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(S06E02)We're in Seattle for episode two, and it is raining cats and dogs. That doesn't stop nine thousand hopefuls from standing outside all day to wait their turn to shine. By now, most of us have already heard that the Seattle contestants were the worst ever in Idol history.

But it doesn't seem that bad on my end. Maybe I'm easily amused. Or maybe I'm just happy that Paula is awake and coherent tonight. Randy also seems in a better mood. And Simon is barely rude to contestants who clearly need to have their delusions shattered.

APOLLO CREED #2: Brandon Groves (26) is first up in Seattle and he's our SECOND Apollo Creed of the season. He appropriately sings "God Bless America." It turns out Brandon is a repeat audition offender. Last year, he sang "I Shot the Sheriff" in his police uniform. Simon takes one look at him entering the room and complains, "It's going to be a long day." As he exits, Paula wonders aloud if next time he'll come dressed as an Indian Chief. And we get verification that Paula does indeed possess the ability to speak.
FINAL VERDICT: NO

THE HOTNESS: Jennifer Chapton (23) come with her own moniker, "The Hotness." She compares herself to Mariah Carey (don't they all?). Paula has to remind her to remove her gum before singing (wow Paula spoke again). The Hotness is scary looking with freaky-looking plump lips. Simon says: "You were all over the place. It was a terrible audition." She tells Simon he doesn't know anything about music. Paula loves her feisty attitude. Randy thinks she's awful too.
FINAL VERDICT: NOT HOT

THE STAY AT HOME MOM: Amy Salgado (23) shares how her non-supportive husband told her she's wasting her time trying out for Idol. I want to call that man and give him a piece of my mind, until she sings and I realize he may have been trying to spare her this humiliating experience. She blames a cold for her poor performance. Simon says: "I think you have worse than a cold." She gets a drink of water and tries again, and she's still bad. Simon insults her again, and Paula punches him. And we get verification that Ms. Abdul is indeed awake and back to being playful-punching Paula.
FINAL VERDICT: HUBBY WAS RIGHT. TIME TO GO HOME.

THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL: Darwin Mischa Reedy (27) has frizzy fried-bleached blond hair, bright red lipstick, and large saggy boobs, desperately in need of a bra. She tells the judges that she wrote a novella about a singing competition. The freak flag is definitely flying on this one. So it's appropriate that she sings the lines "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" She brings in her mom and it becomes apparent where she got her looks and her freak flag.
FINAL VERDICT: BUH-BYE BOMBSHELL

THE COCKY KID: Thomas Daniels (21) appears to be cocky, too cocky. I instantly want him to fail miserably. He's back for his third audition with Idol, hoping that the "third time will be the charm." He sings "Arms of a Woman" and I have to admit that he's good. The judges like him, especially Randy who tells him several times that he likes his fro.
FINAL VERDICT: HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!
My prediction: He could be a Final 12 Contender.

Outside the audition room Paula holds a Chihuahua and jokes, "If Simon and I ever have a baby, this is what it will look like." Wow, Paula's on a roll. First talking, and now joking. Way to go.

THE GOOFY GIRL: Melissa Stavros (22) is a larger woman dressed in a wacky outfit with "pink" legs and arms. Simon looks confused when she enters the room. Randy gets her to sing, "I Like Big Butts." Then she sings a Christina Aguilera song, and it isn't as bad as I expect it to be. Still, they quickly dismiss her. I hate how they treat the girls who aren't thin, blond, and cute. If she looked like last night's flirty-Shakira-girl, Simon definitely would have smiled, and asked her to stick around and try another song.
FINAL VERDICT: SORRY

THE BEATBOXER: Blake Lewis (25) calls himself a "beatboxer." I have no idea what that is, but he gives us a sample, and I learn something new from watching TV. Then he sings Seal's "Crazy." Simon Says: "You're good, you're just very over-the-top." Randy tells him that his beatboxing is better than his singing. Paula loves him because Paula seems to LOVE everyone tonight.
Paula: I'm going to go on the record, I love you, I think you're really talented.
Simon: I think you're easily pleased, Paula
Simon says nay, but Randy and Paula put him through to Hollywood.
FINAL VERDICT: SEE YOU IN L.A.

THE BROTHER AND SISTER: These two are adorable. Their dad was a classical Indian musician.

Shyamali Malakar (19) sings "Summertime" and no surprise, Paula loves her. Simon doesn't think she's anything special. But Randy's vote is enough to get her a golden ticket. It's 8:55 PM and we finally have a girl going to Hollywood.
FINAL VERDICT: YEAH, BABY

Sanjaya Malakar (17) has a terrific smile and pleasant attitude. He sings Stevie Wonder, and Paula does her weird applauding thing. Simon tells Sanjaya that his sister has the stage presence, but he has the voice.
FINAL VERDICT: COLLECT YOUR GOLDEN TICKET

THE SUPERGEEK: Nicholas Zitzmann (27) is a software engineer from Utah (and he is sporting big Osmond-sized teeth). He brags that he's a self-taught musician. His co-workers encouraged him to try out for Idol, and I have to believe that they were totally goofing on him. He butchers one of Simon's favorite tunes, "Unchained Melody." Simon says, "It was almost non-human."
FINAL VERDICT: DUDE, DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB

THE LAST CONTESTANT OF DAY ONE: Rudolpho Cardenas (28) is originally from Venezuela, but now lives in L.A. He sings Journey's "Open Arms" and I immediately have flashbacks to the 1980s. I think he rocks, but Simon says no. Paula is feeling the love once again, and Randy agrees to send him to Hollywood.
FINAL VERDICT: SEE YOU BACK IN L.A.

