TVSquad

A note to the people who put together these press kits: if you want to woo me, fill the kit with lots and lots of candy. I don't care if it has anything to do with the television program you're promoting or not. I want lots of damn chocolate, and I want it now. As you can see in the picture above, this press kit for the upcoming "Treehouse of Horror" episode of The Simpsons was stuffed with mini candy bars, Blow Pops and peanuts, all of which I scarfed down fairly quickly, growling under my breath like a starving dog protecting his food bowl.

The candy and other items came in this lovely little coffin-shaped box, made from sturdy cardboard:

Since I couldn't bring myself to throw away such a lovely item, I figured the best thing to do was put the coffin to good use, so I did what anyone would have done in my situation and made plans to kill a squirrel and bury it inside the coffin. I placed a potato next to my doorway and waited patiently:

Some might think that acorns or some kind of grain would be better bait for a squirrel, but squirrels are extremely smart, and they'd be expecting acorns. Knowing this, I posted signs around my neighborhood reading, "Tired of acorns? Free potato!" with arrows leading to my apartment. I remained motionless as I waited for a squirrel to arrive, knowing that a squirrel's vision is based on movement because they evolved from the Tyrannosaurus Rex:

Anyway, no luck just yet. I may actually cook the potato and see if that's more enticing. At least the kit came with an advanced copy of the episode and an awesome Uno game with all the Simpsons characters printed on the cards. If a squirrel does show up I may forgo killing it and invite it to play Uno instead, just as long as it doesn't steal any of my chocolate.