TVSquad

(S01E01/S01E02) Hey, have you heard? American Idol's Paula Abdul is the latest celebrity to have a reality TV show on Bravo and it's called Hey Paula. And I'm so sure that we're all going to see Paula in a brand new light after getting a peek into her private life.

Or maybe not. Look, I like reading the tabloids, scanning celebrity gossip blogs, and even reading celebrity autobiographies (I just completed autobiographies by Jane Fonda, Marlon Brando, and Anne Heche). But when it comes to celebrity reality TV, it's almost like "you've seen one, you've seen them all." Do we really need another celebrity reality show? Or are some things better left unseen and unknown?

For some reason, Paula is happy to allow us into her world. I guess she thinks we're all dying to watch her housekeeper clean up massive amounts of dog poo. Seriously, is this entertaining for anyone? Unless Mike Rowe is cleaning up poo on Dirty Jobs, I just don't care. Poo aside, in the first episode of Hey Paula, Ms. Abdul comes off as something of a spoiled, self-absorbed drama queen. And that ditzy act we see on American Idol is pretty much her normal state of mind.

And like all celebrity reality shows, Hey Paula just confirms certain truths about celebrities. On the outside their lives seem way more exciting than ours, but underneath they really are just as lame and boring as us regular folks. Only they don't know it. Seriously, all reality TV celebrities appear to be driven, narcissistic, childlike, and needy. In fact, they're so driven that they do not sleep. They're so narcissistic that they think we want to watch them order Starbucks. They're so childlike that they can't pack their own luggage and they have temper tantrums when things don't go their way. And they're so needy that they need attention ALL THE TIME. And that's why they've agreed to let cameras follow their every needy move.

Paula Abdul starts her show by telling us that she's an ordinary girl, just like everyone else, who has "good days" and "bad days." She's surrounded by the usual group of reality TV friends (A.K.A paid assistants and a publicist). Nobody in reality TV seems to have actual friends that aren't on the payroll. Which just points out that they really aren't like us.

Episode One could be called "Poor Paula" because Paula seems to be the victim of her own life. And this episode is one big pity party. Paula is appearing at The Grammys and then has to fly to Philly to sell her jewelry on QVC. And Paula is very nervous about what to wear to The Grammys because she somehow always ends up on the worst dressed list. Plus, she's worried about what Joan Rivers will say.

DRAMA #1: Paula "worked her ass off" designing clothes and jewelry for the Bratz Movie (an Oscar contender for sure) but nobody has returned her calls for two months. And now -- the night of The Grammys -- they call demanding to see the designs IMMEDIATELY. Paula babbles about being "beaten down" and remaining "a warrior." Blah blah blah. Poor Paula.

DRAMA #2: There's less than two hours until Paula's flight to Philly and her assistants can't find her and she isn't answering her cell. If they miss the flight, they'll miss QVC, and the universe will collapse into itself (because people will not have their crappy Paula/QVC jewelry). Meanwhile, Paula is wandering downtown in her Valentino gown, tripping, and smiling for her adoring fans. For a dancer, Paula is not too steady on her feet.

DRAMA #3: Paula's assistants screwed up royally!! They didn't pack her sweatpants. WTF? Apparently, good help is hard to find. With less than 30 minutes until her flight, Paula makes her assistants go through her luggage outside the limo searching for comfy jeans and white tennis shoes. I half expect her to start screaming "I told you NO wire hangers!" Unfortunately, Poor Paula is unable to get any sleep on the plane since she has to wear her tightest pants.

Drama #4: Once at QVC, Paula begins unraveling because the jewelry isn't what she approved. Apparently, the indentation on the key bracelet isn't "her vision." What is wrong with these people? Are they all out to "get" Poor Paula? I know Paula wants to show us that she's an involved businesswoman in this scene. She wants us to see that she takes this job seriously and that she personally designs this stuff. But it's just funny to watch someone get upset over "her vision" on crappy QVC jewelry.

Luckily, all her stuff sells out, and everyone at QVC is jubilant. Paula must turn around and go back to LA on the first flight. According to her publicist she's had no sleep. Paula says that although the last couple of days have been "insanely busy," she wouldn't have it any other way.

Okay, here's a thought. She never sleeps. She plows forward at full speed. She often doesn't make sense. She's jittery and hyper like a monkey high on crack. Has anyone ever thought that perhaps Paula Abdul is manic?

On the positive side, Paula can be funny at times (not Kathy Griffin funny, but wacky funny). She jokes about not having a hit record since Bill and Hilary were having sex. She also jokes that she should have asked Joan Rivers on the red carpet, "What doctor is your face wearing?" I also found it amusing when she described Simon Cowell to the people at QVC (especially the part about the Beavis and Butthead haircut). But most of the time she's just funny because she's so out of touch with reality. Was she always this way? Ken Levine swears she wasn't. But now she is and I feel like we're laughing at her -- and not with her.

Episode Two could have been called "Dopey Paula." I don't want to make accusations, but she appears to be under the influence of something throughout the episode. In this busy episode, Paula flies to NYC to accept a Fashion Icon Award, research perfume for her new fragrance line, and do press for American Idol.

At the beginning of the episode, Paula is excited, and feels like she's starting her career all over again. She has to give a speech, but she can't focus on it. She starts babbling about being tired and hungry, and wanting matza ball soup. And although she's running late for the award, she takes her sweet time (shaking hands with the hotel staff) while Project Runway's Tim Gunn extends her introduction. Hey, it sure is convenient that Paula is receiving an award from one of Bravo's other stars.

At the podium, Paula is handed her speech upside down (and the pages out of order). But she pulls it off. Because she's A PRO! And everyone seems to love her! And the paparazzi are lined up when she exits and she loves it. Then she giggles and goes for Starbucks which she clearly doesn't need because she is jumpy and manic and needs to sleep (since she claims she hasn't had more than one hour of sleep at a time for the last six days).

On Day Two in NYC, Paula goes to smell fragrances at Firmenich and acts really loopy. Her eyes are barely open and she's starting to slur her words. Plus, she begins feeling up some guy in the lab. Once in the limo, Paula admits she is overstimulated, exhausted, giddy, and hyper. Is this a lifestyle we're supposed to covet? Because honestly, I want to take a nap just watching this craziness.

And Paula's crazy behavior is about to get worse. On Day Three, Paula takes part in the American Idol press tour junket. She has to provide about 40 live satellite interviews. And yes, these are the infamous interviews in which Paula was accused of being drunk or high on something. Her publicist can't explain why her behavior is so erratic and bizarre except to say, "it has to be from lack of sleep." He admits this is the worst time for it to catch up with her. Yeah, you think? When your client is acting like a drunken lunatic, you might want to cancel her interviews and reschedule. Just a thought.

To the show's credit, they don't sugarcoat the incident. They show several clips of news reporters mocking Paula's behavior. Next week, we're promised that Paula reacts to the incident and tries to set the record straight.

The only problem is that I don't know if I'll be tuning in next week. If there's interest from enough people, I'll continue to cover the show for TV Squad. But, it's not on my top list of priorities to watch for pleasure. I'd rather be catching up on my summer reading or listening to 18 hours of commentary on my Freaks & Geeks DVDs. I just get bored very quickly when watching celebrities bask in their own self-importance. Don't you?