At the end of Day One, only seven contestants make it through to Hollywood. Then they work in Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" because American Idol knows how to beat a dead horse.

On Day Two the sun comes out, but the Seattle contestants are not happy that Simon told the press they were the "the worst bunch of miserable contestants EVER."

Today we meet two special friends, who met during the Idol auditions and have become each other's biggest supporters. They are Kenneth "Bush Baby" Briggs and Jonathan "Augustus Gloop" Jayne.

BUSH BABY: Kenneth Briggs (23) is skinny and has large, bulging eyes. He says that he's been compared to Justin Timberlake. He sings "Tearing Up My Heart" by N'Sync and Randy and Paula lose it. Paula actually turns her chair away from him to laugh. Simon says: You look a little odd, your dancing is terrible, the singing was horrendous, and you look like one of those creatures that lives in the jungle with those massive eyes. What are they called? Bush Baby." It's a little mean to tell the guy he looks like a monkey. But at least Paula thinks he is adorable.
FINAL VERDICT: SORRY, BABY

AUGUSTUS GLOOP: Jonathan Jayne (20) is chubby and kind of resembles Augustus Gloop from Willie Wonka so I stick him with that unfortunate moniker. He also wears a very loud Hawaiian shirt and sings "God Bless America." His friend, Kenneth, listens outside the door with Ryan Seacrest and thinks that Jonathan, "sounds real good." Paula says: "You have a great personality, I don't think this competition is right for you." Simon is actually nice in his rejection. Outside the room, Jonathan claims, "They would make a ton of money if I got on that show."
FINAL VERDICT: NO GOLDEN TICKET FOR AUGUSTUS GLOOP

TAYLOR HICKS-ALIKE: Eric Chapman (28?) is a hairdresser with salt-and-pepper hair and a strong resemblance to last year's Idol, Taylor Hicks. He even tries to imitate Taylor's moves, but is more spazzy, if that's possible. He sings "Drift Away" and I wish that I could drift away. Simon asks: "Is this serious? Are you drunk?"
FINAL VERDICT: HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

SECURITY ALERT! Things get exciting for a minute when Taylor Hicks-Alike takes out some hair product and tries to fix Simon's hair and is quickly escorted out the door by several security guards who pop out of the wall from nowhere.

THE AMAZON: Anna Kearns (20) is 6'4" without heels, literally towering over the Seacrest, which means she could crush all 5 feet of me. She was kicked out of the Air Force because of a weak heart. I think this sounds like the beginning of an inspirational back-story. Hey, what's the deal? Seattle doesn't get ANY inspirational back-stories? She sings "Respect" by Aretha Franklin and Simon calls her loud. Randy and Paula like her so much that they growl when Simon tries to critique her, causing Simon to throw a hissy fit, refusing to speak. Paula and Randy both say yes, and Anna gets a golden ticket. Simon says: "You just put through a giraffe," which is a little unnecessary and rude.
FINAL VERDICT: GOOD THINGS COME IN TALL PACKAGES

THE NATURAL: Jordin Sparks (16) looks like a normal teen. And she has a great smile. She sings Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me." Paula, of course, adores her. Randy is blown away, calls her "A Natural." Simon says "It was a little bit too sugary for my taste." Jordin reveals that her father is Philippe Sparks, an ex-NFL player. Paula stands up and pumps her arms strangely. Is she cheering? Dancing? Convulsing? Paula says: "I'll make a prediction...you'll do really well." I agree, predicting another possible Final 12 Contender.
FINAL VERDICT: WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD

At the end of Day Two, only seven more contestants advance to Hollywood.

But before the episode is out, we get a look at one more, very special contestant. Ryan Seacrest calls this contestant "the most definitive reason to leave Seattle and never return."

BIG RED: Steven Thoen (27) is called "Red" because of his bright red hair and beard. Right off the bat he admits he's not a big fan of the show, and has only seen a couple of episodes. He murders Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and seems to be oblivious to his lack of talent. The judges chuckle. He's pretty damn bad. After completing his song, he states, "I can also do Country, as well." Simon says: "I've heard weird auditions in my life, but I've got to tell you that is possibly the weirdest..."
FINAL VERDICT: NO WAY, RED

Seacrest is out. Next week's episode will take us to Memphis, Tennessee.

And I have to thank my 10-year-old daughter, Olivia, for snapping the digital photo included with this post.