TVSquad

This is the first in a 376-part series* in which I try to better myself, and in turn better the rest of you, by turning to the font of information known as television, courtesy of this other font of information known as the internet.

It is my belief that everything we need to know can be learned from television. We have relied too heavily on books for too long, and it's time we stopped reading and started accepting everything TV tells us.

Today, let us all learn about Christianity, one of the three Abrahamic religions along with Judaism and Islam:

As Night Ranger clearly sings in their song, "Sister Christian": Motor Trend, what's your price for flies? I've been told this is not actually what the band is singing, but those people don't have my trained ear, which can not only hear words no one else can, but can also hear words people aren't really saying. I'm not sure what this tells us about Christianity, so maybe we should start simple:

Christianity is rife with symbolism, allegory and metaphor, which makes it difficult to wrap one's brain around. This episode of Super Chicken --possibly the most religious show ever next to Davey and Goliath and The Flying Nun-- demonstrates how Christians must do what they can to help their local church raise money (the bunny borrows money from the bank) while thwarting those who try to stop us from expressing our religious convictions: the titular Super Chicken, clearly a metaphor for secular humanism.

Fred Rogers, as many of you know, was a Presbyterian minister, and while his show was never overtly religious, it certainly lived by a code of love, honor, family and friendship. This clip appears to be about Donkey Kong, but pay close attention: Mario is a carpenter (Jesus) climbing a building to rescue his agnostic girlfriend from Donkey Kong (evolution). I think the barrels are filled with copies of The Origin of Species.

So what have we learned? We've learned that Christianity is a complex religion that only television can truly explain, and that Jesus eventually became an Italian plumber. The brief time you took to watch these videos has now instilled you with all you need to know to teach Sunday School. You're welcome.

*or until I grow bored with the concept.