TVSquad

(S08E08) Okay, in a slight departure from the norm, because we're just over the halfway point of the season, and because I was feeling inspired, I decided it was time to hand out some mid-season awards and titles to the contestants as they related to this episode.

Before the season began, if someone told me I'd be able to churn out 600-700 words an episode on a show like this, I'd have laughed in their face, but here we are pushing 1300.

Without further ado.

The Stephen Crane, Red Badge of Courage award goes to:

Brittany, who actually had a "red badger of discouragement", killed and removed from her scalp this week.

I think the show's producers did her quite the injustice by forcing her to be at war with a a live mammal for half the season.

I think Brit showed a lot of heart making it this far considering she was at such a disadvantage. If she made it this far in pain, it'll be interesting to see how well she fairs in good health.

The To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Cha Cha Rodriguez award goes to:

Jaslene, who is stuck with the drag queen title for better or for worse.

I'm thinking it's mostly for worse since most of the criticism she's received in recent weeks has specifically mentioned her draggish tendencies.

I considered giving her the "Transamerica, I'm Felicity Huffman dressed up as a man, dressed up as a woman, who wants a sex change award", but I'm 90% sure Jaslene is actually a woman.

As my wife said, "Jaslene, you did this to yourself."

The Jennifer Love Hewitt / Jessica Alba / Rachel Leigh Cook I can't really act, but I'm pretty and have charisma which will help me make it in this industry award goes to:

All the models because none of them could really act, but specifically, this one goes to my girl Renee.

Can it really be considered acting when you're simply acting like you normally act? She cried a bit and threw a tantrum. That's not acting for Renee. That's a Wednesday.

The I should be legally forced to change my name to Pedro Ramirez and permanently take on his mannerisms and personality award goes to:

Efren Ramirez. It's not that I don't like Efren. The problem is when he's not Pedro, I don't think I care.

We should enact a Constitutional Amendment that requires Efren to grow back the mustache and talk like Speedy Gonzalez's drunk mouse friend whenever he's in public.

I think this would actually work out better for him career-wise.

The "I'm on America's Next Top Model and all I got was this &#*@&^% T-shirt" award goes to:

The recipients of the "I Voted For" T-shirts. First Pedro as a guest star, then this. For a second I thought the producers had exhausted their entire budget and were going to be forced to utilize D-list actors for guest appearances and hand out silk-screened prizes for the rest of the show.

Turns out they were also able to fork up the money for a couple of plane tickets so Renee and Dionne could see their family. Wow, that beats a $50,000 bracelet any day of the week...

I can see the promos for next weeks show already:

"Next week on America's Next Top Model. Guest appearance by the guy who played Mike Seaver's little brother on Growing Pains. And for the prize? The winner of the contest gets to talk to Tyra Banks."

The I was right, the commenters were wrong award goes to:

Me. For all you people that said Natasha was childless and that she was talking to her dog in a previous episode, you might have been right. Nonetheless, she does have a child and she shed some serious tears when she didn't win the opportunity to see her.

I was glad that she pulled out of the emotional slump and really nailed her photo shoot. Big ups to Natasha. I still think she's a contender to win this thing.

The title of America's Next Top Baby's Mama goes to:

I'm not sure yet on this one, but it's either Renee (have I mentioned I pick her to win?), Dionne, or Natasha. Three contestants with kids. Isn't that unprecedented in this series?

The "did you know Sara is a photographer" award goes to:

Me again. How many times can I mention that I picked Renee to win this thing? I promise to chop my fingers off if I type this again before the finale.

The George W. Bush "I say some really intelligent and witty things, but I also say some really stupid things too" award goes to:

Dionne. Some examples from this weeks episode:

"I don't speak Jamaican at all. "
"What the &#*@ is wrong with my baby's hair?"
"Seeing my baby has made me extra happier."
"I ain't a lesbo."
"I'll give you a hug but that kissing sh*t? I don't even kiss my own boyfriend."

Quality stuff. Which brings us to...

The contestant most likely to leave her husband and get a girlfriend when she returns home award.

Was it me, or was Dionne extremely convincing during her photo shoot. She even said she enjoyed it much more than she thought she would. Dionne may not want to admit it, but deep down she loves the ladies.

Also, I'd make the obligatory comment about how hot this scene was, but that would be too obvious a thing to say, so I won't say it, even though I just said it.

Honorable Mention: I don't think she has a husband, but if she did, Jael gets honorable mention for basically feeling Rebecca up during the "I just fainted" photo shoot. This wasn't hot either, except it really was.

The "I like to ruin cultural icons for everyone" award goes to:

The people in the comments who keep mentioning that they've seen Miss J selling pancake batter. That's just wrong, but even I can't deny there is a striking resemblance.

I mean, throw a ruffled dress on Aunt Jemima and she's a spitting image of Miss J, or is it the other way around?

I wonder if Aunt Jemima can sue Miss J for trademark infringement. That would be a groundbreaking case.

The Jessie Spano, "I've been on drugs for a long time and no one noticed until A.C. Slater did an intervention" award:

I vaguely recall an episode of Saved by the Bell where Elizabeth Berkely's character was all cracked out on uppers for an entire episode - until Mario Lopez's character does an intervention.

Put Jael in the above scenario, and change the drug to a cocktail of Oxycotin, paint thinner, and a sprinkle of Carbon Monoxide and we've basically got the same thing going on here.

That's why she gets this award. Jael, somehow managed to make it all the way to this point in the competition without any of the judges mentioning the fact that she talks like her mouth was just attacked by a swarm of killer bees, and I'm not even going to mention her stellar use of the English language.

Tyra performed the intervention in this instance and was right when she said Jael had what Whitney lacked and vice versa. She's been pretty on-point all season with her assessment of the contestants.

And finally - The Short Circuit, "Johnny 5 is alive" award goes to:

Renee. Who knew that beneath all the circuitry, silicone, wiring, screws, heat-sinks, and bitchiness that a real live human being lived inside of that metallic exterior?

I admit I was wrong with the whole ten minutes into the show she'll piss someone off comment from last week.

She truly made an effort to lighten up a bit and you could tell the other girls really appreciated it, despite the fact that it all came off as a little artificial.

The award show is over.

I was happy to see Whitney leave this week. She really hasn't done anything for me all season despite being a very pretty girl. I liked Nigel Barker's description of how she's beautiful, but loses her grace the second a camera is brought to a photographer's face.

If you couldn't tell, I found this episode immensely entertaining and give it a 6 out of 7 stars. Can't wait to see the next one.