TVSquad

Welcome to TV Squad Lists (formerly 'The Five'), a feature where each blogger has a chance to list his or her own rundown of things in television that stand out from the rest, both good and bad.

I'm honestly not even sure how I came up with this, but there are a ton of medical dramas and comedies on TV. That means there's a lot of TV doctors, both past and present. So why not have some of them do battle? I think it seems incredibly logical. Peanut butter and jelly. Hot dogs and beans. TV doctors and cage-matches. So there... because I said so.

Now, with so many shows out there, some people may be wondering why I didn't choose doctors from some of the programs you'd expect. For instance, I stayed away from pitting any of the members of Grey's Anatomy in a battle royale because I figured if any of them got into a fight with someone, it'd just turn into an unexpected sex romp. By the same token, I didn't pick anyone from St. Elsewhere figuring that any fight involving someone from that show would just evolve into an inside joke that only a few people understood. Additionally, not every character I picked is from a straight up "medical" show and in one instance, I'm not sure they're actually even a doctor. Whatever... it sounds fun doesn't it?

Fight #1: Dr. Jennifer Melfi [The Sopranos] vs. Dr. Elliot Kupferberg [The Sopranos] -- This one just makes sense to me. Every time Dr. Melfi goes to her own therapist, she's generally in a horrible mood after a session with Tony. Maybe it's just me, but Dr. Kupferberg never seems to have anything good to say to his patient. As far as I'm concerned, it's only a matter of time before she throws a punch at her apparently inept doctor. Elliot better watch out, because Melfi would destroy him. She's got those big calves to plant her footing and he's tiny and frail. The guy would never see it coming.

Fight #2: Dr. Kerry Weaver [ER] vs. Dr. Gregory House [House] -- OK, now before someone says it, no I did not pit these two together because they both have walking disabilities. This one has nothing to do with the fact that they could just beat each other to death with their canes and crutches. I squared off House and Weaver against each other because they might be the two most unpleasant TV doctors I've ever seen. If we threw them in the ring together, I'm not even sure they would fight. Physically, anyway. Verbally, the two of them would demolish each other because neither of them have ever been short for words when it comes to a quick retort or insulting remark.

Fight #3: Dr. Nick [The Simpsons] vs. Dr. Katz [Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist] -- This one would just be hilarious. Dr. Katz tries so hard to stay calm with his patients and Dr. Nick is, well... I think "Hi everybody!" says it all. I honestly don't think Katz would be able to keep his cool in the same cage as Nick. As far as who would win, I'll give the edge to Katz assuming that "squiggle-vision" is contagious. If Nick got all wobbly from that, he'd be done. What do you do when your whole body shakes but you don't actually move? I'll tell you what yo do. You lose cage-matches.

Fight #4: Dr. Christian Troy [Nip/Tuck] vs. Dr. Robert Rey [Dr. 90210] -- This is where I started getting a little creative. Rey actually is a doctor and stars in his own reality series. Troy is just a fictitious character on an FX show. They have two things in common though. They're both plastic surgeons and they're both complete jerks. Only seems appropriate that they should fight it out for the glory of being the biggest a-hole in the land of fake boobs. This could be fun. I'm thinking the cage is actually padded and they have to throw implants at each other. I've actually held one before. If you took one of those in the face at full speed, it's gonna knock you over.

Fight #5: Dr. Al Robbins [CSI] vs. Dr. Sid Hammerback [CSI: NY] -- Duel of the nerdy medical examiners. Notice I didn't throw in Dr. Alexx Woods from CSI: Miami... she'd kick both these guys butts. As far as Al and Sid go, would they even fight? I think they might just skip the punching and the kicking and instead try and match wits. However, if any fists were thrown, I'll side with Doc Robbins. He looks feisty and Sid is kind of scrawny. He does have those cool glasses that snap together at the nose though, so maybe he'd see it coming.

Fight #6: Beakman [Beakman's World] vs. Bill Nye [Bill Nye: The Science Guy] -- Here's what I was talking about earlier. I'm not even sure these guys count as doctors. But they both wear lab coats, so that's good enough for me. Both helmed shows where kids learned about things you can do besides make a baking soda volcano. Both were annoying if you ask me. Beakman fell off the face of the earth while Bill has resurfaced and guest-starred in a handful of Numb3rs episodes. I want to see them fight. Then they can give me the specifics of blood droplets as gravity pulls them from your bloodied nose. Or they can at least make something explode... that's always fun too.