10 PM: Two "Hayden is 18" jokes in the same broadcast. The 59th Emmys should win next year for "Laziest Writing in a Variety Show".

9:07 PM: No offense, but looking at the Roots cast makes me realize just how far the miniseries has fallen as a genre. I mean, Roots was huge -- Broken Trail... well, let me ask you, commentators, how many of you have seen this flick?

9:04 PM: I'm sorry, but it takes a bit of the power of Roots away whenever I see Geordi LaForge in it.

9:03 PM: Queen Latifa wins my award for the woman that all logic dictates I should not find attractive, but that I strangely do. Hey, maybe they should make that an Emmy category next year!

9:00 PM: One hour down. Only forty seven left!

8:56 PM: I don't have any horses in this particular race, so I'm going to be happy that Bobby Duval won. I'm hoping for some Jack Palance style pushups right now.

8:55 PM: Kiefer's voice has that "I've been drinking Scotch for the last 21 hours straight" gruff to it, doesn't it?

8:53 PM: Alec "Little Pig" Baldwin is wearing his tuxedo from The Shadow. I love this man. Seriously, I do. I need to get help for myself.

8:51 PM: It bears repeating: who could have ever predicted seven years ago that Christina Aguilera would have wound up as the nation's sweetheart, dolled up like a superstar and singing next to Tony Bennett while Britney Spears would have become the nation's biggest belly-fatted train wreck? I mean, if you took the Vegas odds in 1999, you'd be swimming in dough right about now.

8:48 PM: If this Dennis Hopper commercial should happen to fall through a time warp and end up in the hands of Dennis Hopper circa 1969, we might be in real trouble: young Dennis Hopper would most likely kill himself at the thought of what he'd become and then our entire universe would be ripped apart in a cosmic paradox. On the bright side, it'd mean no Seacrest.

8:45 PM: By the way, if you're looking for coverage a bit less snarky than mine (though I can't imagine you would), AOL Television has their Emmy Awards coverage.

8:44 PM: O'Brien wins. I'm sure that'll upset some people, but really, any of these guys could have won and it wouldn't have been a travesty. Nice call back to the Katherine <unpronounceable> speech.

8:42 PM: This might be the hardest category in the entire show. Colbert vs. Stewart vs. O'Brien vs. Letterman vs. Maher?? This is like asking the dad from Just the Ten of Us to choose which of his hot daughters he loves the most.

8:41 PM: Can't think. Jennifer Love Hewitt.

8:40 PM: Okay, I'm mad Katherine <unpronounceable> won, so to make myself feel better, I'm gonna give you all a nice link: go check out the red carpet pictures.

8:39 PM: Crap! I liked having opposable thumbs. Now there's nothing separating me from the apes.

8:38 PM: If this doesn't go to Lorraine Bracco, I'm going to cut off one of my thumbs.

8:37 PM: I'm not saying that Adrian Grenier is a bad actor, but he looks uncomfortable playing himself.

8:35 PM: The best part of the show for me so far -- the clips montage. Funny stuff.

8:33 PM: I know it's silly, but I wished they would have said "And now, the host of the Ellen DeGeneres Show... Hugh Laurie!"

8:31 PM: After giving up a second Sunday night of football to liveblog the Emmys, it's right now, at this moment, during the "You can have only 4 periods a year" commercial that I officially have to hand in my membership into manhood card. I have to start buying the same hair products as Ryan Seacrest and worrying if my socks match. It was a fun run. I'm going to miss farting and scratching in public.

8:30 PM: Just got a nice link from AOL -- they've got a list of the 2007 Emmy award winners.

8:28 PM: "Jumped out of my limo to pee/Pants all of a sudden not fitting" -- I didn't know that Thomas Hayden Church was a 1950s beat poet. Now to present the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Dramatic Series is Allen Ginsburg.

8:27 PM: They should call Bury My Heart and Wounded Knee "That show you watched wondering what the hell happened to all the Sopranos that one Sunday."

8:25 PM: Hey, remember Poison Ivy 3? I do -- in fact, I'm remembering it right now. "Our little engine that could!"

8:24 PM: Our first clear cut case of wanting to set-fire-to-yourself robbery. How did Jenna Fischer lose?

8:22 PM: If Jenna Fischer wins and she stands up their with JLD and Tina Fey, my brain might explode.

8:21 PM: From Gidget to The Flying Nun to Brothers and Sisters - no offense to Sally Field, but we're not exactly talking about a James L. Brooks type legacy there, are we?

8:17 PM: It was just announced that Julia Louise Dreyfus and Tina Fey are announcing an award together. My government mandated creepy-meter just started beeping. Don't worry, no matter what, I won't make a "please make out with each other" comment.

8:15 PM: Getting a closer look at John Locke's tie now: is that one of those light-up ties, like your uncle wears at Christmas? I'm not trying to knock Terry's achievement here, but he looks like he should be doing magic with a giant white tiger.

8:12 PM: And the Emmy goes to: Jeremy Piven, Entourage. Good thing the award wasn't for "best shaver."

8:11 PM: I'm a sucker for a cheap sex/Sopranos joke, so sue me.

8:08 PM: Well that was weird! We just cut out of a Frasier joke. Either we had technical difficulties or Romano decided to make an inappropriate joke about Grammer's wife's Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

8:06 PM: I'm predicting right now that the phrase "hello Terri" will be 2007's metaphor for desperately pretending to be something you're not.

8:05 PM: Seacrest brags that he showed up early to host the pre-game show. The show is officially being hosted by the kid in 5th grade who reminds the teacher that "she forgot to assign homework."

8:04 PM: Seacrest does a monologue wearing a tuxedo tie that's only four white rectangles from being a piano tie.

8:02 PM: Celebrities laughing at themselves? I wonder if they were told ahead of time the lyrics -- I mean, if the Desperate Housewives ladies had their hearing aides turned up, there's a good chance they'd've gotten upset at the "65 year old" line and wheelchaired their way right out of the show.

8:00 PM: "Who reminds us that a sitcom doesn't need to make us laugh." I have to say that this is a nice way to start the show. Is it possible that this is indicative of a new, modern, ironic take on an awards show?