TVSquad

(S06E14) Lana has a stalker! Or alternatively titled, "The Lana Lingerie Issue" since she's in a nightie for about half the show. How long has it been since we've had one of these episodes? Quite a while. This stalker likes to send camera phone pictures to Lana on her Sprint Product Placement Powered Phone. However, when that phone has potentially earth-shattering evidence on it, you don't just hand it over to your megalomaniacal boyfriend and tell him to check it out. Seriously, what camera phone takes pictures that are that clear, especially when you blow 'em up to an 8" x 10"? Anyhow, nice work Lana, maybe you'll get yourself back to that girl who had so much spunk and moxie.

However, once again Chloe is stuck in the middle of things again while she checks out Lana's picture, and interfaces with Clark. How can she stand it? She just needs to spill the beans to Lana, thereby saving everyone the trouble of running around in circles. However, knowing Clark's secret gets you one of two things: either you don't appear much on the show anymore, or you get relegated to Pete Ross-land -- never to be seen again. They don't even get postcards or phone calls from wherever he got exiled to.

It's about time Lana went looking for some answers on her own, she's been really complacent with Clark for way too long. Remember when she used to look into things, trying to steal that map from Lex, and was almost as investigative about this as Chloe? Those days have been over for a long time ... but they might be on the way back. Lana's going to have to find something out about her baby sooner or later, and then she'll need those skills to be totally honed again.

In fact, she's going down that road on her own already. Trying to hack into Chloe's computer, snooping through Clark's room ... in fact, what was she doing at the Kent home? Don't you think that would miff Lex just a bit? "Hi honey, I'm home!" -- "Um, Mr. Luthor, she's at the Kent Farm." Ouch, zing to the heart. Then Lex dials up 33.1 and unleashes them on Clark. Bing, bang, boom: massive fight. Well, that's my fantasy second-half of the episode. Sadly, it's not what actually happened, but I can dream, can't I?

Okay, I'm going to go off on a bit of a rant here. How screwed up is Lex's security? I mean, people seem to break into his mansion on a weekly basis, yet he hardly does anything about it. Sure he has a "security team" now, but it would be gracious to say that they make The Three Stooges look like geniuses. Wouldn't he have the whole place on S.W.A.T.-style lockdown by now? Lana is pregnant with his baby, after all. They seem to let people waltz in left and right, and as far as getting a clearance to actually work on his security detail, their background checks look like Swiss cheese.

Just don't get me started on how many times Lana has been conveniently knocked out on the show. She'd have some serious brain damage by this point. I'm just trying to ignore that fact and be happy with the new and improved Lana. Although not too improved ... she seems super-slow to catch on to the fact that her security goon is a psycho. Although to her credit, once she finds out, she does kick some serious ass. Even if Clark does have to catch her in the end.

The good news is, Clark and Lana are back! It's about darn time. On a lesser note, Chloe and Jimmy are back too. Granted, Sullivan needs some lovin', so I'm calling this a good thing too. Plus, we've got Lex in full douchebag mode by the episode's end, so everything is slowly but surely returning to normal. Now if Jonathan Kent could just come back to life, we'd really have something.

Quotes of the show:

• Chloe: "The papparazzi's in a fever pitch, and Lex jets off on a field trip?" Clever, disguising the fact that yes ... he's not in tonight's episode much. Yes, he's willing to jet off and leave his pregnant wife behind.
• Jimmy (to Clark, about Chloe): "If you hurt her, I don't care how impossibly gigantic you are, I will chop you down like a cherry tree, and that ain't no lie."
• Security guard: "What are you doing here?" Clark: "Your job."