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The Five: Heterosexual mancrushes (TV edition)

Posted Jan 2nd 2007 10:09AM by Jay Black
Filed under: NBC, HBO, OpEd, House, The Five, Entourage, Watercooler Talk, Comedy Central, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

the ultimate in guy love!I'm not sure if everyone uses the term "mancrush." Like schadenfreude with the Germans, the term has a particular meaning in my family that doesn't quite translate into normal person English. Essentially, it's a feeling that one man has for another that's a few steps beyond being a fan and a few steps short of being a creepy super-fan. You really like the person a lot and you would love it if the person was your friend, but ultimately a part of you actually wants to be that person (as you can see the line between admiration and "restraining order" is a fine one).

Another way to define it is the way Jerry felt about his friendship with Keith Hernandez on Seinfeld.

My most enduring man-crush has been on Han Solo. Not Harrison Ford, mind you (as Howard Stern's impression of him as a humorless monosyllabic Frankenstein-type creature seems to be pretty dead on), but the character he played in Star Wars. Seeing as this is TV Squad, however, and not Cinematical, Han Solo is out of the running.

My top five heterosexual man-crushes (TV edition) after the jump...

House in a tux, like an evil, mean James Bond1. Gregory House (House, MD) One of the things you'll realize if you look back on all my other posts is just how much I write about House. I can't help it. I love the guy. I'm grumpy and misanthropic myself, but since I'm not a genius doctor, I actually have to pretend to be nice to people. Whenever I'm stuck in a bookstore talking to one of my wife's male "friends" from college for nine hours or more, I wish I could just "House" my way out of the situation with a well placed inappropriate joke or two. I get giddy whenever there's a new episode - especially when House has a new minority to pick on (when I saw a little person -- see, House would have said "a midget" -- on the show last week, I actually applauded even though I was by myself. On a related note, I'm filled with self-hate.)

(Quick aside regarding House -- a few weeks ago, I was watching the 4 PM Fox Football game and Joe Buck had to do a promo for House. He read the promo and then, kind of wistfully said to Troy Aikman, "Ahhhh, the piercing blue eyes of Hugh Laurie!" Aikman didn't say anything, but it was awkward in the booth there for a few minutes. Did anyone else catch this or am I insane?)

Look, he's about to write another terrible sketch no one will like!2. Matt Albie (Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip) I'm a comedian who's trying to break into television writing. I like to write alone. I like witty dialog and feeling superior to religious people in middle America. This man is my god (which is ironic because he doesn't believe in God). I realize that a lot of you hate this show (I've read the comments after every single Studio 60 post), but at the very least you have to like what Mathew Perry's done with this character. Sorkin stand-in or no, I want this guy to exist to I can sit down with him and have him reject my sketch ideas.

Hey look, it's the guy from PCU!3. Ari Gold (Entourage) Sometimes when he says, "Let's hug it out, bitch," I pretend he's talking to me.

You don't know him, but you will!4. Greg Giraldo (Comedy Central) Okay, we're really venturing into Travis Bickle territory on this one as Greg isn't a TV character, he's a real person. On top of that, I actually know Greg a little. He's a comic that shows up pretty regularly on Comedy Central, but he's based out of NY and I've had a chance to work with him on occasion. He is, for me, bar none, the funniest comic working. If there's a model for what I want to be as a comedian, it's him. I even wanted to get a leather bracer like the one he wears, but my wife threatened to divorce me (she should probably consider it anyway, reading back over this list). You would have seen him most recently on Comedy Central's Last Laugh '06, but check out his website and see for yourself.

Just look at those sideburns!5. Brandon Walsh (Beverly Hills 90210) This one goes into my mancrush hall of fame. Two shows hold sway with the class of 1994 - 90210 and The Wonder Years. Why? Because our ages matched the ages of the people in those shows exactly. (Well, their ages on the show matched ours exactly. Their actual ages were closer to their mid-forties. I've heard that Andrea was a grandmother by the time she left the show!) There are no mancrushes in The Wonder Years as the only choices were whiny, short, and annoying (Kevin) or whiny, tall, and vaguely odd-looking enough to be mistaken for Marilyn Manson later on in life (Paul). 90210 on the other hand had a bunch to pick from. Brandon always gets my nod over the easier picks like Dylan or Steve for two reasons: 1) he was a nice stable guy who didn't judge people for their faults (which is important for me because I have a lot of faults) and 2) he called everybody "bro".

Okay, I manned up to the table and destroyed any last shred of heterosexual credibility I may have had. You give me yours! (And ladies, I'm not leaving you out -- you give me your ladycrushes as well. Of course, when you do it, it's not creepy, it's more sexy. In fact, if you have any detailed description of what you'd like to do with your ladycrush, feel free to email them to me!)

Tags: brandon walsh, BrandonWalsh, greg giraldo, GregGiraldo, heterosexual, man crush, mancrush

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