TVSquad

Ah, Brad Garrett finally returns to television after playing Ray Romano's secret transsexual lover on Everybody Loves Raymond for nine seasons (I never watched the show, so I'm just assuming). At any rate, he's back starring in 'til Death, a series about a couple that have been married for almost 9,000 days who get new neighbors, a young newlywed couple who have yet to realize just how trying a marriage can be once that initial spark dies down and reality sets in. The series debuts this evening at 8, but before you tune in, let's take a gander at all the cool stuff FOX included in its press kit for the show.

Besides a preview copy of the show and the obligatory synopsis and character bios, the kit included all manner of romantic and practical items, each with a clever saying written on them. The bath salts read "for better" while the epsom salts read "for worse." The scented candle and matches use the show's title in a clever way: the candle reads, "Love is in the air 'til Death" while the matchbook reads "Match made in Heaven 'til Death!!!" It's like that old fortune cookie gag where you add the words "in bed" to the end of your fortune: "You will find a new love ... in bed;" "You will find the secret to happiness ... in bed;" "The paramedics will find you dead from an aneurysm at 6:05 a.m. Wednesday morning ... in bed."

Oh yeah, and who can forget the tiny bottle of massage oil? Talk about sensual. I rubbed some on my foot, accidentally spilled some on the carpet and before I knew it my foot and the carpet were making out. I mean, they were really going at it; it was actually kind of embarrassing. The guys in the apartment next door were banging on the wall screaming, "Is your foot making out with the carpet in there? It's two in the morning and some of us have jobs, you know!" My foot was rather sore after that, but luckily the kit also came with some topical ointment. The ointment smells like mint and comes affixed with a sticker that reads "Pure Relief For That Pain In Your Neck." Since it smells of mint I've also been using it to brush my teeth. I haven't noticed any strange side effects, and the winged panda bear who poked his head out of my medicine cabinet shortly after I used the ointment on my teeth assures me I have nothing to worry about, so I take that as a good sign.

You might have noticed the box of matches is empty in the picture. I really have no use for matches, but since I don't like to waste things I used them along with the bath salts to create this artistic rendering of a dinosaur wearing a cowboy hat:

Thank you, FOX, for bringing the laughter, romance, and delicious topical ointment back to my life.