TVSquad

What can I say about The Sci-Fi Channel's new show Painkiller Jane? Well, it certainly isn't well-written, well-acted, attention-getting, on par with Battlestar Galactica, or a fine replacement for Stargate SG-1. None of those phrases would describe this show. However, these would: bad acting, bad writing, extremely boring (both my wife an I fell asleep) and not a very good addition to the Sci-Fi Friday schedule. Now, I could be jaded here since the preview DVD I was sent showed rough cuts of the show. Nah, who am I kidding? The show is just bad!

All right, all right, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here, so let me explain the show. Painkiller Jane is based on the comic book series of the same name, which was created by Jimmy Palmiotti and Joe Quesada (now boy Editor-In-Chief of Marvel Comics) back in 1995. For fans of the series, which featured Jane as a vigilante who has extraordinary healing powers (but still feels the pain of her injures, hence the name of the comic book and TV show), you will not recognize the show. Same thing goes for you fans of the Painkiller Jane movie that premiered on Sci-Fi in 2005. In that one Jane is a member of a Special Forces Unit who gains healing powers as well as every other super-human ability.

This time around Jane Vasko (played by Kristanna Loken) is a former DEA agent who is 'recruited' by a covert government organization to help track down 'Neuros' -- genetically-enhanced super-humans with special mind powers. The abilities vary: one person has the ability to resurrect the dead, another can manipulate human minds to perform acts of murder, while still yet another can make a person think that Star Jones is actually looking good right now. While in the course of her initial investigation with her new employees, she is attacked by one of her comrades, who is being controlled by a Neuro, and ends up making a swan dive from the 46th floor of a office building, killing her instantly.

Or so we think. It turns out that Jane can heal herself of these horrific wounds. This is good, because if she didn't this would be an extremely short series (which may have actually been okay. Stop it, Rich, Stop it!). So, not only is she hunting Neuros, but she's now trying to figure out why she has these powers, and if there is any connection to the Neuros in any way.

It sounds like an interesting concept, but it goes bad in soooo many ways. Let's begin with Jane. Raise your hands if you've seen one too many blonde-haired, blue-eyed, leather jacket-wearing, risk-taking, tough-as-nails agents of the law who think their poop don't stink. Yeah, that's what I thought. Guess what? Jane is all of that stuff, plus she doesn't have a good relationship with her father. How original! Here she is, recovering from injuries that resulted from a 46-story fall to her death, and she goes back to her apartment for a drink. I'm sorry, if that happened to me I'd want to lie down for a bit while the screaming stopped in my head.

Let's talk about those healing powers for a second. The DVD preview I was sent came with two episodes. Her powers were barely shown in both. This is particularly true in the second episode, which barely alluded to her abilities. As the show is called Painkiller Jane you would think that they would show her getting shot, knifed and exploded on a regular basis. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jane isn't that happy she has these powers now. In fact, through the magic of voice-overs (which is such a fresh concept) we learn that Jane feels very much like the two-headed stepchild right now. If I could re-heal myself I'd be lighting my hand on fire just to see what happens afterward.

Moving onto the covert government organization she works with. Its leader is the stereotypical senior hard-ass who was part of some former Special Ops thingee before he joined the Neuro search. Then there's the stereotypical strong, dumb guy who thinks it's stupid to have a girl on the team. Then there's the stereotypical computer expert who thinks he's smarter and better than all of the other IT people out there. By the way, this reminds me of something . . . why do all 'computer experts' out there type really fast on their keyboards to bring up 3-D displays of building schematics? Haven't they heard of a mouse?

Look I know I sound rough here, and it's hard to gage a show after only seeing two episodes. Hell, this thing could improve greatly and we could be talking about an Emmy sweep years down the line. However, I don't think that's going to happen. Painkiller Jane is just a terrible show that should have never made it on the Sci-Fi schedule. So, when it comes on watch it when you can because it may be gone before you blink.