TVSquad

When I learned about the Seinfeld tidbit that they tried to add nonsense lyrics to the theme but failed, I started thinking about theme songs over the years that stick in your head despite the fact that they're presented without lyrics. There are more shows than you think that fit into that category, and they're not all one-hour dramas (where most lyric-less theme songs can be found). Adam put up a list of them in December. But there are particular ones that have adhered themselves to my cerebral cortex to the point where I probably hum them in my sleep:

(Click on the name of the show to hear a sound clip from each theme)

Bonanza: There are lyrics for this famous theme song, but they were rarely, if ever, presented on the series. But everyone over the age of 32 probably knows the twangy refrain, which bounces along and peaks at a three-note declaration that makes you feel like you're out on the Ponderosa with Hoss and Little Joe.

M*A*S*H: In the movie MASH (no asterisks), the song "Suicide Is Painless" had lyrics, but they were depressing as all hell (Robert Altman's never been the most sunny director out there). But when the movie was translated to TV, the words were eliminated and the pace picked up a bit, especially during the end credits. Even in its TV-fied version, though, it was still a downbeat match for the darker themes that the show explored. Which version do people remember more? Well, if you know the lyrics by heart, you're a much more well-rounded person than I am.

Sanford and Son: This isn't the only evidence that Quincy Jones is a musical genius, but it's certainly his most visible (that and Michael Jackson's Thriller). Subtitled "The Streetbeater", it's an infectious combination of bass, harmonica, and keyboard. To this day, it's just about the funkiest theme song ever created. I never really understood the musical description of "filthy" until I really got a chance to listen to this song. Now I understand.

What's Happening: When I bought a copy of Henry Mancini: Greatest Hits (yes, I know... I'm supercool, huh?), I expected to hear a few classic theme songs: "The Pink Panther Theme", "Peter Gunn", "Baby Elephant Walk" (not a theme, but Homer Simpson danced to it, so it counts). But my ears were shocked -- shocked! -- to hear another classic TV theme: the swirling trumpets and souful harmonica of the theme to What's Happening. And who can for get the deep "Bowwww.... Bowwww" sound throughout? I forgot how great that song was, and how it's outlasted Rerun on the pop culture landscape. It's just weird to think that the third-funkiest theme song ever was written by the same guy who wrote "Moon River".

(The second-funkiest is the Match Game theme. By the way, one of Mancini's other famous TV themes, for Newhart, wasn't on the Greatest Hits CD. Maybe MTM's rights fees were too expensive.)

ER: James Newton Howard's theme effectively conveys the ever-quickening pace of a big-city emergency room, smashing from the cold opening into the first notes of the theme, then building and building until the pay-off as the featured cast member (Eriq LaSalle, Paul McCrane, and now Laura Innes) pumps a fist or bursts through the door. The show may suck now, but the theme always gets me pumped up for the upcoming episode, no matter how mopey it turns out.