TVSquad

Okay, so Condoleezza Rice went to Rome for a meeting about the Lebanon situation. It didn't go so well. Jon showed a Condimeter graphic to illustrate just how bad it was (TDS has been really graphic-happy lately). Of course, the meeting wasn't as great as "Three days alone at Camp David with the President" or "Christmas morning"... It ended up somewhere between "Kofi Annan cops a feel" and "Bin Laden determined to attack WHERE?!". I have a feeling I may have switched up a few of those details, so apologies ahead of time. I swear TDS knows I'm scrambling to type this all down. They probably have a hidden camera on my monitor, broadcasting live right into Jon's office so that they can giggle at my panic.

More than one reporter had to join in to cover all the ground in this report. Samantha Bee was in Beirut, Jason Jones in Jerusalem (baby Piper Bee-Jones was probably with a babysitter in Iraq or something). The two of them bickered over the fact that God had promised each of them the holy land, only to be interrupted by Dan Bakkedahl (in Bethlehem), who informed them that this was all part of God's plan to give it to the Christians. I was seriously waiting for a John Tucker Must Die joke. Oh, and I loved Samantha's air-raid cell phone ringtone.

"The Daily Show Number Cruncher": Uggh. So many numbers. I was the weird Asian in school who sucked at math. Anyway, the big number that stuck out in my mind (and the audience's minds, as indicated by their collective gasps and murmurs) was $55,000, because that's the net profit earned by BP this quarter... per minute. That's freaking crazy. "BP's secret is they drill directly into banks."

"Back in Black": Lewis Black did a whole thing on gay marriage and he didn't even mention the news about Lance Bass coming out of the closet! Okay, so maybe that wouldn't have fit into the "marriage" aspect of the report... and maybe that wouldn't really have been news anyway (I knew Bass was gay before I even knew what "gay" was). Anyway, Congress couldn't scrape together enough votes for an amendment to ban gay marriage. Sorry, conservatives. With all the gay marriages in the news, it's about time we hear something about gay divorces. The first lesbian couple to be married in Massachusetts separated recently. This fact deeply bothered Lewis Black... "Divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other! God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve!" Speaking of sacred institutions, Adrianne Curry (Lewis called her a Playboy model... she modeled for Playboy once, but I don't think that should be her new title) and Christopher Knight from My Fair Brady finally married and shared a really hot and heavy kiss in front of all their loved ones and God. Ew. Gross.

The night's guest was Sharon Weinberger, author of Imaginary Weapons: A Journey Through the Pentagon's Scientific Underworld. The interview itself was decent, but I was really captivated by the subject matter. Weinberger's book explores some of the crazy weapons and techniques (past, present, and even possibly non-existent) explored by the Pentagon. She did a nice job explaining things... I think I may have to pick up this book.

Jon/Stephen: Jerry Lewis impressions always bring the funny. "... Guantanamo Baa-AAAY, LADY!" Moment of Zen: Old educational video about marriage. Masculine-feminine roles are being questioned? Oh noes!